[not important]

[aloneloner]

I have severely low self esteem and major depression.. and possibly social anxiety disorder (my last therapist, who I only say 3 times, said she thinks it is just severely low self esteem and depression. I was diagnosed with SAD and depression at a hospital i stayed in for 3 weeks)

accepting this means I have been wrong my whole life...people think I'm crazy, people only want to take advantage of me so I need to "protect" myself, I'm never good enough, people are watching me and laughing at me

My thoughts tell me I'm right, but I know my thinking is wrong..I dont know what "right" is

I'm reaching out for help here... but I know you cant help me

overthinking it now, I was complacent a few weeks ago..I just thought about getting better at work, getting all my bills paid and food to eat, mostly I'm thinking about my financial future. Coming from a poor family, I need to get out of this lifestyle, I'm hopeful and confident in my ability to move up, just trying too hard to make it happen.

I was complacent.. happy about where i was, but then I started talking to this girl at work .. I've had girlfriends before and I miss that closeness, I like her, but I feel like I'm never going to be emotionally strong enough to handle any relationship..even just friends.
The belief that I am not good enough vs. the hope that I can be good enough..I know that the former is true, but I dont know if i can fix it.
I always try to be the best I can be, but girls only like the "bad boys". I just want a girl that wants me to be nice to her, I dont want a girl i need to disrespect just to keep her around. I'm sorry if it is disrespectful to say that.. I know its the excitement they are going for, and I'm too boring. How can I be exciting without being disrespectful.

I'm just thinking and typing.. going with the flow of my thoughts, I feel so isolated and this is my only outlet, I need a therapist :kickingmyself:

I can "hear" people judging me right now..I'm alone in my room but I feel like my neighbors are right outside my window just watching me..I think this is caused by the low self esteem.. I mean obviously they think I'm crazy, but rationally I know they aren't outside my window..I have no control of the criticizing voice, its like I'm subconsciously judging myself but I cant stop it, its always there, what if this cant be fixed..how would anyone cope with that?

I know some people like me, my last girlfriend seemed to like me a lot.. which is part of the reason I pushed her away
I didn't want her to have to deal with me and all my issues. I regret that so much, but I liked her a lot and didn't really know how to respond to that..and I don't even know what she liked about me, maybe she was just pretending..it didn't feel like she was pretending tho it has happened before

why am I posting this here..I'm uncomfortable talking about any of this but I feel it needs to get out, I need to get help but have no options right now. Thank you if you read any of this, most people dont even listen to me.:shyness:

I enjoy any replies but I usually dont reply again, I feel too judged :question:

I hope you all are doing well :alone:

 

[PugofCrydee]

Talking to the right ppl definitely helps. Like on this site, we may not be mental health professionals but we do offer genuine acceptance, sympathies and understanding. And when dealing with the things we do, thats huge.

Listening to others experiences also really helps. It lets you know your not alone. There is some really, really good advice on this site from people just like you and I.

But don't discount professional help. It got me through the toughest time in my life. It's helped me accept the conditions I have, who I am and now I'm dealing with my problems in a lot better ways. I really think without the help I received from a very good therapist I was lucky enough to find, I think I would be dead by now.

My advice is to seek professional help and if you don't 'click' or feel comfortable with your therapist then keep looking. They are human, some are better at their job than others.
Also, don't become self defeating by closing your mind off to therapist advice.
They can give you the tools and methods to work on your problems, but it is YOU that must use them. Every day.

 

[Hannalein]

I can "hear" people judging me right now..I'm alone in my room but I feel like my neighbors are right outside my window just watching me..I think this is caused by the low self esteem.. I mean obviously they think I'm crazy, but rationally I know they aren't outside my window..I have no control of the criticizing voice, its like I'm subconsciously judging myself but I cant stop it, its always there, what if this cant be fixed..how would anyone cope with that?

This voice you hear is your "inner critic" & it is indeed horrible to have it. A friend of mine also had to cope with it, and it was really hard on her. Maybe this helps you : https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inner_critic
There are tips how to best deal with it, but nevertheless I would recommend the help of a therapist. It is definitly better to let a professional help than being on your own. And yes, if you need support: we will be there, but some tips & support are not as good (and can't replace) a therapy.