Please help uplift my spirits!

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nothingnew

Member
Ok, guys I'm not sure if my "OCD" or "HOCD" is mild or not but please here me out (highly appreciated)

Alright well a little background on me, I'm fifteen and I've began to notice some anxiety last year, due to having a huge public speaking problem!
It grew and I noticed to worry about a bunch of things and I usually can cope with the other things but a 'Childhood Experience; randomly came up in my head after my friend showed me this weird video (Wasnt gay porn or anything)

Back before I hit puberty around 10 or 11, I experimented with a friend and from what I remember it was consensual we didn't do it cause we had feelings for each other I'm not quite sure how it started but it from "you show me yours, Ill show you mines" to kissing and he went down on me a few times...(In a couple month span) and I only did it once or twice..Now I was never really sure what I was doing I didn't think I was doing something gay and I didn't have an attraction to him or anything we did it for pleasure and out of boredom..

One random day we just decided to never do it again, I think we told each other we didn't like it and it never happened again. We also never brought it up again. We continued to hang out until' around age 13. Then we parted ways, and I'm pretty sure hes straight and, Lost his virginity to a girl, I have as well when I was 14.

I'm attracted to girls, I know that I love women and, will continue to do so. For one I lost my virginity to a girl and have been in several relationships, and I don't fantasize about being with men. But every time I think about that phase my stomach turns, my heart pounds and I feel weird, and wish I could erase all of that. Basically I just feel really guilty! That's where the "HOCD" comes into play, Im afraid of becoming gay, or turning gay or something cause its just not me...I don;t want to struggle with the OCD stuff I just feel alone like I'm abnormal for going through those things..Does that stuff make me gay? Is it normal?

What should I do to improve? I hate feeling so guilty

Also I don't miss those times I had, or anything like that. I'd much rather be with a woman, and hope to have kids one day and all that good stuff. Can someone help?

Oh and I feel like I'm hiding this from my friends and family, and I dont know what they would do if they knew I went through this cause I'm pretty sure they havent done any of that.:(

Thanks for taking your time to hear me out
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
Welcome to the forum, nothingnew.

I can understand what happened would play on your mind now that you're old enough to realise what it was you two were actually doing. If you're not interested in men but you've got that memory to go back to at any moment, I can understand your paranoia.

You're older now and you say you like girls and are interested in that. I don't think you need much more convincing that you're straight. What happened with your friend is just something you decided to experiment with and nothing more. I've heard of girls who sexually experiment with each other, and I believe what you did was exactly the same.

Nothing to be ashamed of.
 
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nothingnew

Member
Thanks! I know I'm not gay neither do i want to be , I just hate the internal thoughts that come along with that experience/Memory. It takes over me, and makes me anxious to find reassurance that I'm not "Gay" and that it was just a "Phase." How should I go about to not being so anxious? Or even always looking for reassurance?
 
Imaginary

Imaginary

Well-known member
Gay is not contagious, because gay is genetic, but if you are a bisexual, or a gay who just realized that you are a really gay.
 
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nothingnew

Member
I don't believe that to be true sir, that's the stuff that really gets to me! I don't want to be gay or anything like that I'm afraid of being gay!
 
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dyingtolive

Well-known member
yo nothingnew,
you're probably dealing with it nicely. these are all just common thoughts and its healthy to just allow them to surface you know. don't keep them bottled up. Allow yourself to feel that awkward feeling, and eventually in time, it will stop bothering you.

Mikey is right. Its not at all that rare. And you won't turn out gay because of it. You're gonna move on eventually. Good for you for being brave enough to share and let it out!
 
Imaginary

Imaginary

Well-known member
nothingnew said:
I don't believe that to be true sir, that's the stuff that really gets to me! I don't want to be gay or anything like that I'm afraid of being gay!
Click to expand...

Straight porn actor sometime do it for a big payment~ But it did not last long, they basically did not like it.
 
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powerfulthoughts

Well-known member
Its normal. U regret it, and hate that it happened. You are not gay, you just made a mistake. You enjoy females, therefore you are heterosexual. Try to let it go. You are okay and just try to erase it from your memory. If it comes back to memory, remember that you control your focus. Work out your "focus muscle" and let it go.
 
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nothingnew

Member
Thanks guys makes sense. I've heard its pretty "Normal" to have some sort of same sex experience whether its from before puberty to whatever age! I just so happened to have had that experience before hitting puberty didn't know right from wrong (Being gay isn't wrong). I not homophobic by any means, it doesn't bother me one bit! But just the thought of that experience came up in my head and has been eating up my thoughts and, gave me a bit of "HOCD." So yeah not sure where to go from here..
 
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dyingtolive

Well-known member
For a straight person, i wouldn't want to be gay either :D Its like a meat eater wouldnt wanna be vegetarian, or a vegetarian wouldnt wanna be a meat eater
 
N

nothingnew

Member
Haha yeah , makes sense! I just feel alone like I'm the only one who's ever been through this. The guilt is pretty overwhelming, I just want to live free like I have been these pass YEARS since this phase happened.
 
coyote

coyote

Well-known member
what you experienced was really fairly common thing for kids growing up

most people don't talk about it openly, probably for the same reasons it bothers you

just try to let it go

it's in the past

it does not define who you are or who you are to become

it has no more meaning than a birthday party game of pin-the-tail-on the-donkey might define your relationship with animals
 
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