Pure "O" in need of help

[ryder2010]

Hello, this is my first post. I am a OCD sufferer and have been for about a year now. I am plagued by a number of intrusive thoughts, but most predominantly concerning stabbing my fiancee. Just recently, after having an emotional breakdown with her, I went to the washroom where I had a number of intrusive thoughts about harming her. I told myself that "if I want to do it then just do it, grab the knife out of her hands and stab her. I collected my thoughts and prepared myself for the challenge of approaching her at the Kitchen table (of course with no intention of stabbing her, but rather to prove to myself that I'm incapable of such an action). When upon leaving the bathroom I noticed that she was no longer sitting at the table, thus was no where near the knife. I sat down beside her on the couch and we spoke a little while longer.
Now several days later I am questioning whether or not I had a plan to stab her that night. What would have been the outcome had she still been at the table with the knife? Thus the only thing that prevented it from happening is the fact the she was no longer at the table. I am now tormented by the prospect that I could have had a plan to stab my fiancee. It is making me quite upset I don't know how I'll get my head around this.
Has anyone out there gone through anything similar? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks

 

[mrb]

you really need to get help with that , i hope you get some good replys , id see the doctor he will put you in the right direction for help ..... i mean you dont want to lose control and hurt anyone do you ........

 

[ryder2010]

Thanks for the reply. I see a doctor regularly and have for a year now. I have tried a number of meds and seen a few therapists. All of this without much relief. I have read three books on OCD and know what to do to get better (so I'm told) I have to challenge myself and take the risk that my fears are only fears. I should tell you that last night my fiancee and I recreated the scene from the other night and everything was perfectly fine, unfortunately it didn't help get rid of my thoughts. I am not a violent person, I have literally never even thrown a punch. Yet despite this I still fear that I could do something horrible like stab someone I love.
Thanks again

 

[mrb]

Thanks for the reply. I see a doctor regularly and have for a year now. I have tried a number of meds and seen a few therapists. All of this without much relief. I have read three books on OCD and know what to do to get better (so I'm told) I have to challenge myself and take the risk that my fears are only fears. I should tell you that last night my fiancee and I recreated the scene from the other night and everything was perfectly fine, unfortunately it didn't help get rid of my thoughts. I am not a violent person, I have literally never even thrown a punch. Yet despite this I still fear that I could do something horrible like stab someone I love.
Thanks again

im sure you will get some good replys on here mate there a helpfull lot spw members .......

 

[fudgy]

In my own personal experience the ocd is WORSE with someone you love. The fears are greater and its seems harder to take the risk of ignoring the demands of ocd incase there is a minuscule of a chance that your fears ARE TRUE AND REAL.

Its like the ocd knows this so goes on a rampage with your head firing every possible gut wrenching worry your way.

You wouldn't have killed her , of that I am pretty certain , its like looking down from a high rise block of flats , some people get the desire to jump so therefore dare not look over ,incase the desire to jump is to big for them to deny.
But when you have ocd the worry and fears turn into one long mental soul destroying drama ....but it is ocd , and you have to find a way to not feed it.

It is very hard to deal with , infact its so hard to re train your thinking that some people stick with the " better the devil you know option" and go from one ocd drama to another. You have to be strong and determined to risk turning away every one of your fears and the rituals.

I pretty much tell the ocd to *f&%^ off* now , and after 20 years I still have thoughts that I have to stamp out because I know how ill I will become.

I think most of us know the horrible place your in so at least know your not alone with this.

 

[ryder2010]

I want to thank everyone who has replied. It is nice to know that I'm not alone. This is not the first time that doubt has caused me a considerable amount of pain. If I got through before I can do so again. I guess it really does get harder before it gets easier, if at all. For the time being;I will keep reminding myself that I am not that person, and never could be.
Thanks again.

 

[beastie]

If you ever think you're a serious threat to yourself or someone else you need to check into a hospital. If what you had was a compulsion that you would never act on still talk to your doctor about it, in detail, let them know how frightened you are of what could happen. I've had some weird thoughts before, alot of us probably have, it's important to try and work on things before they get out of control. Make sure your fiancee knows how much you care about them, this could be really scary for them as well. Good luck, I hope things turn out well for you two!

 

[beastie]

People with these thoughts (when OCD related) are the very last people on Earth who would do this type of stuff. We/the sufferer knows with 1 million % certainly that we would never do it, that does not stop the obsessions.

I didn't mean to imply that OCD sufferers were violent at all. I only meant that if he is worried he should seek help, especially if, as he said, he had a nervous breakdown. In my personal experience OCD alot of times comes with other complications. I'm sorry if I offended anyone or sounded ignorant, I was just worried.

 

[chained]

I am rly proud of u considering everything, u being willing to step towards ur fiancee in the presence of the knives..
now do not let these thoughts tell u different and screw up what u have accomplished.. U found the key, to oppose to your thoughts, face your fears...
Do it again and again, every time u have a thought like that.. and u will beat the ocd
good luck
(easier said than done, im battling perfectionism now..)

 

[davidandme]

Hello, this is my first post. I am a OCD sufferer and have been for about a year now. I am plagued by a number of intrusive thoughts, but most predominantly concerning stabbing my fiancee. Just recently, after having an emotional breakdown with her, I went to the washroom where I had a number of intrusive thoughts about harming her. I told myself that "if I want to do it then just do it, grab the knife out of her hands and stab her. I collected my thoughts and prepared myself for the challenge of approaching her at the Kitchen table (of course with no intention of stabbing her, but rather to prove to myself that I'm incapable of such an action). When upon leaving the bathroom I noticed that she was no longer sitting at the table, thus was no where near the knife. I sat down beside her on the couch and we spoke a little while longer.
Now several days later I am questioning whether or not I had a plan to stab her that night. What would have been the outcome had she still been at the table with the knife? Thus the only thing that prevented it from happening is the fact the she was no longer at the table. I am now tormented by the prospect that I could have had a plan to stab my fiancee. It is making me quite upset I don't know how I'll get my head around this.
Has anyone out there gone through anything similar? Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks

One of the secrets for stoping OCD thouths is exposure. My suggestion is to get a fake knife or a plastic knife that looks like a real knife and like a great movie actor play a horrific scene where you are attacking her or stabing her. Of course inform your fiancee about your plans so you don't scare her to death. Do this a few times and the OCD will go away. God bless.

 

[PhillyFlyersGrl]

Ive been through this some years ago, how it all started was I had the thought of "what if I could kill someone" then I looked over to my fiance' at the time next to me, and associated that thought with him. I had my first and only nervous breakdown..it lasted close to 2 months were I just felt completely nuts. It took a while for me to snap out of it. And the intrusive thought changed to "child molester" I had that playing over and over in my head. What helped was the fact that I found out quickly was it was pure O and it took a few years of realizing that I cant take these thoughts seriously anymore, I have to basically ignore them, as time went on it got easier. If I ever get an intrusive thought now I know to just ignore it and continue with whatever Im doing.
But now Im dealing with SP, I went from one thing to another ....
But theres a show on A&E called Obsessed, its an amazing show. It seems to help me knowing theres others out there going through the same thing. So get support where you can and continue searching for a med or therapist that can help.

 

[ryder2010]

Once again I'd like to thank everyone for responding. It helps to know that I'm not alone. Part of me wonders if this is just the OCD fighting back because I'm putting up a resistance to it. Despite this I still feel horrible much of the time, like I made a horrible mistake that I can never take back. Every time I try and tell myself that I didn't have intentions to harm her and that it just the OCD missing with my head, I 'll have a thought like " I'm just using that as an excuse" or a simple " yes I did ". I have told myself all of the logical arguments as well. Things like, " The type of person capable of such intentions wouldn't be upset by them" or " I can't have OCD and have had these intentions " or " I can't love her and have had these intentions ". It seems that the best way to avoid feeling horrible is to tell myself that I would never harm her and forget about it. This is not always possible of course, it's called an obsession for a reason. How can I feel so bad about something that I didn't even do or have intentions to do? I feel like part of me knows this, but I can't be 100% certain.
Thanks again.