Please Help, dont know what to do

OCDd

Well-known member
Hello everyone, I am new to this site so sorry if I post in the wrong section or something, and sorry for the length of this post but it is necessary. Let me start from the beginning. I have been suffering for about the last 2 years now and up until about 2 weeks ago it was somewhat manageable. It all started in 6th grade. My hormones started coming in and I tried masturbating. I didn't really like it though. Then in 7th grade I did it a little more and in 8th grade I did it a lot. Then all of the sudden I hated it, I continued to do it through 9th grade, but hated it. Everything now was marked as either safe or unsafe to touch. I don't know how but I remember everything I touched after masturbating all those years. I really don't know how but I do. If i ever touched anything unsafe, I would immediately know about it. But before I could touch a safe object again, I would have to 'uncontaminate' myself. This meant washing my hands A LOT. I would just stand there and wash for maybe 25 - 30 minutes. I use hot water too. My hands often crack and bleed because they are super dry, and I cannot use lotion (I will explain why later). Also I would spend a lot of time in the shower. So I stopped masturbating thinking it would help but it did not. I continued to wash my hands and take a long time in the shower. Also I would wear clothes to bed if I had already taken a shower that day (cause my mom would not let me). Obviously she did not know at first. For instance if I were to step in an area that is unsafe, I will wear socks to bed and when I walk in my room so that I don't contaminated my bed or my room because they are both safe. If I am wearing socks and step in the unsafe area, I will take them off before entering the room or my bed so I don't contaminate them. It is really complex though for multiple reasons, I just gave simply examples though. Sometimes it will take hours out of my day from all the stuff I have to do, constant washing of hands, and clothes, go in certain paths to get through a room, use a towel to touch a door handle or other contaminated object. Recently I couldn't take it anymore...I stayed home from school for like a week. One day I was just so fed up with doing this, I became very depressed and just cried for the first day that I stayed home from school. I told my mom the night before that I wanted to see a psychologist, and that I wanted to stay home from school till I did. She said that's fine and just said to do what you need to do to feel better. So it was two days before I could see one. I have had to talk to psychologists for other reasons before in life so I am not really new to this, but I am to therapy for what I am going through now. I explained everything to her and she diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder that causes major obsessive compulsive disorder, and because of what I have to do to satisfy that (my compulsions), it gave me depression. It has continued to get bad and it is terrible right now. I can't think of anything that is safe for a couple years till I move out on my own (because I'm contaminated and will be super hard this time to uncontaminate myself). What this means is anything safe, their a few things left that are, but I cannot think about them. Not because it’s too hard but because now I can contaminate things not only physically, but mentally. So that next time I do/think about that safe thing the only thing I will think about is how I contaminated this and now its contaminated. Also I have a pretty vivid picture of my future, it’s very detailed and I really want it. However I cannot explain it to you because it is safe and I don't want to contaminate it. If your wondering what happens when I do contaminate something mentally, the future I really want that I can’t even think about, I feel will not come true. Probably because the picture of my future is only made out of things that are safe. But it’s gotten to be too much. I get headaches often from too much thinking. I hate forcing myself not to think about the things I want to do. So let me explain what that means. I like music and I like listening to it. But music is safe mentally but I am not so I cannot think about it. I cannot think about the word, the letters that make up the word, any words associated with that word, lyrics of songs, song titles, or artists. If your wondering how I was able to right that word I have to pretty much just copy and paste each letter from an article on the internet. It sucks I have to force myself constantly not to think about these things. Sense almost all of the things that I use to be able to do are safe mentally, and I am unsafe mentally, I don't have much I can do anymore, or even THINK about anymore. Literally all that I can to so I don't mentally contaminate anything is stare at the wall, talk to people on socialphobiaworld.com, and go to school. But it gets even more complicated. Recently my laps have gotten super chapped cause it is dry out this time of year. But I am not allowed to think about lotion or chap stick, here is why. I used to listen to music but I can’t anymore because it is safe mentally and I am not. But when I did, their was an artist who I really like and she has a bunch of interviews, I have seen almost all of them. But she is always wearing chap stick or lip stick in the interviews and in her music videos (what ever it is it makes her lips shiny.) So does chap stick for me, so I can’t wear it because it makes my lips shiny so every time I walk by a mirror I will see it and fear that I will contaminate what is safe mentally. Also anything she says in her interviews I can not say for the same reason. This is dumb and I want help, my head aches from thinking too much, my hands hurt and are all red and produce no oils cause I wash them too much, my lips are chapped, and I am sick of this life. My psychologist said it would be 6 months before she could get me to touch things that are unsafe. But who knows how long it could be till I can think about things that are safe, when I am unsafe. Right now I am just on anti depressants which so far have done nothing. We will try for the next couple months to get me help but I am losing hope and it’s hard to go by every day. We will continue to try different things but if not I may have to get a procedure done which resets some of my brain. I should end it here cause I don't want this to turn into a novel. I really want help cause I hate life right now and am not able to think about anything I want to. I doubt anyone else has this form of obsessive compulsive disorder but if anyone has any tips on this or how to get by everyday it is MUCH appreciated. Thanks you sooooo much for taking the time to read this, and God bless you all.
 
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MothPriest

Member
Ok, wow, kevin my friend, believe it or not, their is some hope. I read the last few lines there and I used to think the very same thing. That was not too long ago either, maybe 2 years or less. I have OCD as well, and it still bothers me, but it was reallllly bad and it got so bad i had to sit on a couch for a month........ i only used the washroom when i had to or go to the doctor. I have contamination ocd, the same as you, its a piece of **** for the love of god..... Now heres the tricky part, most people with this form have some sort of fear of germs and what not. Im assuming thats not what you have, but rather a fear of things you find disgusting? Like semen or bodily fluids? Or possibly there is an element of guilt involved, guilt can be a big part in some peoples OCD, it's just a bastard like that. Anyways, I'm glad that your mom supports you, and you are seeking help, its very important. Heres my question, are you seeing a psycologist or a psychiatrist? And who is prescribing your medication? Also, are you paying the pyscologist per session? I'm from Canada so I dont what you would have to do, but antri depressants can take a long time to kick in for ocd, sometimes 4 weeks, sometimes months. Hopefully it helps, but it wont make it go away. Now are you doing things with your pyscologist in the mean time like cognitive behavioural therapy or exposure response prevention? I just hope you arent getting money drained and sucked dry without receiving any non medicated therapy while you wait for 6 months. I don't know what other issues you are dealing with, but here are some things you can do yourself that can help, and I hope they do, cause I feel your pain: exercise, research obsessive compulsive disorder, how it works and its mechanics, research anxiety and panic attacks and their mechanics, look up different forms of ocd, as well as disgust ocd(there is growing work and research becoming available for it), and find some books/sites/guides on dealing with ocd and how to get in control of it, cause right now its in control of you.

That little part of your house that is still safe, and uncontaminated, is contrasted by the contaminated parts of your house, so with reinforced mental time and energy and cognitive repetition it has become "clean" and very separate from everything else. Your ina pretty intense situation so i dont want to tell you to do anything specifically that may backfire, but I hear you and it can be tough, but instead of deflecting these feelings you get, or thoughts, try let them in and feel them....and its going to suck... very much so, and I still have trouble with that at times. OCD being an anxiety disorder, for you you are "cleaning" away the anxiety, or unwanted feelings you get. As for masturbation, it is an okay thing. There might be some negative association attached to it that makes you hate it, or maybe you are having some sexual issues or self persona problems, all of which are okay, and should not make you hate it or yourself. Masturbation is a instinctual part of mankind, its in our dna, well more specifically the action of sex is, but you get the idea. And it is inevitble that there will be some things on items that you dont want on them such as semen or w/e is a phobia for you, there will always be a tiny bit, if you want to control the ocd and not live like this, you have to accept a bit of it.:)
 

OCDd

Well-known member
hey man i just want to say thanks for taking the time to read it and help me out. I checked out that link you posted and i read it and its really helping me. thanks for your advice! To answer your questions though, Yes I am on medication I am on antidepressants right now though. Its a long story but basically i haven't been to my psychiatrist in a while so it took him two weeks to get me into him (he's really good so hes really busy) so i had to get my primary care (family doctor) to prescribe them. obviously and even she admitted she doesn't really know what she's doing regarding that type of thing cause she's not specialized in it. I knew she didn't know what she was doing but i needed symptom relief from depression so i went on anyways. It was basically just to get me through two weeks untill i am able to see my psychiatrist who actually knows what he is doing. Once again thanks, and God bless! :)
 
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jaim38

Well-known member
My psychologist said it would be 6 months before she could get me to touch things that are unsafe. But who knows how long it could be till I can think about things that are safe, when I am unsafe. Right now I am just on anti depressants which so far have done nothing. We will try for the next couple months to get me help but I am losing hope and it’s hard to go by every day.
It's great that you're getting professional mental help. But, don't you think 6 months is too long? I would want the psychologist to be more proactive with me, not wait 6 months later to see results. Also, you said you're on anti-depressants but they're not doing anything for you. If seeing this psychologist is not working for you, don't hesitate to look for a better one, someone who is better able to understand you and whom you can connect with.
 

OCDd

Well-known member
hey thank you for taking the time to read this and help me out, it means more than you think. I see my psychologist once a week and i am comfortable talking to her but she said she is going to start the therapy once we find a good antidepressant. Thats the reason it will take 6 months. so we will have to try different medicines till we find the right one. they take 6 weeks though to see if they work (each one). so who knows, only time will tell. thanks again and God Bless you.
 

MothPriest

Member
It's great that you're getting professional mental help. But, don't you think 6 months is too long? I would want the psychologist to be more proactive with me, not wait 6 months later to see results. Also, you said you're on anti-depressants but they're not doing anything for you. If seeing this psychologist is not working for you, don't hesitate to look for a better one, someone who is better able to understand you and whom you can connect with.
Agreed. A lot of people decide to not take meds for ocd. The best treatment currently is cognitive behavioral treatment. That plus meds is very good, but in the meantime you should be tackling the ocd and not be waiting for the meds to work, which is very unpredictable.
 

MothPriest

Member
Oh also, it took me about 8 months to find the right anti depressants, because I had to keep trying different ones and even then I really dont know the full effect it has had on me.
 

ebot

Member
Hi. I read through your post and am here to offer support, as I too suffer from contamination OCD in addition to Harm OCD. I've read that Anafranil is suppose to be a good med. Maybe that's worth a try if all else fails. I personally take Celexa, which helps with my depression, but, the Anafranil is more up the alley of the OCD fighter.
 

OCDd

Well-known member
hey thanks man, ill talk to my psychologist about different meds and stuff. right now she has me on Lexapro at 20mg but it might go up. Hopefully this goes away soon
 
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