No-one Understands

[Anonymous]

My name is Kylie and I am 18 years old, currently residing on the Sunshine Coast, Australia. I only just found out about social phobia (That it is such a disorder and not just in my head) when I watched Oprah the other day and she had a segment on it. I have been researching it ever since and realised that I have quite a bad case of it.

Ever since I was 11 or so I started having a fear of meeting new people and going places, I never used to really have it and it has since got quite worse. Now, I can't answer a phone call or make a phone call scared of having to actually have a one on one conversation with someone. If I am made to or have a conversation with someone I don't know I will recite the entire conversation in my head for hours afterwards and think about everything I said and how I could have said it better. I criticise myself about even the smallest of things. I blush and get embarrassed when talking to people and I can't sign my name or eat when people are looking at me. I never went to parties in high school and while my friends were off getting drunk and having fun I was sitting at home crying because I didn't know why I felt so anxious about it. I only went to two parties during school and every minute was a battle not to spew on someone! The anxiety was very intense and after it was over I ran over everything I said and did in my head and what the other people thought of me, it was of course all negative which just made me not want to go to another party again. I lost a lot of friends because of it and ended up hating myself and everyone around me. No-one seemed to understand. I had to keep on lying to my friends to make up reasons why I couldn't go out. I still have to do it. If only they understood.

I can't go anywhere by myself or do anything. Even the simplest things such as going to buy milk or getting a haircut is a HUGE deal. I have to have someone with me or have a purpose. I can go pay the bills or buy some groceries if someone has told me to do it, I feel as thought I have a purpose but if I want to go to the store to buy something I simply can't. I feel as if everyone is looking at me. Of course to add insult to injury I ride a motorbike so a girl walking around the shopping centre carrying a huge helmet doesn't help. I don't just imagine it, people are actually staring at me which doesn't help at all and I have to leave. When I am by myself I feel completly relaxed but put me in a situation with people I don't know and I freeze. I hate it. I also have insomnia because of this phobia, I will lie awake for at least 3-4 hours per night thinking about everything I did that day and how many times I made an idiot of myself. I just can't seem to stop thinking. It's costant, I do commentary to people sitting on a parkbench as I walk past to what they are saying about me in their heads! My mind never stops with the negative prattle.

I have told my mum about "Social Phobia and Anxiety" and she just laughed it off. She doesn't understand and it makes me so angry at her and myself. Why can't she take it seriously? She just thinks I'm lazy and don't want to meet people or go places. I really want to get over it because I love to go out. I usually go out on my bike at 11pm or so just so I can go out and not have people around me on the road. I had a boyfriend and even though I tried really hard to go places with him (I had to meet his parents, I almost died) it didn't work out because of my phobia. He thought I didn't like him but it was because he was trying to make me go places and I didn't like it. When I said no he would get angry and thought that I didn't want to be seen in public with him. If only he understood.

I feel as if I am my own worst enemy. Im afraid of counselling because I feel it would be very embarassing to open up to a stranger and have a one on one talk with them, the one thing I am scared of! My mum won't let me go to the doctor anyway because she thinks its just bullshit so I can't get medication. This has ruined my life. The only reason I didn't go to university was because I was afraid of meeting new people and having to be in a classroom full of strangers. I just want to be like other people. They take it all for granted.

Sorry to ramble on but I'm just letting it all out. I have been so angry for so many years. I'm just glad there are people out there that understand. I'd love to hear your stories and ways you think I could get some of my friends and family to understand this isn't a joke. Would love for you guys to sign my tagboard and tell me your situations: www.sadly-beautiful.com

Thanks,
Kylie

 

[shep]

Have you given any thought to showing your mother and your boyfriend this site? Unless they read or see something "official" regarding this condition, they may not have the chance to understand or to at least see that this is a real problem. I believe everyone here can relate to what you say and the feelings you express. Welcome to this site and I hope you find some help here.

 

[Tris]

Just wanted to say hi and that i feel you. it really sucks that alot of people dont understand, i told a couple of my friends and of course my mom. My mom thinks im just shy and will grow out of it and im sure thats what your mother thinks too. most of my family think im gay because im 20 and have never had a boyfriend (nothing wrong with being gay, im just not) i was reading your post and you said something about getting a hair cut, ive never gone to get a haircut at a salon or anything i make my mom do it. Maybe you should print out the symtoms of SP and highlight the ones that apply to you, show your mother and see what she says, tell her you just want to ask your doctor see what they think.
I work at a telephone answering service, i blush all the time when im talking to people and they are not even face to face with me. I blush for no reason sometimes and i think thats one of my biggest problems.
I never went to parties in school, i even droped out because of it, big mistake! but yeah i think you should def make a list, make her know your serious, you need help and need her to atleast try to understand.
Hope everything goes well...Luck!

 

[Quarkz]

Well I finally got my mum to understand. She is actually taking it seriously now. She wants to start me on herbal remedys before I go onto drugs or therapy. I'm on some crap (for real, it nearly makes you vomit) called 'Valerian' I have to take it 3 times a day, I feel much more calmer but I don't think it's going to help with the social anxiety. Wish me luck people.

 

[FruitLooPs]

Sorry maybe slightly off topic, but on the whole herbal remedys I found that St John's Wort helped quite alot when I got depressed over my SP and during stressful times etc. I don't think it really relieves anxiety itself though.

As for going to see somebody about it, I was pretty worried about it but personally I found it easier to tell someone I didn't know about my problems. Although my family were always supportive which I'm very thankful of.

Good to hear your mum is taking it seriously now, always a good thing

 

[Anonymous]

I have given up expecting people to understand instead I try to educate them. I only do this with those who seem to really want to help me I am not sure we should expect others to understand often I cannot understand SP myself so how is a none suffer supposed to? All the same if you have real friends they will have a interest in your welfare. I gave up on my family a long time ago its easier to just avoid them as much as possible.

 

[Sempfy]

You jes summed up my life. Especially the party thing and the "trying not to spew", I only went to 2 or 3 parties an high school aswell, none since then. I haven't told my parents about this yet, I'm still tossing up whether I should or not, coz I know they won't understand and probably jes tell me something like "it's coz you sit in your room all the time" blah blah, which I don't need right now. I found a really great website that explains SP in pretty good detail, so I think I'm jes gonna direct them to that and see what they say. Like I said in my own thread, I've finally worked up the courage to get help, after many many years of putting up with this. Been seeing a psych for 3 weeks now. It was so relieving to find that I wasn't the only one who felt like this, at least I don't feel so alone now .

 

[megt]

agreed

I am with semfy. You summed up my whole life. I too only went to 2 parties last year, my Year 12 year. And boy was I ostracised for it. It obviously caused my friends great aggrevation. New Years was a challenge, everyone looking at you, scrutinising you.

My Mum doesn't understand I believe because it's an inconvenience to her, she dismisses any discussion as my negative attitude. I have battled with the SP for a long time, and my Dad being a cleaner, for me, makes it 10 times worse and I just know people look down on me because of it.

Going shopping is also a painful experience, especially living in a town, everyone knows who you are. Getting a haircut is so uncomfortable, the hairdresser ask questions about me which is excruciating as I have to reveal my boring life.

I too do not go walking/riding until it's dark! I'm not alone!

I'm glad you shared your story quarkz.

I'd glad to add anyone in a similar situation on MSN.

 

[Horatio]

Re: agreed

Getting a haircut is so uncomfortable, the hairdresser ask questions about me which is excruciating as I have to reveal my boring life.

same here! I cant stand going to the hairdresser, in fact I havent had my hair cut for a year and it looks rediculas all because of my SP - on the upside Ive probably saved a lot of money by not getting my haircut every month

 

[cody2468]

You sound alot like me, I'm glad that your mother is taking you seriously now, alot of people don't realise that there is such a thing as social anxiety but if you need to show her all the symptons of SA. I jave nearly al of them.

Me personally I am not on medication, it's just a personal choice I don't like medication for any reason at all even when I'm sick. All it does is helps ease the anxiety and makes coping with the anxiety abit easier but it wont help you to overcome the anxiety completly. The only way to do that is to change yourself one little step at a time.

As you have mentioned you have got very low self esteem and alot of negative thinking which is normal when you have got SA. Thats one of the first things you need to start working on, beating the negative thinking is a big challenge in itself as it is really hard to stop. I used to go to bed really tired but couldn't sleep as my mind was going non stop about how I said something and felt really embarrassed or that I had done something wrong. I used to always replay things over in my mind or even practice what I was going to say the next day, only to find out that I was just wasting my time as things don't work out the way you think they will.

I tried counselling last year and am planning on going back this year as I have lost 23 years to this SA and its time to get my life back. At first (the first one or two times) I felt very uncomfortable admitting to another person that I have got a mental illness and that I am not coping with life, but once I realised that they were there to help me I felt better. I couldn't even bring myself to tell them that I had no friends and never had a boyfriend, this question was asked and I tried to avoid it as I thought he was going to think that I was strange or something.

I used to have severe depression as well but I found a support group for that which I found to be very helpful, I can manage my depression now but am thinking on going back to that group again as I can use it to help me with my SA, especially as they have socail functions each month which is something I need alot of help with.

Also as you are 18 you are able to find your own Dr if your mum wont let you go, after all it is your life and it's better if you can get help now while you are still young than waste alot of time like I have.

Good luck, hope you get the help you need

 

[AberGirl]

Hi, I'm not Australian but I was browsing through here and wanted to tell you I totally identify with you. My phobia is slowly getting better (thank god) and was always more about the eating part of things and "trying not to spew" - like you! I couldn't go anywhere with people around cos I was so scared I'd throw up. Restaurants are still my worst nightmare and I hate not having an escape route like a door leading outside or nearby toilets. I also get anxiety attacks where I feel like I can't go on and just want to escape my thoughts and feelings, has anyone else had that?

Like you, my mum didn't, and still doesn't, understand. She thinks I need to ignore it and it'll go away but I found that finding stuff out about the condition helped me realise other people felt this way and it wasn't just me, so I felt less like a freak reading about other people experiencing my symptoms.

Good luck to you, and feel free to contact me anytime if you want a chat xx

 

[silverwolf]

it's true no one understands ignorant people who have always enjoyed themselves and had everything fall into their lap really annoy me. Forget these idiots you have to help yourself bcos you are the only one that can help yourself and you can do it. Anyway good to hear your getting better bcos I've never felt pain like this before in my life.

 

[sophieshy]

social phobia

hey i'm sophie im 15 &
i think i have social phobia
and it's kinda ruining my life, i go to school and i dread lessons because of the fear of the teacher asking me to read aloud or answer a simple question.
i had a stammer when i was six, its not as bad now but when im nervous i cant get my words out. i've had a few bad experiences in school already, my old english teacher would go round the class asking everyone to read out aloud, when it got to my go, i completly freaked out and froze, i tried to read it but i just stammerd. and it diddnt help with everyone staring at me .
sometimes i can read without a problem, but i get so nervous i start sweating and go red. my friends dont understand either there like 'what was wrong with you in english?'
it's not only reading aloud i hate, i hate it when the teacher has to take a register of our names, but instead of passing a piece of paper round the class, she would go round the class asking for our names, i just freeze and i can say my first name without a problem but i freeze for like 30 seconds untill i get out my surname. everyone stares at me like im a freak.

ordering food at a reastaraunt is hell for me, i normally tell my mum what i want so i dont have to orally say it to the waitress.
i'm having a big problem at the moment with making phone calls, answering phones, i cant get any words out. or if my nan rings and asks for my mum, i cant ansewr simple questions she would ask me.
even if its my auntie ringing the house phone i pray that she dosent want to speak to me.
i dont think my family know, my mum knows a have a stammer, and dont like talking on the phone, but how do i tell her about this whole social phobia?

i'm worrying about how im gonna get a job (the job interview!!!), how im gonna get my own house without making a phone call? i cant avoid making a phone call all my life and dread school because of reading aloud

has anyone got the same problems as me?
thanks
sophie x

 

[dwn10w]

people cant tell that we are shy or socio phob

its hard to let people know dat we r shy or that we have a socia phob because they cannot understand it. they cannot hear how fast our heart beats, how nervous we get, when d blush sets in or when theres this big lump in your throat. d truth is, people could care less if we r shy or socia phob. all they care about is how comfortable they r with u. if u maintain yourself as an approachable person, then they will feel compy, but if u act all nervous and anxious, then u end up making them uncomfortable. so d dilema here is, how can u make yourself feel more comfortable around other people. the answer is, it takes alot of practise. go out and talk to sales assistants, not d snobbish looking ones though

 

[dr_nick]

its really hard

sweety if u wanna talk please contact me at [email protected] share the same problem

nick

 

[HolziWolziWoo]

Omg, I actually cried when I read this because I never knew someone felt the same as I did. Im only 15 but everything in my life is so scary and the smallest things are such a big deal. No-one understands, and I'm too embarrased to talk about it properly. My mum had anxiety problems when she was younger but this is not just anxiety because it affects my life so much. I miss out on opportunities because of it. I have got work experience next week and im so scared. Im working at a nursery and I have to read stories to them and im scared of doing it. They are 3 years old! HATE this so much. Im too scared to go to a councilor. I'm so dependent on others and worried about my future. Need help ::

 

[Fear of people]

Yes" I for one "totally understand what you are going through as well. I also suffer from this dreaded form of anxiety... and I know how hard it can be just to walk outside of your house to collect the mail from your letterbox or take the garbage bin out to the front of your yard... in the fear of your neighbours seeing you and being so terrified that your neighbour may walk over to you and start a conversation with you... because you fear as though you are going to make a fool of yourself in what you are going to say to your neighbour.

I have a intense fear of my neighbours as well... and I try to avoid them at all costs. For me even hanging the clothes out on the line in my own back yard is a stressful experience for me... as I think to myself that the neighbours who live at the back of my house are staring through the window at me or looking over the fence...but to me it feels real enough even though they are not.

I even go to extreme measures before I collect the mail out of the letterbox or bring down the garbage bin...I will make sure that I get changed into something nice before I carry out these tasks...just so the neighbours will not think that I dress up like a dag.

I do not enjoy going shopping either...because everytime that I do...to me it feels as though everybody is staring at me and judging me at the same time due to my appearance.

This phobia does ruin your life in the end because you end up becoming house bound and it stops you from enjoying life to the fullest and getting ahead in life as well... and eventually you end up with no friends to speak of because of this life ruining phobia of mine.

You are right...most people do not understand what we are going through because they themselves do not suffer from this disorder and they take life for granted...but people who suffer from social phobia like us... do not have that luxury what so ever.

written by Fear of People

 

[no1]

haha. no one understands, yea that sounds like me. and I don't understand.

IT SEEMS.

*shrinks image down to nothingness*

 

[OverIt]

I'm so glad I found this site... I knew there were people out there in the same situation but reading specific details like "I'm afraid of going to the hairdressers" really helped - because that's one of the things I'm afraid of... it's so stupid! I'm 18 atm and I've basically drifted from my closest friends because I'm too afraid to go out. It's only getting worse, although I do have good days. Like the time I spent an entire day at a busy shopping center, haha. I felt as though everyone was watching me the entire day though.

I'm always imaging what my life would be like if I wasn't so anxious - it'd be OK I reckon. It's just hard making it a reality.

The annoying thing is that the people I'm comfortable with would never guess I had anxiety issues - but whenever I'm in an unfamiliar situation I get really awkward. Like now for example, my sister has a friend over, I haven't left my room since they got here. It's so f**cking stupid! I don't want to live like this. People that I'm comfortable with find me funny, friendly etc but I have trouble displaying that to people I've just met or haven't interacted with before. I'm starting uni next year so I'm hoping to get over this soon. I'm already freaking out because someone I know had to stand up and do the whole "introduce yourself to the class" thing.

Anyway, I'll shut up now. It felt good to get that off my chest though. I've never spoken to anyone about it online or real life.

 

[[email protected]]

U are not that different from the rest of the world..its just they don't admit it. There is nothing wrong with you...you just think and feel outwardly.

I hate how we have to fit into some kinda mould to be so called "normal"

I also hate the fact that those that care seem to hurt so much....be confident you matter and are so important to the world, I was reminded earlier by a whipper snapper a quote from Ghandi... " be the change you want to see in the world"