Pure O

[Danny88]

Hi,
My name is Danny, and I'm 17 and live in Michigan. I've had OCD for years and it has evolved into different stages. I have Pure O and physical compulsions as well, but they are not nearly as overwhelming and relentless as the Pure O. My physical compulsions are under much better control than they used to be, but I do still have many physical compulsions that can increase with anxiety or stress. It just depends on how I'm feeling.

As for the Pure O, the best possible way to explain it is that I overanalyze EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING. From something I think to something I say, to explaining why I did a certain action (could be anything just skimming through a reading) or explaining why I acted a certain way. My mind constantly questions me, and the mental compulsion that I have to perform is to answer it to seek temporary relief. It's like getting a stack of papers to look through and complete at work, while they are stacking on top of eachother all at once. I can't even have a single comprehensible thought without mind "traffic" and overwhelming "noise" in the back of my mind. It'd hard to do anything. I'm on trial in my own mind. I have to explain why I do anything, and face arguements and counterpoints made by my mind arguing the opposite. Thoughts will come into my mind saying false things about myself, my values, virtues, likes/dislikes, feelings, etc., and I have to prove to myself that they are not valid or credible, even though I know that with complete certainty. It's the anxiety and the fear that overwhelms me and tries to convince me that I am not who I know that I am. Anything I do, my mind misinterprets, causing me to have to explain it over and over again. It's as if you go to do anything, and you have a voice accuse you of doing something else. I can't say one thing without feeling that intense frustration of misinterpretation. My mind overanalyzes anything I read or see, trying to see other meanings that the subject could have. It overcomplicates the simplest of things to the point that they aren't even comprenhensible. My mind is very self-depracating as it makes neverending false accusations of my actions, beliefs, opinions, etc. Anything I do, my mind argues the opposite. It makes anything such as watching films or listening to music unenjoyable, as it becomes work. It's a voice that won't stop talking and it makes my life a living hell. I am isolated, alone, depressed, and feel lifeless. It is so hard to explain in words, which is another one of my problems. Words don't come to mind and it makes it very hard to communicate what I want to say, when the words don't surface themselves in my mind. This is just an introduction of something very complex. I hope that some of you can relate to this and I can have somebody to talk to.

Thanks,

Danny

 

[moonshadow]

Torture, isn't it? ::

Try to think of the thoughts as separate from yourself - they're not who you are. They won't change who you are, either. They'll confuse you. You'll doubt everything and question the smallest of things. But the real you, the one underneath all of this, remains true and untouched. You've merely lost sight of him for a while.

You expressed yourself really well! I experience everything you experience, and I have done for what seems like the longest time now. Isolation certainly doesn't help. Too much time to think and obsess. It does get easier, but the trouble is this *disease* reaches every area of your life. It can be very hard to keep yourself together, but don't give up. When your mind lies to you, let it be a dull, insignificant voice talking in your ear. Let it be an annoying fly you can't seem to swat. Give it no more importance than that.

 

[Danny88]

Thanks so much for the response. You're sweet. It's a struggle, but I have to keep fighting and trying.

 

[SAYC]

Hi, Danny,

I wanted to echo what moonshadow has said. OCD is not you. You would not choose to have this stuff happening in your head. You would not choose to have OCD. OCD wants to twist all the good stuff and make it bad. You are not bad. OCD is bad and it is not credible; you do not have to prove yourself to that voice.

If I could suggest that you please stop trying to rationalize the thoughts in your head; don't play OCD's game. My psychologist told me to say to myself, "it's not me, it's OCD". I, of course, was worried that this may become a compulsion for me, to say this, but I do say it and it works. Instead of getting caught in the web of debating with the OCD in my head, I step back from it and distance myself and say, that's not me, it's OCD. I stop giving it credibility.

I also make sure I breathe well to calm myself down. I breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 2 and breathe out for a count of 8, then repeat. I can guarantee that after 5 times of concentrating on your breathing like this, you will calm down. That helps to handle the OCD. Physical activity, a good 20 minutes a day will also help.

I am middle age, have kids and a husband and am a doctor. I hid the thoughts, images etc. for 35 years. Thank goodness I have now had a lot of help (meds and psychotherapy). It is still hard; some days more so than others, but you will get above it Danny. You are a young person and probably very intelligent (you do speak well by the way). People with OCD have more brain activity in the frontal cortex. Try to get your brain active on to something else; keep it busy. I know it is hard; like moonshadow says, it is torture. But like I said, it is not you-don't play it's game.

 

[Danny88]

I'm reading, "Overcoming Obsessive Thinking" right now and have read "Brain Lock", and have heard it all as to techniques to change your reaction and reconfigure your brain to stop giving significance to trivial thought. It's hard to follow that text when it is relentless. In the past, reading about techniques to conquer OCD has basically been momentary motivation or enthusiasm/energy to take charge. Basically, that, in the moment, you are motivated, but then in the back of your mind, you know the truth, and it slaps you in the face the next morning when you return to your daily life. But, when it has taken so much of your life away, and when you hear that advice from others, on a personal and intimate level, that inspires me and motivates me much more intensely. I appreciate it immensely and thank you for reading and taking the time to write/respond.

 

[SAYC]

Do you have a good cognitive behaviour therapist??? You are very intelligent but you need to get out of your head. I think you need a professional who will guide you through this.
You said that "Basically, that, in the moment, you are motivated, but then in the back of your mind, you know the truth, and it slaps you in the face the next morning when you return to your daily life." To me, this is a belief system you have created that you think you will never get better or that because you are "not motivated enough" you can't fix this. Danny, this is tough to fix on your own. It is so easy to get lost in an OCD maze. OCD is telling you these falsehoods about yourself. You can't buy into them. You need help establishing a replacement belief system that you can trust and choose, not one forced onto you by the disease.

 

[Danny88]

Over a year ago, I was prescribed to Zoloft for a while, and as I knew all along, it had no effect. All it provided was bad side effects during the weaning off period. I saw a therapist and went to four sessions. I was not interested in going to therapy because I am very uncomfortable in many social situations and I would not be able to open up, and because I knew that it would't help at all in the end. It was a family therapist, so my parents scheduled a few sessions, and eventually I stopped as I told them that it was causing me more stress and would not help me.

Now, if I don't start to improve and feel better eventually, despite my natural opinions and interest in therapy, I would go. There's nothing to lose, as I know that the system or technique I've tried has no relief. It's certain pain and suffering. I'd be interested in a group therapy with others my age or something in-patient where I could stay at a facility for a certain period of time and really work rigorously on it day after day.

 

[Psychology]

Hey there, I have almost exactly your same symptoms as a mostly pure O sufferer. It sucks doesn't it?

I also happen to have a degree in psychology and while its not in abnormal psych I do know some about that stuff both personally and professionally. Have you ever talked to your psychiatrist about a drug called luvox? i take it in controlled release capsules and it works wonders. its specifically designed for OCD/anxiety sufferers and for me first taking it felt like my mind stopped running in circles for a day.

Also I encourage therapy. The thing is you have to find a doctor you like, someone your comfortable with. I have a history in my childhood of misdiagnosis and so I always neglected therapy and treatment for years ( I still kind of do). I was finally treated for OCD about 2 years ago and it finally felt right (im 22). Im getting to the point now where I can't lose my focus to rumination and compulsions anymore without serious consequences at work, socially, school, etc. I found a doctor whos also a family friend who really understood me. Hope that helps, your definitely not alone

 

[Feathers]

Hey Danny,

For me, learning CBT (from books, eg The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns) and omega 3 (tuna or fish oil or flax or such) and making sure I'm not hungry has helped... It gets worse if I'm hungry and have been on computer too much... (5+ hours of computer can cause depression and other problems) I also try to make sure to eat 'anti-stress' foods with good minerals such as magnesium and zinc and calcium etc. Learning more about nutrition and health has helped... Maybe you could also go to a good nutricionist or such, and/or find a knowledgeable doctor/therapist who could give advice on this or recommend someone?

Some doctors and psychiatrists are just learning about nutrition and supplements, some still don't know much about this, it would be good to find someone knowledgeable.. or at least open to working with other professionals on this

Stress can make things worse too, for me it helps to de-stress and distract myself with other more interesting things (for me, 'silly' books and films/series, where I don't have to think much, or creative hobbies, eg playing guitar, where I also need to concentrate on lyrics and chords and physical act of playing guitar, or doodling/drawing or writing fiction/journalling, or learning a new language, especially one I know nothing about, or learning new anything, especially if I know nothing about it and I don't 'have' to learn it or hiking/walking, especially if with someone else or in a not-so-known area etc can work well as distractions.. Different things work for me at different times... You could check if books/films in different languages work better? you can also tell yourself you're also learning a language? )
Basically it has to be interesting to 'work' as distraction, for me - boring or too 'simple' books/films/activities won't work, if that makes sense?

I've never been 'officially' diagnosed, I've recognized myself in Pure O and some other things too, and it helped me to learn more about OCD and these things ... Some people in older thread wrote group therapy was helpful to them, so maybe check what's available locally? You need to find a specialized therapist for OCD, it's also good to get some recommendations from people who have been helped for the same/similar thing... It's good to 'click' with a therapist, some can be more helpful than others, somewhat depending on compatibility of personalities and interests etc.

 

[Danny88]

Thanks for the posts, Psychology and Feathers. I really appreciate it.

 

[SAYC]

Hi!

One on one therapy (you and a good cognitive behaviour modification therapist) or group therapy with other OCD experiencers (especially the ones with pure O) are probably good ways to approach that part of the treatment. Certainly, if your parents were in on your therapy with the family therapist, that would make it very uncomfortable for you (not sure if they were but sounds that way). Most non-OCD people would find it hard to imagine truly obsessive thoughts and the way they torture you. Your parents might be very distressed by it and put demands on you when really you are the one needing help.

I think everyone that has posted has great ideas and ways of dealing with their obsessions. I am learning a lot from the forum, especially that I am not alone and there are others out there living well with this condition. Good luck, Danny88

 

[Falkor]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you're going through all of this.

I see that you cannot stop thinking about things,
Over analysing is a main symptom for me too, i think about anything possible.
It's mostly a negative voice in my head telling me I'm stupid doing this and that.
Telling me that I'm not doing something good, or have to do something different.
Or when I'm doing 1 thing, want to do 10 things at a time, because it's not enough. I don't know if this is related to you?

This negative mind speaking whatever is always telling me that I said something stupid, If I play a game, it tells me I shouldn't because of whatever reason or that it is a depressive fact of not having a social life or that I just have to do something different, I can't satisfy my mind.

The bad thing for me is the negative mind telling me I'm not good enough and stupid, you know? I cannot stop thinking too, I think every moment

I recommend you the book : Power of now by eckhart tolle.
It's about silence in mind and see that it's okay.
it will make you at ease and focus more in the world around
instead of living in a world of thoughts

Good luck

 

[MaxineRyder]

worst thing about pure O is there are so few external symptoms since it all happens inside your head. So no one can even see your suffering.
But here you are not alone
Maxine xxx

 

[Significatif]

Danny,

First I want to say that you are a fantastic writer. It is always nice to read something that is well written.

Also, I can completely relate to what you said. I suffer from pure O, but I also have some physical compulsions.

When I get stuck in an OCD cycle is when nothing helps. I can talk back to it and I am completely sucked into believing the OCD lies.

I have found that it gets easier the less I compulse. I hope you are doing well.

David