One for the boys

[aj]

I've managed to get a guy I know to meet up with me and a few of his mates in a pub/club place one Friday night, he knows what I'm like and he's going to show me how to talk to women. Try confronting it head on. As I said to him, considering I can't talk to people or make friends normally, if I can do anything much let alone get a phone number, it'll be a miracle. I'm interested in what might happen but I'm absolutely petrified and I'm shaking slightly just thinking about it and writing this. Feels like knowing you have to do a presentation in front of a class at school. I've done a lot but I'm not sure I'll be able to this ::

Any tips or even just clues about what happens? I feel stupid asking this but what do people usually do, do they just tend to give each other phone numbers? Does it occasionally end up with kissing? Or something more!? I guess it's just down to the people and what they feel like? I don't really know anything about it...

 

[userremoved]

Heh, I feel stupid that I don't have the slightest clue how to answer any of those concerns. I'm just as lost, hopefully someone here might have the experience.

 

[klytus]

Women are people, just like you. They go out to have fun. They will talk to you and evaluate your potential to entertain them. Depending on that, they will decide whether to continue the conversation or drop it. Keep in mind that different people have different expectations. Some will find you cool to talk to, many won't. You can't please everyone. Don't get upset if someone rejects you as a human being. It's naturally a part of the process of getting to know people with whom you are both mentally and physically compatible.

Only very seldom does it end with kissing or more. Unless they are extremely drunk, I'd say, or extremely easy. In either case, I would not go down that road that fast. Learn how to communicate properly with half-way sober people. That's a skill that won't just last a night. You can apply communication skills virtually everywhere, hence it's worth learning - that is, the night out won't be waste of time.

Observe other males, preferably those who are successful with women, and see if you can learn something from their behavior. Having other guys with you is a good thing. It can be detrimental, though, if you stick too much to them. Keep in mind, too, that you are an individual being. It's not the group that is there, it's every single person in that group. You have to free yourself from time to time from the safety that the group provides, and talk to someone alone, when a providential situation comes up.

What you definitely should pay attention to is how other people there behave towards you. If they reject you, or accept you. Don't try to read their body language too much, because it can be misleading. A proper sign of interest is the sustainment of the conversation that you are in. Give them a chance to talk, ask questions to make them talk, and if they talk, and seem happy while doing it, that's a certain sign they enjoy the conversation.

At some point, probably after a drink or two (but not more) you may want to dance, provided the environment is of that nature. After a while of talking, don't ask the girl to dance, take her hand, smile, and gently pull her to the dance-floor. Ideally while radiating an aura of confidence. She will immediately understand what this is about and be surprised about your spontaneity. So, to gain that confidence to do that, I'd postpone the dancing to perhaps the fourth or fifth girl you successfully talked to that night. Conversation is still paramount.

 

[mrb]

all you can do is try to relax and have a few drinks to calm your nerves a little , and just listen to the conversation ... if you listen to the conversation try and get into it join in , those people are no better than you, no cleverer than you, the fact your doing this in the first places shows that inside you think you can do this , concentrate on the conversation not your nerves lol

 

[klytus]

all you can do is try to relax and have a few drinks to calm your nerves a little , and just listen to the conversation ... if you listen to the conversation try and get into it join in , those people are no better than you, no cleverer than you, the fact your doing this in the first places shows that inside you think you can do this , concentrate on the conversation not your nerves lol

They are more care-free, which essentially is the decisive difference.

Ah, yes, aj, and learn how to properly end a conversation while keeping future meet-ups open. You don't have to ask for the phone number all the time - in fact, you shouldn't. Just put an end to the conversation, friendly, and go on to the next girl, after taking a short break with your friends. In fact, if you notice that the girl isn't interested in the conversation, or loses her focus on you, interrupt - politely - the conversation and drop her, before she does it to you. That way you protect your ego from rejection.

 

[Phil_i]

Only very seldom does it end with kissing or more. Unless they are extremely drunk, I'd say, or extremely easy. In either case, I would not go down that road that fast. Learn how to communicate properly with half-way sober people. That's a skill that won't just last a night. You can apply communication skills virtually everywhere, hence it's worth learning - that is, the night out won't be waste of time.

So hooking up with a drunk girl would be a waste of time? :S

 

[klytus]

So hooking up with a drunk girl would be a waste of time? :S

Where did I say that? It just wouldn't be of lasting value. And hooking up with a drunk girl can make for an unpleasant experience the next morning, when she wakes up and doubts whether she gave conscious consent or not. And it wouldn't be particularly good for aj's self-esteem to think that only drunk girls "could ever want him".

 

[aj]

Heh heh, it's okay guys, calm down Yeah I had a drunk girl pull me onto the dance floor at the work Christmas party and inside I knew that it meant nothing at all.

I hope I'm not sounding like I don't have respect for women. I don't mean it that way. I know everyone's different. I would have thought that most of the people who go to these places aren't painfully shy, but I'm not going to expect anyone to want to do anything, and it's not like I'm going to be miserable if I don't get to do any more than chat to them.

 

[Why]

goodluck ill root for u

 

[aj]

I'm so scared.

 

[jbeenthere]

The key for me is that if you're not actually having fun then you're not as likely to come across as interesting. So be honest with yourself about how the whole experience makes you feel. If you can have fun with your mates then that is good enough. You can't possible expect to meet someone until you have some level of comfort and it may be hard with all the people and noise and the new environment. give yourself a few times to se if you like hanging out then start thinking of meeting new people in general. then if you see a girl you might want to get to know then work up the courage and go for it. you might strike out a few times but that is part of the process - don't take it as rejection just that that she wasn't the right person for you. Don't think you have to be big stud just because you have friends who can pull that off. Guys who never fear rejection who can go into a place and get any girl they want are very rare and the rest of us are just scared and self-conscious just like the vast majority of women.

 

[jay3503]

The biggest problem is you've got time to think about it. I've always found whenever I do something like that its best to do it spur of the moment so you can't imagine every possible bad scenario.

 

[aj]

I don't know whether I'll like it at all yet. Yes, it does make things easier when you can just get on and do them.

I want to drive because it'll make me more relaxed - no need to worry about getting home. But I'm being told that I have to drink to make going out worthwhile. Is it really going to be a waste of time if I don't? I don't want to

Are there any places people go to meet people without getting drunk?

 

[Elenwen]

^You don't have to drink to make it worthwhile! That's just stupid. A ton of people go out, don't drink, and have an amazing time. If people rag on you for not drinking, tell them you're the designated driver, I know a ton of bars and clubs give free or reduced-cost sodas to designated drivers.