Not wanting to give it up? (Avoid if you dislike long posts)

[afterforever]

If you care enough to look back at one of my first posts here, I talked a lot about not being able to get help with my OCD (mysophobia if you don't care to find my old post) because I went to school out of town, and at the end of the day, there wasn't enough time for it. I said that I'd look for help once I was out of school. I've officially been out for a week, and I have done nothing. I've sat here and pondered as to why that might be. Surely now that I have the opportunity to rid myself of this enormous burden, I'm going to take it, right? Certainly, I'd want to take this disorder that has had a stranglehold on my life for years and rid myself of it once and for all. The problem, and possibly most nonsensical thing is...I don't.

I don't want to let go. This phobia, disorder, whatever you want to call it, has given me a sense of security in a life that sorely needed it. Somehow, locking myself up in this clean, sterile little room, touching things from outside of it only with a pair of latex gloves, and observing all the world through a computer screen in my own safe little oasis leaves me in a state of total serenity; at peace, almost. I'm a rational human being, and I'm aware that the scenario that I just described is no way to live one's life. But if I seek help, what happens to that serene, secure environment? I am absolutely, completely paranoid that when certain people in my home find out, they will "infiltrate" this safe zone, in an attempt to help me, far before I am ready to give it up. 100% paranoid, even if I have no logical reason to believe that that would happen.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm in a really difficult spot right now. I'm at a crossroads. I'm just out of school and I need to start my career...I HAVE to do something. Yet at the same time, I'm unwilling to give up the security this disorder provides, almost like a teddy bear to a young child. I'm just not ready, but at the same time, I have to. I'm in such conflict over this, and the answer SHOULD be obvious (i.e. get help), but I'm not quite ready to let go. What the hell should I do? I'm terrified.

 

[madmike]

I think if you're posting on this site, you're at least recognising that it's a problem and needs to be overcome (as you say, you're a rational human being!). I can totally understand what you mean, sometimes i feel people do me more harm than good, and leave me feeling more lousy than before. But don't be fooled by it, the sense of security you may feel now won't last unless you push yourself into at least some lasting social situations... become a complete recluse and you'll lose the energy to go on for even another minute, because the truth is... we need people!