Please help! What am I doing wrong in my conversations?

[Biologist]

I've never been a very social person, and events such as parties, nightclubs etc... always caused me a great deal of discomfort. I was also bullied at school for my behavior. Because of this, I ended up chasing a career within biology (I'm still a student), which is a field where I can engage with people sharing my own interests.

Lately I've been having problems, as my social circle expanded. I now have friends I actually care about, and I even have a girlfriend. My problem is that I seem to be hurting them and making them mad without intending to, as they often yell at me, and tell me I need to stop talking to them the way I do.

I never recieved a good explanation for why they are mad. What they often tell me is that I end up correcting them when they don't need correction because they were being vague on purpose (I don't understand why someone would be vague on purpose though, so I told them it was their problem for being vague, rather than precise).

Another explanation I often get for why people get mad at me so frequently is that I question, or comment on, their statement when their statement did not actually need questioning. They also say I don't distinguish properly between what they percieve as rethorical questions/statements and questions that are actually intended for me to answer.

To make it simple, I will give two recent examples of conversations I had. The first one is with my girlfriend, the other one is with my gym partner.

1.
her: This matress sure is hard to lift.
me: ok. Is it heavy for you?
her: No, it's not heavy, I'm just tired from last night's work, so it's hard to lift.
me: that means it is heavy for you at this moment.
her: I just said it's not actually heavy. I'm just tired.
me: If you are too tired to lift it, that means it is heavy for you at this moment, because you are tired. How heavy something feels is subjective, and you are currently experiencing this matress as heavy.
her: please don't do that again. I'm just asking you to help me lift the matress.
me: no, you told me it was hard to lift. You never asked me to help you.

She got mad at me after the above conversation. Below is a conversation with my friend. He didn't seem to get mad, but he told me I slightly frustrated him.

Him: Dude, you should be more careful how you talk to people. You would get knocked out if you said that to Richard (a guy we know) at his birthday party or something.
me: I never went to his birthday party. I didn't want to.
him: I know that. See, you're doing it again.
me: Doing what? You told me if I said that to Richard he would knock me out. I never went to his birthday party, so that's irrelevant.
him: I meant it as a general point. You can't talk to people the way you do.
me: but what does it have to do with Richard? Why would you mention a specific person if you're making a general statement?

He got frustrated after that and told me he didn't want to talk about it anymore. I honestly don't see what I'm doing that is so wrong. All I'm trying to do is ask questions to get the full meaning of what someone is trying to say to me. I only have this problem outside of academia. At university, I very often do well at seminars where specific subjects of biology are discussed, and no one complains about the way in which I express myself. Why is it a problem elsewhere? I really don't want to frustrate people, or make them mad, but I've never been able to have a good social life outside of academia because of the above mentioned problem. Can someone help me understand what I am doing that people take offense to?

 

[Ree]

Ok I think I see what's wrong here... You're taking their statements literally, rather than as examples of what they're trying to explain to you for example, him mentioning richard knocking you out, he meant in other words that you have to be careful otherwise you could wind someone up like richard for example who would punch you. and with the mattress thing, she was hinting at if you'd help her carry it she was saying in other words that while she could easily pick it up, because she feels tired, it's heavy for her at that moment, and was hinting at if you'd help her. If you get into those situations in the future, probly best to just let it go, rather than carry on something that doesn't really matter. Hope this helps

 

[Biologist]

Ok I think I see what's wrong here... You're taking their statements literally, rather than as examples of what they're trying to explain to you for example, him mentioning richard knocking you out, he meant in other words that you have to be careful otherwise you could wind someone up like richard for example who would punch you. and with the mattress thing, she was hinting at if you'd help her carry it she was saying in other words that while she could easily pick it up, because she feels tired, it's heavy for her at that moment, and was hinting at if you'd help her. If you get into those situations in the future, probly best to just let it go, rather than carry on something that doesn't really matter. Hope this helps

I appreciate your response. Are you saying I should ask less questions and make less comments so the conversation isn't taken any further? I think my problem is that it happens automatically to me. I quess I'll just have to practice conversations more. Thanks!

 

[Ree]

Yeah in those situations Ah well it happens with my brother as well! Yeah practice makes perfect, so keep it up!

 

[Pacific_Loner]

I agree with Ree's explanation, and what your friends told you make sense as well. The thing is, it can get VERY annoying when you are saying something very simple that should not involve arguing, and the person you are talking to dodge the point of what you just said to question or argue about the form or relevance, or the way you said what you just said. If you see what I mean.

 

[Lilly789]

Yep - that's pretty rude.

It appears you have issues with comprehension (Im not being rude, I literally mean issues with comprehension. This is something that's taught in early high school usually - meaning, tone, theme etc). I don't think you are taking everything literally (she didn't say anything about it being heavy - you didn't understand her, so added that point in yourself).

The two conversations are actually slightly different -

1.. You don't understand how a large bulky item might be difficult to lift when one is tired, without it actually being heavy? really?? I find that very hard to believe. It appears like you're being an ******* just to be an *******, whether its a conscious thing or not. Effort is not necessarily related to weight. Even if it was - why would you insist on telling someone how they feel? That's not your job.

2. In this one you completely either miss the point of the conversation, or are choosing to ignore it and focus on something, which you even admit, is irrelevant. Talk about making this person feel small and insignificant.

Both of these things will translate to your friends as -
1. you don't really give a shit about them because you are unable to, or refusing to, listen to what they are actually saying.
or 2. you're a condescending ******* who is actively argumentative for zero purpose every time they speak to you.

So why bother having a conversation with you at all?
They've demonstrated this is how they're feeling about the way you speak to them with the way they've reacted and because they've told you so. And its pretty negative.

As you can imagine, that's not going to end well... you wont have any friends to argue with or tell them what they are doing/thinking.

The giveaway here is you do not have an intellectual disability, clearly. When high level functioning, as you are, even someone with autism spectrum can be taught, and even teach themselves, how to interact appropriately - you need to be taught what is appropriate and what isn't (you don't need to understand why), and then just need to be very self aware to keep it under control.

I actually do the exact same thing - usually when Im tired, or stressed about something unrelated, or when my personality disorder is playing up. Most of the time I can tell when Im doing it (not always), most of the time I cant help it anyway. Some of my friends have put up with it, most have given up and gone.

Either way, in the real world, no one cares if you (or me) are right or not. Telling someone how they feel, or ignoring their point to focus on irrelevant things are only going to make them feel like crap, and run from you.

Even if you are completely not meaning to, you are really disrespecting these people and it needs to stop. It would be an idea to actually talk to your friends about it. Tell them you understand that they get angry with the way you talk sometimes, and ask them to pull you up on it, and explain it, when it happens. then they will be less insulted, and will be able to help you to learn to interact appropriately along the way.

 

[BlackPuma]

It's a subtle thing, and not too rude, but try to not be too confrontational about things that aren't directly relevant to the conversation.

Like for example, in the first conversation she tried to express that she had trouble lifting the mattress in her current state, and got a bit crossed because her choice of phrasing was being challenged.

Similarly with the second conversation, he was expressing criticism that was being ignored due to the focus on the specific phrasing. That's probably what he meant with "you're doing it again."

While you may be technically correct that their phrasing wasn't optimal, when your correction sidetracks the core message with criticism it defeats the point of them saying it. A correction once in a while is fine, but when it happens frequently it can become very tiresome.

Spoken language is often imperfect, try not to take it too specifically and/or challenge it as much, and you should be fine.