Passive-Aggressive Friend

[Bittersweet]

I have a history of making friends with people who are passive-aggressive.

At first, they seem to be very mild-mannered, friendly and patient. The truth is, it's just their inability to be assertive.

When they get upset with me, they never let me know it. They just let it fester inside themselves and do one of two things.

1. Criticize me behind my back

2. Distance themselves

Usually it's a combination of the two.

I usually tell them that if I've ever said or done anything to upset or annoy them to let me know. They say they will, if I ever do anything.

But they never do.

Has anybody else dealt with passive-aggressive friends?

Have you ever been able to overcome their resistance to be direct when upset with you?

 

[kihira]

I can be like this with mrs phocas, though I think I'm overcoming it. For a while I had low self-esteem and didn't think I deserved to assert myself against her behaviour; now that I'm much more comfortable in myself I can be more assertive but have had, on occasion, my opinions chewed up and spat back at me. The main problem is, thinking about it now, that if she is annoying me, then I can feel too angry to express my opinion calmly (although she does this regularly herself). Its easier just to tolerate annoying behaviour. I guess its picking the right moment, when not annoyed, that may be the key

 

[Bittersweet]

If a new friend has taken to talking behind my back and making 'jokes' about me in front of others, should I take it as their own insecurity and give them a chance, or is that a hint from the person that they dislike me but don't have the courage to say so?

 

[Lea]

If a new friend has taken to talking behind my back and making 'jokes' about me in front of others, should I take it as their own insecurity and give them a chance, or is that a hint from the person that they dislike me but don't have the courage to say so?

I think this behavior is quite sneaky and cowarly in any case. Even if you decided to give it a further try it seems unlikely that anything good will come out of it.

 

[mikebird]

I know about this.

I seem to flip between the two, myself. I usually start as friendly, but people wind be up quite quickly. It's a main weakness of my character. With all good intentions, I am no good at handling people, at all

 

[Dark_Angel]

I think this behavior is quite sneaky and cowarly in any case. Even if you decided to give it a further try it seems unlikely that anything good will come out of it.

I agree , someone that critize u behind u back can't be called a friend , sometimes there could be some negative things that ur suppose friend could have to say but those things must be told not at ur back but just to u without the need to talk at back . in my opinion a true friend should never talk bad things around u and if there is something wrong that he thinks that u are doing then should tell u in front of u and just u so i dont think its that worth to keep a "friendshipness" like that

 

[Illusions]

I know at least 2 people who are like this. It's incredibly frustrating, especially when they distance themselves and start treating you coldly. I think it's actually even worse than being told off directly.

 

[FriendYourFear]

I have a history of making friends with people who are passive-aggressive.

At first, they seem to be very mild-mannered, friendly and patient. The truth is, it's just their inability to be assertive.

When they get upset with me, they never let me know it. They just let it fester inside themselves and do one of two things.

1. Criticize me behind my back

2. Distance themselves

Usually it's a combination of the two.

I usually tell them that if I've ever said or done anything to upset or annoy them to let me know. They say they will, if I ever do anything.

But they never do.

Has anybody else dealt with passive-aggressive friends?

Have you ever been able to overcome their resistance to be direct when upset with you?

I've learned over the years that even though people can be incredibly frustrating sometimes, you ultimately cannot change how people act around you. All you can do is to change the way that you react to their behavior. You have no control over their actions, but you have complete control over how their actions affect you.

So just let their anger/criticisms/etc. slide right off and don't pay any attention to them.

 

[schist]

The fact that they reneged on their word regarding confronting you about any criticisms/problems with you proves straight out that they are weak. You don't need weak people to bring you down in life.

Cut them off and walk away.