BlueDays
1
lol:
:I can't let that pass without listing the 9 qualities for the perfect boyfriend!
Brave,
Inteligent,
Grateful,
Persistent,
Excitable,
Caring,
Kind,
Empathetic,
Responsible.
:
:
Post a Joke........
- Thread starter Dead_on_Arrival
- Start date
lol:
:I can't let that pass without listing the 9 qualities for the perfect boyfriend!
Brave,
Inteligent,
Grateful,
Persistent,
Excitable,
Caring,
Kind,
Empathetic,
Responsible.
:
:
Dead_on_Arrival
Well-known member
LMFAO.........Good retort..lol:
I can't let that pass without listing the 9 qualities for the perfect boyfriend!
Brave,
Inteligent,
Grateful,
Persistent,
Excitable,
Caring,
Kind,
Empathetic,
Responsible.
:
Agent_Violet
Well-known member
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F**k YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f**k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
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HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F**k YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f**k you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dead_on_Arrival
Well-known member
Just so you can get to grips with the changes in climate…
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Newcastle in the early hours of Thursday with its epicentre in Byker.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fukinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their benefit payments arrived. Metro FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Byker.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), White sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "WALLSEND" said the girl, "wats that gorra de wit you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Newcastle - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it anyway.
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Newcastle in the early hours of Thursday with its epicentre in Byker.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Fukinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their benefit payments arrived. Metro FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Byker.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), White sport socks, Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop. 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "WALLSEND" said the girl, "wats that gorra de wit you?"
Please don't forward this to anyone living in Newcastle - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it anyway.
Dead_on_Arrival
Well-known member
Dead_on_Arrival
Well-known member
The Patient Grandfather
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his
badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle;
and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a
controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . .. easy,
boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's
okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.
Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the
cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William,
relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but
you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole
time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... the little
b*********d's name is Kevin."
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his
badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle;
and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a
controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . .. easy,
boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's
okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here.
Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the
cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William,
relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool,
William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is
loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but
you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole
time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William ... the little
b*********d's name is Kevin."
Dead_on_Arrival
Well-known member
[postpost]
Oh, Hilarious.........
............................
coyote
Well-known member
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
"...the balcony..."
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Fred?" asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
"...the balcony..."
Thundercats
Well-known member
Why did the chicken cross the road.......
