problems with voice: too loud, too soft

[Ddarko]

I've recently read a few books on sa/sp and I can see some of the symptons manifesting themself in me. I've always been extremely shy my entire life, but have got along okay most of the time. The thing is, I don't mind being shy. I actually enjoy the advantages of being introverted (I'm a grad student so it sort of complements what I do). If I had my choice, I would just as soon live a quite life away from the crowd, but everyone has to interact occassionally with others I suppose. The other thing is that it seems to me that the vast majority of the social-interaction problems I have (lack of confidence, breaking off mid-sentence and halting, consequent feelings of intellectual incompetence or futility based on this inability to articulate myself, etc.) stem from the problems I have with my voice. First and foremost, I've been told before that my natural speaking level is very loud and somewhat overbearing. After hearing this from classmates in high school, I became self-conscious and, as a result, even to this day I speak in an artificially soft voice about 99% of the time. My voice is already quite low in tone so it probably comes out inaudibly low most of the time. The soft voice also becomes scratchy and begins to waver as I reach my lower volume threshold. Recently, my own conscious awareness of this problem has become quite maddening because I know I have a much better instrument in there somewhere. The problem is that my low self-confidence is in such stark contrast to my capacity for speech that I can never bring myself to actualize that capacity. I always feel that if I use my normal voice I will scare people off or annoy them because of the volume. Much of this is probably my own subjective perception. But I also feel like I don't even want to be confident because, from my own self-admitedly hyper-critical perspective, I often judge others as being too confident for their own good. I notice someone, for example, who lacks certain abilities but who nevertheless seems to have a kind of boundless self-confidence as if they didn't even notice thier shortcomings. I then tell myself not to be like that person, that it's better to be aware of your limitations. Rationally, I realize this is probably my own schewed perspective, but I can't seem to get over it.

I think it's probably sort of self-reinforcing... shyness or anxiety leads to an underused set of innate skills, and then that lack of practice reinforces the isolation which results from the anxiety... Does anyone have this problem with their voice being too loud or soft? I'm most anxious when I have to converse with superiors (like profs), but I find that if I am able to begin the conversation (break the ice so to speak) without my voice breaking up or going too low and becoming inaudible then I can continue the rest of the conversation without too much trouble... if my voice breaks up then I become acutely aware of the resulting facial expressions of the other person (often a kind of expectant or puzzled look) and my self-confidence begins to spiral downward to a point from which any salvaging of the conversation then demands double the effort (I now have to focus on recovering the conversation in addition to keeping it going by drawing upon my knowledge of the subject matter).

Does any of this ring a bell? Are just my own idiosyncratic problems or do others experience similar types of things?

 

[Richey]

Yeh! I posted a topic that is very similar to yours a few weeks ago, my voice is very soft and its low pitch, I find it to be a huge disadvantage for me. Its very dull sounding sometimes, you can actually train yourself to speak with clarity by using a method of reading a line of text that goes something like this.

Rabbit -- Raquet -- Rocket -- Rolling -- Remody -- Ryme -- Roaming(Do it for each letter of the elphabet)

Just read those words out loud in sequence then read it slowly first and slowly read the words out faster. You can also train yourself to speak with vigour and personality by raising your voice to a higher pitch depending on the flow of the sentence.

Ill be honest it can be hard for some people and yet every day you go to the shops or you talk to people at school and I just see people who can talk and use words to their advantage so well that it scares me, and yet im very well educated and I read alot, but being an educated person is not everything and you need to practice. Its like any skill, it requires time and effort. Some people are naturally born with an extroverted personality where they can project themselves in a confident way without thinking twice and that may be due to growing up in an environment of positive role models. Conditioning has a affect on peoples attitudes and perceptions of themselves, thats why some people can go out and socialise without thinking twice and others struggle at it.

Anyways just practice speaking in your own time, do it in front of a mirror so you can practice you can mould your body language with your words, but your not alone and i can certainly empathise with your situation.

 

[Meaning_of_meaningless]

Hey Ddarko, I have the same problem. IT really bugs me when I know there is a lion in me but end up talking like a mouse. In my family, I always have no problems, I can yell at the top of my voice without any feeling of selfcondemnation but when out with friends my voice is inaudible. It didnt used to be like this in the past. I dont think I ever want to go through all the self-conditioning, life would be so complicated if I had to analyse my speech all the time. My Christian friends say its a problem with the heart, not realising the love of God. I think its really true. I had been very judgemental of others in the past and often condemn others for their idiosyncratic behaviour but now the tables are turned and I condemn myself..lol. Its just the sin of fallen man.

 

[Dave109]

IT really bugs me when I know there is a lion in me but end up talking like a mouse.

That's just how I feel, I couldn't have put it better. I hate the sound of my voice. I speak pretty quiet and I know this sounds stupid but I feel that I don't sound masculine enough. Also when I talk, I'm so nervous that my eyes dart around everywhere and I can't help thinking that people just think I'm rude.

 

[Ddarko]

thanks guys for the tips. I'll try that R-word thing for a while and see if it works.

My Christian friends say its a problem with the heart, not realising the love of God. I think its really true. I had been very judgemental of others in the past and often condemn others for their idiosyncratic behaviour but now the tables are turned and I condemn myself..lol. Its just the sin of fallen man.

I'm beginning to think that the road to self-confidence is really about a kind of self-acceptance. It's strange though because if you condemn yourself and accept that condemnation then you've accepted yourself as condemned and can move on with your life. That condemnation then essentially becomes irrelevant (this sounds like Lutheran theology or something).

I was at the library today and when I checked out a set of notes for a class the guy behind the counter made some remark about how I was the first one he could remember who has checked these out. At first I was somewhat insulted by the comment. But once I began to analyze the problem I thought that maybe it was just because I had been unusually thoughtful in comparison to other students, a good thing. It really doesn't matter though because you can always look at any given situation from an infinite number of perspectives, so you have the power to condition your own reality by changing your perspective on things.

 

[rko74]

Wow this sounds just like me

I have long had this problem with my voice also, i dont like the sound of it.Im soft spoken and im very insecure about talking to people, i get a frog in my throat etc.I was born in Northern Ireland and when my family moved to England when i was 5 or so me and my brother put on a english accent while outside the home.I think we did it to fit in more, then when we moved to Canada in 1981.We put on a Canadian accent and talked our normal way at home with my parents.

I think it has some bearing on my social phobia to this very day as i think i cant accept and some how dont like my own natural voice.I think i sound like a 12 year old and when i go out to talk to people i kinda purposly try to lower my voice a bit and sound more "adult".Im 31 btw, male.

Its funny i think sometimes my mind is in a dilema when i talk to people as i want to talk with my normal irish accent voice.But the Canadian accent i put on as a child is almost automatic.Could being unsure which way to talk to people have bearing on my social phobia?

Very interesting post btw, i can relate alot to the author.I would be very interested in how it has affected your life.

 

[rko74]

thoughts

I play alot of computer games, and lately i been using a microphone to use to talk to other gamers over the internet.I find it difficult to talk on it,like i worry if im going to sound weak or like a girl.In the games i usually just type but my in game friends wanted me to use a mic.But im worried they will think im retarted when i try to chat on the mic

 

[JediKnight]

i had the same problem, now it's gone

About six months ago I used to have a very soft, quiet and monotone voice. Then I realized it was because of my low self-esteem and little self-confidence. I took the matter into my considiration and tried my best to work on this. Introverted people are too self-concious and they feel like someone is always will judge on what and how they say something, but extroverts they overlook these things and judge you on a different perspective. People will look down on you if you speak without confidence. When I had something negative to say it would sound like if I had mumbled it and it could barely be audible. Now I sound confident with my voice, no matter how many people are listening. Try no to focus on what people will think about what youve said but focus more on their reply.

 

[Richey]

Its definately a symptom of SA, and it probably means that we have a more severe form of it, as it affects peoples confidence in different ways. Having a low self-esteem is a symptom of SP, and thats why I dont normally talk with confidence, I find that thinking about their responses makes it worse and confuses me even more. So sometimes ill start talking and ill just get "what?" and that makes it even worse, and then people tend to ignore me and just focus on the people who are interesting and articulate and thats fair enough, its human nature to be attracted to attractive people, and mumbling is not an attractive quality. In saying that im actually very well spoken and articulate when im drunk! :roll: Go figure

 

[Ddarko]

Very interesting post btw, i can relate alot to the author.I would be very interested in how it has affected your life.

Well, I'm 24 and currently getting my master's degree. I haven't had a real job yet except working some within the university departments I've attended (and for the family business when I was younger). It's extremely difficult for me to get to the point where I can comfortably converse with anyone. I have 3 close college friends around whom I can pretty much be myself, and although we're in different places now we still get together from time to time. They're great fun, but I've always wanted one or two close friends with whom I can share a lot of my own intellectual and/or life interests. Unfortunately, that's never really happened to the idealistic degree that I've always imagined. It's so difficult to find friends/mates that share your interests and personality to begin with, and it seems almost impossible if your extremely shy or have anxiety issues. I consider myself very loyal when I do make a real friend. Unfortunately, that's about as common for me as the alignment of the planets. I meet someone and it takes months or even a year or so to really become confortable with that person (and you rarely have that long in our fast paced and rootless society). When I first meet someone they often get the first impression that I'm cold and uncaring because I don't say much. I don't know exactly how I should behave around someone new, and I often can't articulate myself because I become self-conscious of my speaking ability mid-sentence, lose confidence and then abruptly end my side of the conversation in an effort to stave off further embarrasment. It's as if I start to speak like a normal, confident person would but then become acutely aware of peoples' attentions being focused on me... my thoughts then start scattering and I can't bring them back together. As a result, I often get my words out in a hurry or all at once, and I end up packing so many thoughts into so few words that people often don't understand what I'm trying to say. If I could project my voice and maintain it at that confident level then I could actually carry the conversation a little more on my side. But because I'm so self-conscious of the fact that my voice wavers (and therefore requires so much effort to keep it going), I often dread when the conversation swings my way... I quickly say something with the hope that the burden will go back to the other person.

Deep down I think I am a pretty creative and dynamic person. I have a rather imaginitive inner life and (like most introverts) a knack for not getting bored when I'm alone. Remembering back on my childhood, I can think of times when I would sit in my room for hours on end reading or mostly just dreaming up strange scenarious to keep myself occupied. I loved nature and would wander around outside talking to myself, to animals, or to trees. I had imaginary friends with whom I would much rather have spent time than with real friends. Maybe every child has these experiences, but I can remember always feeling like I had to entertain my friends when they visited... I felt relief when they left and I could go back to whatever I had been doing before. Much of this is probably harmless childhood shyness. But it undoubtedly had a later effect on the way I perceive myself and the way in which I later reacted to my voice.

It sounds like your Irish accent could be like my natural voice. I've always had the same accent for my life, so I don't know exactly what that's like. Is it your Irish accent that you think sounds too young? If you have to add the lowering effect on top of the accent change I can see how that would be difficult. But even if the Canadian accent sounds more adultlike, whatever is most natural would probably be the best. That's what I would like to do with my own speaking... get to the point where there is no uncertainty or hesitation in my speech. I definitely think the uncertainty in the way one should speak could contribute to sa/sp. For myself, I think the hesitation that comes with my speech gets trasferred to the content of the speech: if I'm unsure about the method of communication then I become unsure about what I should be communicating. After all, a lot of what you say is how you say it, and if I'm not saying it in a way I think is correct or (more importantly) natural, then I begin to doubt everything about the conversation. It often impedes me from suggesting otherwise interesting ideas or activities. I don't even want to know the number of times I've met someone I find intriguing or to whom I've been attracted and, deep down somewhere, have had the desire to throw something out there which is slightly on the edge: "let's go do such and such," or "say... do you like the bar scene?" Good luck with that one, I tell myself... I couldn't say it in the right way, in a way that sounds genuine.

 

[Nytro]

Check this out....

Ive had problems in the past with kinda mubling...talking in a low quiet voice whenever i was around many people or strangers. I would take my computer microphone and sound recorder program and record myself reading things online or even affirmations. I would then make an mp3 out of the file after a few practice runs and lets say the affirmations bit, I would repeat each affirmation 10 times and then say another affirmation 10 times. I would then have this 30minute recording of my voice. I would play it once a day for three weeks...and poof problem solved

The trick is with affirmations if you say "I am fully confident in the way i speak" 10 times a day your mind will automatically think bullshit. But if you replace those Affirmaitons with 3rd person "You are fully confident in the way you speak, you sound like an _____"(Actor, Casanova, etc. whatever you want to sound like) your mind will pick it up and in a few weeks youll subconciously believe it.

I think this tool is really helpful for the SAD, once you hear your voice enough times, you will automatically mimic the tonality you used in the tapes. If you have a very nervous time talking, Slow Talk....which is slowing down your voice slightly will help reduce alot of tension and prevent your mind from racing. (also helping you prevent having brain farts in a conversation)