Only the morning and already hate it

[Hottie]

If you dont want to read a depressing thread then steer clear and dont read this because it has no happiness in it what so ever...sorry

Im having a s**t day today. I dont know if its from thrusday day/night and friday morning sessioning........but since waking up, whatever im feeling i dont like like this s**t. My motivation, its gone, my postive buzz, its gone, my life seems to be doing nothing for me. I usually feel these things before a horrid depressive eposide comes on and i dont want to become that way as i absolutly hate it. I have been feeling pretty good and unusualy positive for a little while but here we go again...back into the vicious cycle. Its like what goes up must come down.

Im just feeling low. I dont have anyone to talk to about this...well i do, but dont tell them how im feeling because im not the type of person that find it easy to talk about feelings and also its not really going to help how i feel. The only time i do this is when im out of my mind on drink and drugs. I have been in bed all day yesterday (recovering from Paddy's Day) and i honestly dont want to get up - only for food! What will today bring me..?...absolutly nothing.

I know the way im feeling will pass with time, soon i hope, but when i begin to feel like this...its so hard to even smile (if i did, it would be completely fake and look weird). Actully thinking of it now it is difficult to do absolutly anything...

I know its saturday and people do nice things on the weekend...but what do i do? I mope around the house, doing absolutly nothing. I would feel better if i a bag of grass/weed or a lummp of hash/pot, smoke a nice joint and just get stoned or buy a bag of coke or a few e's and get wasted to forget about my feeling...but i cant do that because i've givin up drugs after thursday (i know its not long but i have to start somewhere......again).

Looking out my window and its really nice outside...pity i wont be out to enjoy it. If i am to be going out, it will only to be getting drunk later tonight - no drugs, i swear! I dont want to live my life this way - living to get drunk and wasted...but honestly its all i enjoy, but yet it still makes me sad. Also the music and events i mostly enjoy, i cant go to anymore because drugs are rampent at those scenes. Its like everything i like and enjoy has to be avoided, and things in life i dont like, i cant avoid. Somebody please explain the logic in that....i certainly dont see any at all.

I am aware this is getting long...but i could honestly go on and on and on writing about the f**ked up way i feel, but i wont bore you because im sure a lot, if not all, know how s**t im feeling. Im sorry again if this is depressing but its because its how i feel - like s**t, and its the only place i can use to say how im feeling without feeling anxious and judged so again im sorry if you have read this...i tried to warn you.... ::

 

[Alphasocket]

Sounds like you're burning the candle at both ends a bit too much. It might just be the hangover as it made me feel terrible too. I believe you should cut back on your boozing and then see if you feel any better in the long term. I won't state the obvious by ranting on about it being a depressant but give it a go. You stated that you live just to get plastered and that's a dangerous thing by your own admission. You should accept the advice from someone who was psychologically addicted such as me and cut down to a minimum or wipe it out because if you're going down that road, the further you go, the more difficult it gets to get back. If you're using alcohol as a crutch to deal with your problems, down the line it will become your biggest problem. Trust me. I've been there. As for the drugs, well it's the same deal.

 

[Hottie]

Alcholism run in my family and it is something that scares me. From what i have been through (physically and mentally) i dont want to turn into the people who have took away my childhood.

I am currently in addiction counselling (only been two weeks), i told her i would give up drugs after thursday...today is only saturday and i already want to get wasted.

I wont get wasted but im proberly going to end up drinking. Is it better to sit in depressed or go out and get drunk? Neither, but those are my options.

I hate the way i feel right now, i know it will pass, but it brings on my obsession about suicide and im afraid of my thoughts. Suicide at the moment is all i can think of when im sitting in. I wont do it but i dont like to think this way. Its awful. Sorry for saying that, i turelly am, but my thoughts control me when im feeling like this.

I know my drinking has to be minimized, as i rely on it. It is a goal that i will be working on in addiction counselling. Are you completely sober now?

Thanks for the reply

 

[Alphasocket]

Nowadays, I rarely have a drink. Thankfully, the interest isn't there as much as it once was nor is the need for it. My problem started big time when I was first living on my own and I was bored. When you're drinking to excess on your own, it's sure time to get your act together. I noticed that my drinking time had gotten earlier in the evenings and when I was without it, I could see that I felt "funny". A friend of mine at the time had the same thing happen to him, but in his case he let it get the better of him and he became physically addicted. That's the worst case scenario. Whatever you do DON'T let that happen to you regardless of how hard it is to stop. You WILL regret it later if you do. I hope to God you get through this. Best of luck, Hottie

 

[DespairSoul]

Hello Hottie,

Well is depressive what u wrote. I feel ya. I know how u feel. I think alcohol and drugs can make it yet
worse. I don't know if u will agree or not. But is true. Do u take any antidepressants? Over mixing of all of it can make big deal in your moods either! Well i don't want moralize and write u what u have to do
and what not. I'm sure u know well that's isn't the best way deal with SA and depression. Hangover can be later hard reality and u are now facing it. I don't know what is the reason why u are wasting your self much if is because of your mental condition and u are despair so much and escape to alcohol because u don't know what to do. Or u do just for fun or both.
U said u want be "drugs free" from Thursday i think is very good choice. U should try it be with out and see what's happened. Maybe your moods will be more in balance and u will feel much better? Give a try
U wrote u have alcoholism in your family well this sign could influence u too in some way. We can't blame others for us own mistakes u are right. Isn't they were drinking u will too but u can have genetic dispositions to it yep. I hope u will manage feel soon better! Thank u for your feedback by other thread. I wish all good Hottie.

 

[Hottie]

When you're drinking to excess on your own, it's sure time to get your act together.

The only time i would want to drink on my own is to pre-drink before i go out with a group of people. If i had no drink in me before i went out...i prob wouldnt go out, which is sad but reality for me. Otherwise than that i wouldnt want to be drinking on my own.

Do u take any antidepressants?

I have just weined off an anti-depressant, as it wasnt doing anything for me. I realise the effects with mixing chemicals, but when in the frame of mind where you want to get out of it, possible effects do not come into my mind.

I don't know what is the reason why u are wasting your self much if is because of your mental condition and u are despair so much and escape to alcohol because u don't know what to do. Or u do just for fun or both.

It is what i have done for the last 6years. The high is great but the come-down and the low is horrible with drugs. Thats why i am seeking professional help for my addictions, the anxiety i put on myself is not worth the buzz anymore. But it is so difficult to just say "no".
I drink to medicate from the anxiety as otherwise i wouldnt go out. I would never see my friends or do anything during the weeks. It is the only time i can forget about my presonal issues and 'let go'.

We can't blame others for us own mistakes u are right. Isn't they were drinking u will too but u can have genetic dispositions to it yep.

I used to blame my family for the way i turned out. Until i first went through therapy, this was my excuse. I realise now i can not put my bad choices down to others - they are my choices. This even goes for people who are 'bad influences'. They may be a bad influence but it is still my decision to drink and drug - no one elses.

I am currenly trying to work on my motivation and will-power. These two skills are key in recovery. Without them you are sure to fail.
I failed last night, i said i would have a 'casual drink' so i am around people so my depression can be masked. For someone struggleing from addiction, a casual drink is near not possible. I ended up staying up all night and day, doing all sorts, and now im recovering once again.

It is a vicious cycle of anxiety, depression, obsession, drink, drug, anxiety depression, obsession, drink, drug, etc. I need to step out of that cycle if i want to improve my life and work on my happiness.

This weekend is over, but a new one will soon arrive and i hope i can find the strengh within me, to nip these problems in the bud, before they esculate and cause permant damage to my future.

Thanks for the relpies,

Peace & Love

 

[sullyS25]

I know you dont want to hear this hottie but drinking will make you feel worse TOMORROW morning. THat is the cycle. I know exactly how you feel and it is miserable and I apologize. I also know you will probably end up drinking despite anything I have to say but seriously the drink just delays the inevitable ****ty feeling you will have, it will not go away unless you stay drunk. Even then the alcohol doesnt do the trick and hopelessness is all you have. I really wish you would think twice before turning to the drink because in the end it will make things worse.

That being said I know exactly how you feel and I apologize. I always thought life with out the drink or the drugs would be boring and suck but that isn't the case for ME. I never thought I would be happy even when I got sober but I am happy. This will pass like you said. You mentioned you quit drugs on thursday and i recall you saying you were taking benzos. Your body is getting used to not having them in your system, even if it is minor withdrawal it is withdrawal. The worst symptom I experienced from withdrawal from benzos, painkillers or heroin was the emotional withdrawal. I wanted to die. It passed though and you anguish will pass as well if you just get past the week or so of mental anguish that is a result of the drugs and alcohol. Either way I am here for you and Im sure everyone else that has replied is as well. Best of luck.

 

[DespairSoul]

Hottie,

Well i do understand u why u are doing it all of it. I had to some period what i try forgot about my pain and tried things. Well also weed and drinking. But not like every weekend more like few times per year. I was feeling yet worse after it then i talk from my own experience. Guilty this is the right word. I was feeling guilty that i try escape of my pain. I guess this isn't the right direction and i know it. Also alcohol was my friend maybe just few months but i was feeling crappy afterward but not like i were addicted i never ever was addicted on those stuff for my luck. I hope u will manage don't take it nothing anymore because this will make u feeling worse and worse Hottie. I wish all the best and hope u will manage fight those need drink so much

 

[Hottie]

I understand drink is a depressant. And if already depressed, drinking certainly wont help me gain anything....but could potentially make me lose everything.

I am only two weeks into my addiction counselling. Today is day no.2 of being off drugs. Hopefully this time next week it will be day no.9.

I will keep updating my progress as i go along. Just for the record i am not giving up drink (yet!)...im trying to stop medicating with it. But drugs is my first issue i am going to deal with.

When i got off drugs before i felt no difference to my anxiety but i think, even if i feel no difference at first i have to keep going...

It is a new week, so its a new start.

Thanks all for the kind words and advice...

 

[sullyS25]

Well good luck and I hope for the best.

In the future I do hope you keep us updated as to how well that plan works though.

 

[bigcat1967]

Hottie - you might be having withdrawal symptoms from drugs.

I'm withdrawing from Klonopin - and I use self-hypnosis to get over a lot of my symptoms. Go online and look up "how to do self-hypnosis" - I really hope this helps.