please help, girlfriend is in danger, don't know what to do

dpr

Well-known member
So I worry a lot about everything, but most of it is about bad things happening to my family and loved ones.

My girlfriend has a shitty family who don't really communicate with her, but they are not the worst family in the world and I think they care about her at least a little bit, but she has always wanted to move out, so I have been encouraging her to do so.

So she told me she is moving in with her friend and that her friend wants to find an apartment ASAP. I thought this was great and was so happy for her. Then I find out that the reason her friend wants to move out ASAP, is because a few weeks ago her (apparently) ultra-religious, bad-tempered, suicidal, alcoholic father started throwing liquor bottles at her mother. The police were called but the wife refused to press charges. The father has just left the country for a while (don't know why). So this girl's mom told her, "You should move out before he gets back, I'm afraid he might kill you."

So my girlfriend is going to move in with this girl with the psycho father. What if he gets back to Canada and goes to her new apartment to kill her?! I realize I worry a lot, but I don't think I'm stupid for worrying about this, am I? Isn't this a dangerous situation?

I told my girlfriend I think it's a really bad idea, and told her all the reasons why. She sort of agrees it could be dangerous but she wants to move out anyway!

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm not the type of guy to tell my girlfriend what to do, like forbid her or threaten to break up with her or whatever, but should I? If it means saving her life?!

She has talked to her friend about her concerns and her friend says, "You're worrying over nothing," and "My dad would never do that." I doubt anyone thinks their dad would ever kill them... until they get killed!

Her friend also told my gf, "It sounds like you're just thinking about yourself." As if my gf is her ticket out of her fucked-up household and she should be happy about it?!?!

I've asked friends what to do, and they all said not to do anything, but I feel like such a helpless moron.

On top of all this, I am sort of resenting my gf. She is putting me in a dangerous situation (since I'm of course going to spend time in her new apartment with her), and also... she knows I worry like crazy over the littlest things (I always want her to call me when she gets home, and I tell her not to take the stairs at work in case something bad happens, etc.) and she knows that THIS situation will make me not eat, not sleep, worry constantly, and she doesn't seem to care. Just as long as she gets to move out.

Her family is not the greatest, but they would never physically hurt her.

What do I do?!

What would you do?!

I'm going out of my fucking mind. I just want to go to my gf's friend's house and kill her dad preemptively or something!!!

I couldn't live with myself if something happens to my gf and I know I could have done something to prevent it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

ripewithdecay

Well-known member
Hmm, honestly if i were in your position i'd also be worried. A psycho bottle throwing dad who just might come back to Canada from god knows what country to kill his own daughter and there's a chance your gf might be in the path of destruction? Pretty scary. You said he was ultra-religious? Do you know which religion?
I think you should have a sit down with the friend and express your concerns for your gf's safety (and hers as well?) If she thinks the threat is that real i would think about getting help from the police. Not to seem too paranoid, but being threatened to be killed like that is pretty damn serious.
Other than that I don't think there's much else you can do for now. I would let your gf go ahead and move in and just feel it out for a bit. Be around a bit more frequently if you can (as crazy as that sounds), and just try to think about what you would do in an emergency situation, you know, sort of plan ahead.
Just don't let it drive you mad with worry. Cool heads prevail. In the meantime maybe you can work on coming up with an alternative for your gf's living situation but it sounds like right now she needs to get out of her home, just as much as her friend does.
 

getbornagain

Well-known member
Assuming someone's father is going to kill his daughter is pretty farfetched(sp?). But I guess it's better safe than sorry, and if the mother herself recommended it...
 

JonnyD

Well-known member
being religious and alcoholic i don't belive the person would kill someone... but i think violence is worring enought...

sadly enought its common in domestic violence the wife trying to hide it, its no machism its statistics...

i don't believe i'm more qualified to talk about it, even living in a place where its common and sometimes even accepted (!!), i havent lived it.

what i think i would try to do is getting advice on social services, they have experience and could light up a flare on how to help you gfs family, because they have experience working with it.

i believe a good starting would be trying to put the alcoholic person on a rehab program, AA uses religion very effectivelly, but god... i know how an addicted person can be stuborn, even worse if they don't have the best personality...

good luck
 

dpr

Well-known member
ripewithdecay said:
Hmm, honestly if i were in your position i'd also be worried. A psycho bottle throwing dad who just might come back to Canada from god knows what country to kill his own daughter and there's a chance your gf might be in the path of destruction? Pretty scary. You said he was ultra-religious? Do you know which religion?

Yeah, he is catholic from Vietnam.

I think you should have a sit down with the friend and express your concerns for your gf's safety (and hers as well?) If she thinks the threat is that real i would think about getting help from the police. Not to seem too paranoid, but being threatened to be killed like that is pretty damn serious.

Yeah, I think I am going to do this, though it will be pretty weird since I've only met this girl once before. I barely know her, and I'm sure this will start our relationship off on the wrong foot or whatever, but I guess I have to have that talk with her.

And no, it doesn't sound crazy to be around more frequently. I'll probably want to live there for the first couple of months just to make sure she's okay.

Thanks for the advice.
 

dpr

Well-known member
getbornagain said:
Assuming someone's father is going to kill his daughter is pretty farfetched(sp?). But I guess it's better safe than sorry, and if the mother herself recommended it...

How is it farfetched? Did you read my post? Her own mom told her to get out because she thinks he might kill her? How much more direct can you get?!

Plus, someone who throws bottles at his wife is not going to stop being violent. This kind of shit ALWAYS escalates, and ends one of two ways... the woman eventually leaves, or she dies.
 

dpr

Well-known member
Riiya said:
This girlfriend of yours... she's a big girl, isn't she?

Is that supposed to be funny?

Riiya said:
Having grown up in nice neighborhoods, I honestly can't imagine someone that sounds like your gf's friend's father

This shit happens everywhere. There are assholes in all walks of life. Anyway, her friend doesn't live in the nicest of neighborhoods.

Riiya said:
Not telling someone what not to do because you don't want to seem controlling is stupid

I don't think it's stupid. I don't want to take away her right to make up her own mind and tell her how to make decisions. But at the same time, I don't know if I should urge her not to do this, or just be supportive. And I don't know where you got the idea she is young(?) We're roughly the same age, if that makes any difference (?)

I just don't see why you should be with someone who's capable of making you say something like:

I'm going out of my fucking mind. I just want to go to my gf's friend's house and kill her dad preemptively or something!!!

Well, I'm just at a loss ya know? And I'm saying that because I care about her and don't want her to get hurt. I want to make sure her friend's dad doesn't hurt her. And from the sounds of it, he might! Why wouldn't I want to kill the guy?!!
 

dpr

Well-known member
JonnyD said:
being religious and alcoholic i don't belive the person would kill someone...

Why do you say that?

what i think i would try to do is getting advice on social services, they have experience and could light up a flare on how to help you gfs family, because they have experience working with it.

Yeah, that's a good idea actually. I used to work as a support worker, but I am still undecided on what to do in certain situations like these.

Also, part of me is just wondering if I am worrying over nothing, since I do that all the time anyway. And now that I bring these concerns to my gf, it's like I'm "crying wolf," since I worry about everything all the time.

i believe a good starting would be trying to put the alcoholic person on a rehab program, AA uses religion very effectivelly

Ya true but the thing is, I barely know this girl and have never met her family. I'd probably feel a bit better if I had at least met them. I don't think they would like it very much, some stranger telling the crazy dad to join AA. I guess I could talk to my gf's friend about it, but from the sounds of things, she just wants to get as far away from him as possible.

Lame.
 

durda_dan

Well-known member
it's ok to be worried, But you shouldn't over exagurate, he thrw bottles because he was a drunk. he lef thte country, who knows if he will come back ever again, and also on top of that usually when people do something bad like that they feel bad and considder what they did and attempt to quit drinking and get their life on track, uNLESS he is a psychotic murderer now, In which case *i'm guessing he went to america* he would probably do some more bad there and get arrested.
So i would tell you to try and relax, your probably safer than you believ you are.

1) he is arrested for something worse then throwing bottles
2 he feels sorry for what he did and will try to quit being a bad person.

plus you said he was from vietnam? i have been all around asia, i live in china now and have a chinese girlfriend, and i know for a fact,m that all asians be it china,japan, singapore, or vietnam have a strong connection to family, although they usually don't treat woman particularily as well as men, they don't hurt their children.
asian families are closer knit than western families. and think for a moment. we woulnd't do that to our daughter, and they even less likely would do it to theirs, Try to relax.
 

dpr

Well-known member
durda_dan said:
it's ok to be worried, But you shouldn't over exagurate, he thrw bottles because he was a drunk. he lef thte country, who knows if he will come back ever again,

Yeah, I mean, this girl said her dad has never hit her. So maybe he was just really, really drunk and didn't know what he was doing. But he is supposed to come back in about a month. He went to Vietnam to visit relatives, I think.

durda_dan said:
plus you said he was from vietnam? i have been all around asia, i live in china now and have a chinese girlfriend, and i know for a fact,m that all asians be it china,japan, singapore, or vietnam have a strong connection to family, although they usually don't treat woman particularily as well as men, they don't hurt their children.

I dunno how much race or culture has to do with it, but my dad has never hurt my mother, ever. And I consider throwing bottles at your children's mother a form of hurting your children, at least emotionally.

But I dunno, I think anyone can be a psycho, regardless of where they were born. I know what you're saying though. Thanks for the input.[/quote]
 
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