Overcoming anxiety through accepting it

[Ddarko]

Why are we all trying to get rid of sa/sp? In order to be happy. I say: screw happiness!! Embrace your social anxiety. Be awkward and uncomfortable. Accept isolation and despair! Accept misery! Only when you accept being unhappy will you overcome unhappiness. When someone tells you that you are too quiet, say in return "yeah, I know." If it comes out awkward or with a shaky voice, who the hell cares!! Let anxiety be. Normality is an illusion. If only we could realize that there is no such thing as social anxiety, then in that moment we could overcome it! How paradoxical.

 

[moodygoo]

I dunno.. embracing it seems to be exactly what I'm doing. No job. No friends. And doing nothing.
But I can see a place where I could accept being a quiet person but not an uncomfortable one, as if it were a personality trait and not fight with what I should be doing or saying. But I don't want to be quiet...

Then again thats me. I've not fought it until I know theres nothing I can do but accept. Maybe you have. Interesting theory

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

I think that what you are saying is to stop looking at anxiety as being such an awful thing, but to see what is good about it (eg: sensitivity, some of us are creative etc).

I think the really intelligent part of what you are observing is that trying to get rid of anxiety is what perpetuates it -and in fact we need to make a big problem into a smaller one instead.

...When I am noticing things well, recently, I have noticed this also. That whevever I have any agenda along the lines of trying to 'stop' or get rid of anxiety (especially when I start to get afraid that it will pop up somewhere) this already puts that massive load of pressure on me to perform ...and I think that before I had anxiety, I had high sensitivity and perfectionist tendencies, that upon getting nervous in situations I then kept applying my standards and pressure to try to correct -but that this instead made a smaller problem into the bigger one that is now social anxiety.

The other thing is that thoughts like "I want to get rid of anxiety" and "I've got to do well in this situation and watch so that I don't get anxious" -can be really subtle and I mostly haven't noticed my thinking them -much less have I made the connection that these kind of thoughts put all the pressure that brings about my nervousness and tenseness.
The other day I disconnected from such thoughts, and I was in the frame of mind where I actually was able to notice them; and (with the help of the 'smiling' technique, where I approached a stituation positively instead of with worry) I experienced barely any anxiety.

 

[Kinetik]

I'm not sure if you're being sarcastic donnie, but I know I'm big on trying to work within my limitations. That's why I try not to let this stuff get to me, although I certainly have my weak moments. Some of the bigger things I'd like to be able to get over, the things that are necessary in order to be successful in life, but in terms of how I actually am and conduct myself, well, I wouldn't change a thing. I'd be happy if I could grow a pair and not feel agitated at the thought of having to make a phone call, for example. I'd like it if I didn't feel a subconscious need to be alone and withdraw from everyone. But when I'm strong and thinking clearly, I'm able to put it in perspective and see that it's actually relatively minor stuff. I like me, and I know I am not my thoughts, so I try not to take what's going on too personally. Though like I say, I definitely slip up from time to time. I've probably had shitty days even on this forum which might seem to be in stark contrast with this post, but really, this is generally how I feel, or at least try to make myself feel. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that I think it's a waste of energy to see everything as an uphill struggle all the time. If we can let go of things, at least momentarily, it can really lift the weight off our shoulders.

 

[Ddarko]

Well, I was trying to be "experimental" rather than sarcastic. I'm throwing this out there to see what others think. To moodygoo's point, I've fought with it many times of course, but I'm wondering (with LittleMissMuffet) if struggling with it the way we usually do is making things too complicated and difficult. Maybe the breakthrough we're all looking for is closer than we think. I know, I know, the psychologists all say that it requires prolonged cognitive behavioral therapy and such, but if you truly accept your anxiety then it would mean that you wouldn't refrain from doing things based on fear because you would cease to care whether you were uncomfortable, awkward or whatever. You might experience these things, and you'd expect to experience them beforehand, but again: who cares, no big deal... just awkwardness: it's not the end of the world. I know it's easier than it sounds... believe me, I know first hand, and I'm not saying I always stay true to it. But what if we could just accept the fact that we will be embarassed, we will feel awkward, we will be uncomfortable, we will be occaisonally or even very often socially or conversationally inept... we don't want to be like this because we feel like other people see us negatively, and if they do then that might have consequences (that's our fear anyway: e.g. we fear they won't like us). We want people to like us because we feel that others' liking us will make us happy (and perhaps it will). But if we could just accept our fate, and truly accept it, then would it cease to be fate?

In other words, I'm not talking about accepting sa/sp and just living with it. Rather, about accepting it in order to overcome it. What if there is some kind of "zen" enlightenment experience or something that lies just around the corner? It might be as simple as letting everything go. Maybe it does take practice though, I'm not sure.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Hey there Donny,

I think you're onto something; you've picked up the scent and you should follow your nose. You're kind of seeking to break things up; to see what's good and bad about anxiety.

I happen to think that that is smart. Would take a lot of clarity and determination -but like Gandalf said (!) 'When in doubt, follow your nose.'

Speaking of zen and the like -they say that winning the battle is in the surrender and not the fight. Just like we are really fighting with ourselves -like anxiety is one part something about us that we can't change and the other part is us wanting to change this, and these two sides are fighting and neither is budging.

Or you could like compare it to having a ball come at you off of a wall and hitting it back hard to protect yourself, but as soon as it hits the wall, it just comes back all the harder. -And I think an anxiety problem is at the stage where we've hit the ball so hard that it coming towards us seems so scary and 'bad' -but, you're noticing that it is only bad because we hit it so hard, because it's gotten out of whack and overblown.

...call it 'changing perception', call it 'making the 2 into one' that spirituality is about, call it 'seeing and becoming the circle' instead of being in 'the vicious circle' ...but you're onto something, I believe.

When you say 'only by accepting unhappiness will you become happy' -aren't you just trying to question your own way of judging what is 'right' and acceptable-? ...like maybe anxiety got to be a monster as a result of our feeding a smaller monster. ...maybe we started off believing that introversion and shyness were not right enough or acceptable -and perhaps because we could experience shyness and sensitivity intensely at times, we have tried to control this more in accordance with our belief that shyness etc isn't 'good' enough ...and a little monster grew to get overweight pretty quickly and now our rules for what is acceptable make him appear a really fat monster.

....Anyway, have you heard this spiritual saying, that is about perception and reality and illusion -
"What you resist persists, but what you look at disappears"
They also say that bringing light to something is associated with 'good', or that 'light' is associated with good. And I think that this is because if you see things correctly, then you are able well to recognise the good coexisting with the bad. Just like breaking-down anxiety into parts and also not resisting it.

In a way though, my novice's understanding of zen-like puzzles, tells me that maybe you are trying to take it all the way... that you're noticing that seeing the good with the bad actually means fully accepting anxiety (cos you can believe there is good also to something so bad) Basically, you're looking at what really truly changing your perception means.
...I encourage you to keep going, I think you're onto something.

 

[AdamWest]

I've been trying that, though it seems I've become even more of a social outcast. I don't care anymore, but now I don't care to try to be social. Now when it comes to girls, it becomes more of a, well I'm so messed in the head to them they would never be with me. And it's not just in my head, no girl wants to be with someone so screwed in the head. Or at least as they see it. So now I don't even care about girls. It's change or die alone. Shrug.

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

Thats an interesting approach to dealing with Social Phobia . Co existing with it. I 've always notice that the harder I tried to over come my SA;the more it just seems to follow me like my shadow.

However when I'am in a rush and I don't have time for perfectionist thinking my social phobia seem to dissapear completely.

 

[ignisfatuus]

when I'm in a rush and I don't have time for perfectionist thinking my social phobia seem to disappear completely.

I experience the very same thing; how to take advantage of this though?

As for the OP's suggestion, this is a popular topic that keeps resurfacing on most SA forums (including this one). You achieve the opposite of ridding yourself of SA by accepting it. The only possible positive outcome that can come from trying to live within the boundaries imposed by the disorder is hitting rock bottom. Once you hit the absolute lowest point you can go, some people move into a progressive mode, never wanting to experience that nadir again. Some don't. There's easier ways to mitigate the effects of SA.

 

[LittleMissMuffet]

Tampa Bay: you're not the only one who has noticed this.

In fact, I notice that my social anxiety only turns up when I have some expectation to perform.
And ignisfatuus: one way of taking advantage of this could be as follows...

before you go into a situation where you anticipate anxiety (because you've experienced anxiety there before or it stands in your mind that you need to prove yourself in this situation) notice yourself anticipating anxiety and that this puts a pressure and that 'spotlight' on you as a performer -and make the connection between these thoughts/feelings and feeling anxious in the situation. Then drop these feelings and replace this with a casual approach: this is just an everyday thing.

I've done this a few times recently and it has worked. I also try a 'smile' technique, where if anxiety does pop up very quickly and reactively when I approach someone, I replace this feeling and expression on my face with a smile -to try to stop my habit of panicking reactively. ...this can also work in the sense that it takes one's mind off of possible mistakes and off of worrying about every little thing.

Another one for me is to think of the person as an individual with their individual thoughts -and to focus on thinking about how they feel and of how to make them most comfortable.

One tip that I read on another SA website, is when you feel people looking at you, you can try meeting their gaze in a matter-of-fact, non-confrontational way. ...I think that this can help break the ice if done in a casual way -it could make a person feel assertive to quiet those doubting thoughts.