Anonymous
Well-known member
My name is Kylie and I am 18 years old, currently residing on the Sunshine Coast, Australia. I only just found out about social phobia (That it is such a disorder and not just in my head) when I watched Oprah the other day and she had a segment on it. I have been researching it ever since and realised that I have quite a bad case of it.
Ever since I was 11 or so I started having a fear of meeting new people and going places, I never used to really have it and it has since got quite worse. Now, I can't answer a phone call or make a phone call scared of having to actually have a one on one conversation with someone. If I am made to or have a conversation with someone I don't know I will recite the entire conversation in my head for hours afterwards and think about everything I said and how I could have said it better. I criticise myself about even the smallest of things. I blush and get embarrassed when talking to people and I can't sign my name or eat when people are looking at me. I never went to parties in high school and while my friends were off getting drunk and having fun I was sitting at home crying because I didn't know why I felt so anxious about it. I only went to two parties during school and every minute was a battle not to spew on someone! The anxiety was very intense and after it was over I ran over everything I said and did in my head and what the other people thought of me, it was of course all negative which just made me not want to go to another party again. I lost a lot of friends because of it and ended up hating myself and everyone around me. No-one seemed to understand. I had to keep on lying to my friends to make up reasons why I couldn't go out. I still have to do it. If only they understood.
I can't go anywhere by myself or do anything. Even the simplest things such as going to buy milk or getting a haircut is a HUGE deal. I have to have someone with me or have a purpose. I can go pay the bills or buy some groceries if someone has told me to do it, I feel as thought I have a purpose but if I want to go to the store to buy something I simply can't. I feel as if everyone is looking at me. Of course to add insult to injury I ride a motorbike so a girl walking around the shopping centre carrying a huge helmet doesn't help. I don't just imagine it, people are actually staring at me which doesn't help at all and I have to leave. When I am by myself I feel completly relaxed but put me in a situation with people I don't know and I freeze. I hate it. I also have insomnia because of this phobia, I will lie awake for at least 3-4 hours per night thinking about everything I did that day and how many times I made an idiot of myself. I just can't seem to stop thinking. It's costant, I do commentary to people sitting on a parkbench as I walk past to what they are saying about me in their heads! My mind never stops with the negative prattle.
I have told my mum about "Social Phobia and Anxiety" and she just laughed it off. She doesn't understand and it makes me so angry at her and myself. Why can't she take it seriously? She just thinks I'm lazy and don't want to meet people or go places. I really want to get over it because I love to go out. I usually go out on my bike at 11pm or so just so I can go out and not have people around me on the road. I had a boyfriend and even though I tried really hard to go places with him (I had to meet his parents, I almost died) it didn't work out because of my phobia. He thought I didn't like him but it was because he was trying to make me go places and I didn't like it. When I said no he would get angry and thought that I didn't want to be seen in public with him. If only he understood.
I feel as if I am my own worst enemy. Im afraid of counselling because I feel it would be very embarassing to open up to a stranger and have a one on one talk with them, the one thing I am scared of! My mum won't let me go to the doctor anyway because she thinks its just bullshit so I can't get medication. This has ruined my life. The only reason I didn't go to university was because I was afraid of meeting new people and having to be in a classroom full of strangers. I just want to be like other people. They take it all for granted.
Sorry to ramble on but I'm just letting it all out. I have been so angry for so many years. I'm just glad there are people out there that understand. I'd love to hear your stories and ways you think I could get some of my friends and family to understand this isn't a joke. Would love for you guys to sign my tagboard and tell me your situations: www.sadly-beautiful.com
Thanks,
Kylie
Ever since I was 11 or so I started having a fear of meeting new people and going places, I never used to really have it and it has since got quite worse. Now, I can't answer a phone call or make a phone call scared of having to actually have a one on one conversation with someone. If I am made to or have a conversation with someone I don't know I will recite the entire conversation in my head for hours afterwards and think about everything I said and how I could have said it better. I criticise myself about even the smallest of things. I blush and get embarrassed when talking to people and I can't sign my name or eat when people are looking at me. I never went to parties in high school and while my friends were off getting drunk and having fun I was sitting at home crying because I didn't know why I felt so anxious about it. I only went to two parties during school and every minute was a battle not to spew on someone! The anxiety was very intense and after it was over I ran over everything I said and did in my head and what the other people thought of me, it was of course all negative which just made me not want to go to another party again. I lost a lot of friends because of it and ended up hating myself and everyone around me. No-one seemed to understand. I had to keep on lying to my friends to make up reasons why I couldn't go out. I still have to do it. If only they understood.
I can't go anywhere by myself or do anything. Even the simplest things such as going to buy milk or getting a haircut is a HUGE deal. I have to have someone with me or have a purpose. I can go pay the bills or buy some groceries if someone has told me to do it, I feel as thought I have a purpose but if I want to go to the store to buy something I simply can't. I feel as if everyone is looking at me. Of course to add insult to injury I ride a motorbike so a girl walking around the shopping centre carrying a huge helmet doesn't help. I don't just imagine it, people are actually staring at me which doesn't help at all and I have to leave. When I am by myself I feel completly relaxed but put me in a situation with people I don't know and I freeze. I hate it. I also have insomnia because of this phobia, I will lie awake for at least 3-4 hours per night thinking about everything I did that day and how many times I made an idiot of myself. I just can't seem to stop thinking. It's costant, I do commentary to people sitting on a parkbench as I walk past to what they are saying about me in their heads! My mind never stops with the negative prattle.
I have told my mum about "Social Phobia and Anxiety" and she just laughed it off. She doesn't understand and it makes me so angry at her and myself. Why can't she take it seriously? She just thinks I'm lazy and don't want to meet people or go places. I really want to get over it because I love to go out. I usually go out on my bike at 11pm or so just so I can go out and not have people around me on the road. I had a boyfriend and even though I tried really hard to go places with him (I had to meet his parents, I almost died) it didn't work out because of my phobia. He thought I didn't like him but it was because he was trying to make me go places and I didn't like it. When I said no he would get angry and thought that I didn't want to be seen in public with him. If only he understood.
I feel as if I am my own worst enemy. Im afraid of counselling because I feel it would be very embarassing to open up to a stranger and have a one on one talk with them, the one thing I am scared of! My mum won't let me go to the doctor anyway because she thinks its just bullshit so I can't get medication. This has ruined my life. The only reason I didn't go to university was because I was afraid of meeting new people and having to be in a classroom full of strangers. I just want to be like other people. They take it all for granted.
Sorry to ramble on but I'm just letting it all out. I have been so angry for so many years. I'm just glad there are people out there that understand. I'd love to hear your stories and ways you think I could get some of my friends and family to understand this isn't a joke. Would love for you guys to sign my tagboard and tell me your situations: www.sadly-beautiful.com
Thanks,
Kylie