Kathryn
Well-known member
So I've started going to a university. All my life, I've never had any ACTUAL friends(I had childhood friends who didn't last long and were not what you would call friends, trust me).
So my new roommates seemed interested in me at first. I started feeling extremely inadequate when they got super close and started ignoring me whenever I was around. They have the same sense of humor, and whenever I force myself to laugh at whatever they laugh at, I feel like a piece of my soul dies. Their behavior makes me feel really insecure but I feel totally helpless in the situation.
I can't decide if it's just me, but my negativity against the world bleeds in to my deep hate for the human race in general. I can't help but hate everything in this meaningless existence, including myself. My brain is just a whole mess of chemical snakes that keep feeding me ****.
I want to be myself whenever I'm around people, but I don't even know who the hell I am as a person. I just feel like an it.
Whenever I'm around a bunch of people, all they talk about is ****. Stupid, meaningless ****. **** that won't even exist in ten years.
And no matter what I do, I'm always the different one. I'm the strange, boring one that no one wants to talk to. No one is like me...I'm completely and utterly alone. And no one gives a damn. Everyone is just so selfish, including myself. It can't be helped. We're all just a bunch of starved animals struggling to survive on this planet.
Most of my thought is just wasted on mere negativity, but my brain has nothing else to hold on to.
I can't bear the silence....there's a constant ringing in my ear that keeps me from focusing. My left ear is going deaf and no one cares. No one cared when I fell from the stairs and limped my way around campus. No one cared when I told my roommates about my social anxiety. It was alright to them, because they simply didn't give a damn. I've made myself vulnerable and they don't even care. I left a mysertious veil on my life's story by withholding information from them, and it's alright because they don't care. We all continue on with our worthless relationships with people because it makes us feel safe. As a result, we deny ourselves the relationships (&conversations) we really need in life.
Even when I'm on the ground, crying, pleading and groveling for some help, no one will give a single damn for my suffering. Every negative slice of pain is internalized so deeply that it doesn't show on the outside....nothing shows on my outside.
I always thought I'd overcome this anxiety and be extremely social someday, but now I've realized the awful truth....I'll always be the same, and people will always be indifferent to this fact.
I think about death ALL the time now, and it scares the **** out of me. My life has already gone by so fast, and ALL of it was submerged in a **** full of negative thoughts. It was all wasted....all of life is just wasted.. I don't understand why some people have better lives than other....none of it makes any sense. Nothing makes sense....everything is a paradox.
I don't know why I'm here on this planet, but I clearly don't belong here.
So my new roommates seemed interested in me at first. I started feeling extremely inadequate when they got super close and started ignoring me whenever I was around. They have the same sense of humor, and whenever I force myself to laugh at whatever they laugh at, I feel like a piece of my soul dies. Their behavior makes me feel really insecure but I feel totally helpless in the situation.
I can't decide if it's just me, but my negativity against the world bleeds in to my deep hate for the human race in general. I can't help but hate everything in this meaningless existence, including myself. My brain is just a whole mess of chemical snakes that keep feeding me ****.
I want to be myself whenever I'm around people, but I don't even know who the hell I am as a person. I just feel like an it.
Whenever I'm around a bunch of people, all they talk about is ****. Stupid, meaningless ****. **** that won't even exist in ten years.
And no matter what I do, I'm always the different one. I'm the strange, boring one that no one wants to talk to. No one is like me...I'm completely and utterly alone. And no one gives a damn. Everyone is just so selfish, including myself. It can't be helped. We're all just a bunch of starved animals struggling to survive on this planet.
Most of my thought is just wasted on mere negativity, but my brain has nothing else to hold on to.
I can't bear the silence....there's a constant ringing in my ear that keeps me from focusing. My left ear is going deaf and no one cares. No one cared when I fell from the stairs and limped my way around campus. No one cared when I told my roommates about my social anxiety. It was alright to them, because they simply didn't give a damn. I've made myself vulnerable and they don't even care. I left a mysertious veil on my life's story by withholding information from them, and it's alright because they don't care. We all continue on with our worthless relationships with people because it makes us feel safe. As a result, we deny ourselves the relationships (&conversations) we really need in life.
Even when I'm on the ground, crying, pleading and groveling for some help, no one will give a single damn for my suffering. Every negative slice of pain is internalized so deeply that it doesn't show on the outside....nothing shows on my outside.
I always thought I'd overcome this anxiety and be extremely social someday, but now I've realized the awful truth....I'll always be the same, and people will always be indifferent to this fact.
I think about death ALL the time now, and it scares the **** out of me. My life has already gone by so fast, and ALL of it was submerged in a **** full of negative thoughts. It was all wasted....all of life is just wasted.. I don't understand why some people have better lives than other....none of it makes any sense. Nothing makes sense....everything is a paradox.
I don't know why I'm here on this planet, but I clearly don't belong here.
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