Josh5339
Well-known member
Lately my social anxiety disorder seems to be decreasing. I'm not entirely sure though. It kind of feels like I'm slowly waking up from a nightmare, but fear that I can very easily slip back.
I've been starting to revert back into the kid I used to be when I was five years old. At that age I would go to parties, have birthday parties and I even remember sending a letter to a girl I liked to see if she liked me. Well, maybe not five - but maybe five to eight or ten or something.
After those years I started running away into my shell. It seemed like I was stuck in a storm with winds that could kill me. I think part of it is I stopped being the kid I was and tried to adapt to the kid my parents, peers and teachers expected me to be.
I'm a punk. Inside and out. I have plans of even dying my hair black and spiking it up when I move out to LA. That's the scene that I relate to the most. Hell, seeing an interview with Green Day when they were also 21 - for the first time I didn't feel like an alien, they weren't like all the other 21 year olds I'm surrounded with in college or suburbia. They were really 'out there.'
I'm starting to revert back into the kid that I used to be. Crazy, wacky, zany. Overall not really caring about what people think. If they see me as outsider, alright - they're all dumb anyways. Lol. I'm an alien - and I love being an alien - I shouldn't try to be human just for them. This alone has given me more confidence than I ever had before.
There was a girl I really liked and met over the summer. She's on my facebook. I shyed away from her over the summer. Tried facebook texting her couple of weeks ago, I felt like the world would explode if I pressed entered and was giving myself a serious panic attack - she didn't answer. I tried again the other night, without any difficulty, and she responded & said "it was nice hearing from you" to make a point that she had to leave, but likes me.
Also this week a girl caught my eye in the mall, just needed to say hi. But, I saw an opportunity. Also today at a restaurant the cashier was completely hitting on me, if only my Dad wasn't there - I felt like shoving him aside so it could just be me and her (parents! can't wait until I escape to LA in four months!).
Tonight I also sent my scripts in to services to be reviews and receive coverage on. A week ago, I couldn't even do this because I was scared as hell. It was like "oh ****, if they don't like it - they'll kill me!!!!" (not literally, but sure as hell felt like that). Tonight, I was finally able to do it because I'm thinking "if they don't like it, what the hell - improve upon it, just their opinion." Writing it with the son of an academy award winner, but - still, the fear was there in waves.
I haven't felt more confident than I have since Monday when I decided to just come out as the punk I am. Dress, attitude, everything. What I want, when I want, how I want - world be damned. It's my life, I'll live it the way I want to.
I still feel insecure about dying my hair and possibly getting an earing on right ear (as said, punk) when in college setting. Cause' too many people wouldn't be used to it, they know the mask - not the punk alien, not the kid I was when I was five (even have my hair like I used to put it back then, then was told not to - staying with it this time). So making the most changes when going to Cali (another reason why I can't wait to get out there, just three months until the 'reset' button I've been dreaming for since middle school).
Am I completely cured? Nope, no way. I feel like my life can slip away at any second. Almost like I'm dancing on the rug right now and any second someone can pull the rug out from under me (I don't know how, since I can get turned down and put a positive spin on it now it seems like). It's also owed to my shrink who told me 'All those ideas that you create that haunt you - be like a kid and always ask why, you'll find those fears are all in your mind.' I'll take the feeling of 'maybe it will slip away!' fear over constantly feeling like I'm in a whirling tornado.
I think, one possible cure for some people, is to just try to relax and be yourself. Don't care what other people think of you. This will be easier in LA where I'll be a stranger to everyone (for some reason, I'm having best luck with strangers - if I make a mistake, it won't follow me (wonder how this will be interpreted into these three final school months, will get out as much as possible though to remind myself of the future I have out there).
I've been human for around 13 years now, it's gotten me nowhere trying to pretend I'm someone I'm not - I feel more than uncomfortable that way. I'm not the kid on the leash, I'm breaking it and going back to the kid that was literally bouncing off the walls with the most absurd sense of humor. This alone has given me confidence, not only am I happier - but people have been responding more to me as me. Hell, girls are finally paying attention. So for those who might have also somehow tried to adapt as a person to suit others, try just being yourself - it seems to have broken one of the chains holding me back.
Alien. Punk. Future Warner Brothers employee (as soon as slot opens up). Screenwriter.
I've been starting to revert back into the kid I used to be when I was five years old. At that age I would go to parties, have birthday parties and I even remember sending a letter to a girl I liked to see if she liked me. Well, maybe not five - but maybe five to eight or ten or something.
After those years I started running away into my shell. It seemed like I was stuck in a storm with winds that could kill me. I think part of it is I stopped being the kid I was and tried to adapt to the kid my parents, peers and teachers expected me to be.
I'm a punk. Inside and out. I have plans of even dying my hair black and spiking it up when I move out to LA. That's the scene that I relate to the most. Hell, seeing an interview with Green Day when they were also 21 - for the first time I didn't feel like an alien, they weren't like all the other 21 year olds I'm surrounded with in college or suburbia. They were really 'out there.'
I'm starting to revert back into the kid that I used to be. Crazy, wacky, zany. Overall not really caring about what people think. If they see me as outsider, alright - they're all dumb anyways. Lol. I'm an alien - and I love being an alien - I shouldn't try to be human just for them. This alone has given me more confidence than I ever had before.
There was a girl I really liked and met over the summer. She's on my facebook. I shyed away from her over the summer. Tried facebook texting her couple of weeks ago, I felt like the world would explode if I pressed entered and was giving myself a serious panic attack - she didn't answer. I tried again the other night, without any difficulty, and she responded & said "it was nice hearing from you" to make a point that she had to leave, but likes me.
Also this week a girl caught my eye in the mall, just needed to say hi. But, I saw an opportunity. Also today at a restaurant the cashier was completely hitting on me, if only my Dad wasn't there - I felt like shoving him aside so it could just be me and her (parents! can't wait until I escape to LA in four months!).
Tonight I also sent my scripts in to services to be reviews and receive coverage on. A week ago, I couldn't even do this because I was scared as hell. It was like "oh ****, if they don't like it - they'll kill me!!!!" (not literally, but sure as hell felt like that). Tonight, I was finally able to do it because I'm thinking "if they don't like it, what the hell - improve upon it, just their opinion." Writing it with the son of an academy award winner, but - still, the fear was there in waves.
I haven't felt more confident than I have since Monday when I decided to just come out as the punk I am. Dress, attitude, everything. What I want, when I want, how I want - world be damned. It's my life, I'll live it the way I want to.
I still feel insecure about dying my hair and possibly getting an earing on right ear (as said, punk) when in college setting. Cause' too many people wouldn't be used to it, they know the mask - not the punk alien, not the kid I was when I was five (even have my hair like I used to put it back then, then was told not to - staying with it this time). So making the most changes when going to Cali (another reason why I can't wait to get out there, just three months until the 'reset' button I've been dreaming for since middle school).
Am I completely cured? Nope, no way. I feel like my life can slip away at any second. Almost like I'm dancing on the rug right now and any second someone can pull the rug out from under me (I don't know how, since I can get turned down and put a positive spin on it now it seems like). It's also owed to my shrink who told me 'All those ideas that you create that haunt you - be like a kid and always ask why, you'll find those fears are all in your mind.' I'll take the feeling of 'maybe it will slip away!' fear over constantly feeling like I'm in a whirling tornado.
I think, one possible cure for some people, is to just try to relax and be yourself. Don't care what other people think of you. This will be easier in LA where I'll be a stranger to everyone (for some reason, I'm having best luck with strangers - if I make a mistake, it won't follow me (wonder how this will be interpreted into these three final school months, will get out as much as possible though to remind myself of the future I have out there).
I've been human for around 13 years now, it's gotten me nowhere trying to pretend I'm someone I'm not - I feel more than uncomfortable that way. I'm not the kid on the leash, I'm breaking it and going back to the kid that was literally bouncing off the walls with the most absurd sense of humor. This alone has given me confidence, not only am I happier - but people have been responding more to me as me. Hell, girls are finally paying attention. So for those who might have also somehow tried to adapt as a person to suit others, try just being yourself - it seems to have broken one of the chains holding me back.
Alien. Punk. Future Warner Brothers employee (as soon as slot opens up). Screenwriter.
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