Precipice

[noblame4]

Hey everybody! Long time no post. I drifted away for a while but I got to missing my SA friends.

Anyway, here's an update nobody gives a shit about- I finally got a job as a CNA at a hospital. Back in the spring, I started working REALLY hard to get rid of my SA. I decided that I should start SAYING what I wanted, WHEN I wanted to and after a few months, I started to notice that my SA was letting up and I was getting along with the people I worked with and was proud of myself.
Then I made a 'friend', Emily. She's a nurse on my floor. Man, she sucks. At first it was awsome, we'd hang out and go to bars and even went on a couple of trips together over the summer. But sometime after we were established as 'friends', she became a compleate pain in my ass. She's always bossing me around, MAKING FUN OF ME WTF?! and treating me like I'm her stupid sidekick. And she wont leave me alone, either. We work together all the time and she's constantly nagging me to hang out with her when we're off. Scince when are friends REQUIRED to spend every second of every day together? She gets all made and pitches little huffy fits when I dont do what she wants. She acts like I live to amuse her. And she takes a lot of amusement. This is exausting! It's nothing like it was with my other friend who moved away. I'd rather have no friends than this!
AND THEN, Identity crisis. I got this job and had money to spend on nice clothes and makeup and hair-stuff and met this guy who I rather liked, he seemed nice at first and acted like he was interested in me, but then I GOT ALL RANDY ONE NIGHT, GOD FORBID THE FREAK HAS ACTUAL ADULT-HUMAN-WOMAN URGES and had SEX with him....and then poof. No more dates. No more real phone calls, the asshole just started booty-calling me every couple of weeks and then cut off all contact. Nice. Just because you see somebody naked you just up and lose respect for them just-like-that? Damn. What a bust. Sooooo....come to think of it, this ALWAYS happens! On the rare occasions I meet a guy, I freak out. ("Will he like me?! Am I getting ****ed over again?! Is it compleatly impossible to just LIKE ME?! Maybe this one does! People like each other all the time! Exept for me, nobody ever likes me, I am going to get ****ed over. Think positive! Just go with the moment! Oh, he wants to have sex, what the hell just go for it! Oh, what? No more phone calls? He's avoiding me now? I am competent at sex, HE'S AVOIDING ME BECAUSE I'M A FREAK!! AGAIN!! I CANT BE NORMAL!!! EVERYBODY HATES ME GODDAMNIT!!!!") So, THAT always happens. I get used and then ditched. People treat me like a stupid slut. Not a real girl, just some useless stupid slut. If people treat me like a stupid slut, it is reasonable to assume that it is because I AM a stupid slut. When the hell did I get like this? Five years ago I was pious as the virgin mary. I was NEVER going to end up like mom. It's crazy how despite your best intentions, and trying to do what you think is right, life just gets away from you and the next thing you know, everything's broken and you dont even know yourself.
So now, with Emily always acting like everything I do is the most retarded thing ever, and the realization that I am a doormat and a masturbation aid, my anxiety is back. Actually, it's worse. I can talk to people now and go places now, but man there is really something wrong with me. I drink ALL THE TIME. I used to go on occaisional binges, but now any time I'm not at work, I'm getting drunk. If I'm not drunk, I'm thinking that I probably should be drunk and then I make an effort to get drunk. I take pills now. Anything I can get a hold of, even if I'm not particularly in the mood to get high, if my mom's got something- I'm going to sneak and take it. Pain killers, diet pills (speed) whatever. Down it goes. And then, there's my heart. IT RACES!!! My pulse gets up to around 150 sometimes (yea, I count it and that aint good) and my blood pressure is so high sometimes I can SEE my veins throbbing through my skin, and I cant breathe good, and I feel like i'm going to pass out and this happens RANDOMLY. This used to happen when something really ****ed-up hardcore bad was about to happen. Now it happens RANDOMLY. I look at my cell phone, it happens. I think about going to mcdonalds, it happens. Jesus christ, I'm going to have a stroke.

Aaaaanyway, how're yall doing?!
~NB

 

[sorrow1]

i would ditch this friend of yours, youve obvioussly achieved much by getting over most of your sa and shes undoing all the good work youve done. your probably better off with out her. people like that have no personality, they cant amuse themselves because they have no imagination and need other people to entertain them to fill the emptiness inside themselves.

and dont worry about the guy. im a guy. and unfortunately most guys are only after one thing and theyre also not too enthusastic about commitment so im sure it was nothing personal.

 

[danstelter]

Yes, definitely ditch the friend. She is a control freak and is trying to control you and make you do what it is that she wants. She is not your friend and only wants to make you her puppet.

With guys, obviously you have to be careful. Where are you meeting these guys? As with anything, you have to exercise judgment. Most guys, unfortunately, are interested in only sex, and you have to go somewhere where people are looking for a more serious relationship, kind of like you are. Good places to look are church, at a place you volunteer, possibly online although that is kind of sketchy too.

Finally, this pill-popping of random pills and the heavy drinking are symptoms of a life that is out of control. Take a real look at things and see if you are an addict to these things. I would encourage you to attend a few AA/NA meetings and see if these substances are causing many of the problems you have in life. There's nothing wrong with being an addict; millions of people are addicted to drugs and alcohol. But, you are only finding misery with your usage of drugs and alcohol, so it's a good time to examine the role of these things in your life. Of course, it is all up to you what you want to do, but these are probably some things that you should take a look at. Good luck and be sure to ask more question if you have them!

 

[noblame4]

Thanks Unison, Sorrow1, and Dansteltar for your helpful replies in my chaotic stint of moral upheaval. (ahaha...ha)

At this point I'm over all that, back to being my regular self. I dont know why I freak out like that sometimes! I always take these little things and blow them waaay out of proportion. I slept with ONE dude in a LONG ASS TIME because I liked him and thought he liked me and that makes me a total whore? No. That makes me a human who, not being able to read minds, made a little lapse in judgement once. And a nice little throw every now and then isn't wasted on anyone.
As far as the pill-popping goes, that did'nt get very far. My mom noticed my affection for the little ****ers, and stopped getting them. I really dont have the social networking prowess to procure a dealer for myself, so that's that. Pills were never really my thing to beguin with.
The booze? Well that's something entirely different. I Looooooves it! But I'm not worried about it. I'm not a drunk, I drink until I have a nice little buzz going, then I stop. I rarely drink enouph to make me stumble around or black out. I never drink enouph to even get a hang over. I just DRINK! I drink for lots of different reasons, to relax, to just let my real self show through, to make my life feel generally more enjoyable. I'm a pretty pleasant drunk, not angry or loud or slutty. So at this point, I dont see a problem. Is this how a person GETS TO BE A DRUNK? Well probably! But who cares? Not like I've got anything better to do.
And that problem friend? Not such a problem. I can just avoid her. I've perfected the art of getting around people, and there's no reason why I should feel guilty for it. Shit, IM not prince charming! Why would anyone get that idea? I cant make your life fun and interesting and not-lonely, I told her I'm a recluse for chrissake! Let her latch on to someone who enjoys saving someone from themselves. There's lots of people like that out there. I'm just not one of them. I'm the loveable ****-up, not the main character's hero. Dont go barking up the wrong tree.


Sooo...I still hate my job. Who wouldnt? All the shit and piss and vomit and naked old people. Being a CNA sucks. I actually DONT hate all the people I work with, there's actually 8 people I like who are actually pretty nice to me, and just 2 people I cant stand who gripe me. (One other cna who is a lazy peice of ass who I have to do all the work for, one nurse who is usually nice untill she gets into a crunch and then she thinks that her little associates degree entitles her to treat a lowly thing like this CNA like total shit. Lady, you can pressure me into a lot of things, but bullying me into doing half your work for no monetary compensation is not one of them). I REALLY need to get back in school. I have just GOT to make more money than this, I just cant live on this! And the rediculously large amount of money that nurses get for doing such a rediculously SMALL amount of work is....well, ****ing rediculous!! THEY OPEN PILL PACKAGES FOR CHRISSAKE!!! THAT'S THEIR WHOLE JOB!!! But school is, you know...like mnt. everest for me. What to do? 0_o


I really like all these social anxiety blogs that are popping up around Youtube. Does anyone here do one? Cuz if so I wanna see it and you need to give me a link. Alcohol aint the only addiction I'm nursing preasently, Haha.

~Nb