No one knows me

[nesh]

Everywhere I go, people I know or once knew, have started to avoid me in the same way that I avoid them. They hide under their umbrellas or pretend not to see me, I'm too much trouble, they'd need to have a conversation with me which is difficult because I'm so uncooperative and avoidant, if they did stop and talk to me the sooner I could get away the better. I suppose I have got what I wanted, I no longer have to worry about avoiding people because they do it for me! The thing is I've never wanted to avoid people, it is a coping mechanism for my crippling social anxiety. I've definitely made my bed, but I would rather not lie in it, or the one I had before. I feel so incapable, so out of control of my life. Life is so sad and lonely if you can't have fun with other people, have a laugh, a cuddle, a conversation, an argument, make up, play a game.

No one knows me. I've cut myself of from everyone in my life who ever knew me and cared. I haven't given the opportunity for anyone new to get close to me. I feel so alone. I don't know how to let them in. I've been on my own for so long without having a real friendship with anyone that I've forgotten who I am, how to be. I can't even be in the same room with my family without feeling uncomfortable.

I feel like a disfigured beast hiding in the shadows of the night where no one will see me.

I can't even be comfortable in places where no communication is required, it's no longer 'social' anxiety it's 'living' anxiety. Standing on a platform waiting for a train, or sitting on a train (I have to stand in the doorway away from everyone else), or sitting in class (I dropped out of Uni for the 3rd time this week), or... In any situation if anyone coughs I suddenly think they're coughing at me, I must smell, I must be breathing heavily or have something stuck in my throat, they're indirectly pointing something out to me. I'm constantly on edge, endlessly scanning to make sure my negative irrational thoughts of myself are being pounded deep deep down into my belief system. I even feel uncomfortable in my own room! Yes I feel inhibited in the only safe place I have in this world, my room. The walls are paper thin and so I worry I might be making too much noise when I type or play computer games, so I hardly do it.

I now understand why people are religious and believe in Heaven because this is Hell! Life is suffering. We can only dream that there will be something better than this when we're gone. Dreams will keep us going. Somehow though I see through religion, I could become religious if only for a way of life, a set of rules and a path to follow, but that would be a cop out.

Oh I'm so lost.

 

[phoenix1]

Hi Nesh,

I know exactly how you feel. It feels like I've could have written those words my self at certain points in my life, except probably not as eloquently.

I was the most terrified, scared, shy person I've ever met. My own family scared the shit out of me many times. I always thought that one day I would suddenly break out of my shell and lo and behold everything would be fine and I do all those things that other people do together. I even planned a day, Dec 31, 1999. It failed so miserably..I failed so miserably that I thought I was lost beyond help.

It takes time, but you can change. You do have a lot to offer other people in this messed up world. You seem incredibly bright and insightful. Take things one step at a time and slowly try to come back to the world. I've learned, its not about forcefully coming back out of need, its about letting go and allowing yourself to be a part of the world again. Smile at that person in the train station, say hi as you walk by an old friend. Dont think about the ramifications, just let go and allow yourself to breathe in the world once in a while. You have to give up control in order to get back in control of your life.

I know what you mean by religion as well. I feel the same way. How much easier life would be if we could use it as a crutch through life. You sound like me, where the only thing consistent through the years is my pride and my identity. Sometimes I wonder how much of my problems stem from the fight against losing my identity and becoming just another sheep in this world.

 

[recluse]

Hi. I feel exactly the same way, and i don't know what to do either. I have trouble maintaining friendships so i stopped bothering trying to make friends.

 

[nesh]

Thanks for empathizing guys, I wasn't expecting anyone to answer. I think I had an insightful day the other day, normally my thoughts are muddled and irrational and I can't tell what is going on inside me, but I somehow managed to express how I was feeling for once.

I admire you for keeping your pride phoenix, that is something to be proud of in itself. I guess it's down to acceptance, you accept who you are so you can be proud and confident in yourself. I have lost all confidence in myself. It's as if I rely on other people for my own self worth, and I hardly talk to anyone these days so my confidence is rock bottom. A simple stare from someone in the street can ruin me, shatter the small amount of confidence I may have and send me into panic mode. When this happens I know it's not them who are judging me, or maybe they are, most definitely they are, but ultimately it is the thought's that I create about what they might be thinking about me that tears me apart, it's my own judgments of myself ...I'm my own worst enemy.

I worry about the ramifications of everything, that is the whole problem. I get so anxious anticipating, even about things that might not even happen can set me off. If I see someone on TV giving a speech I'll think to myself what if I was in his place and had to do that, and I'll start worrying. It's so bad! I'm so emotional lately. I never used to be this bad. Before it was just social anxiety, now it seems to be irrational anxiety about anything and everything. Worrying about the fact that I don't have any friends, worrying about not having existing relationships with people I know, worrying about being ugly, worrying about my health, worrying about what to do with my future, worrying that I might be stupid... I don't know whether to put it down to the antidepressants that I took for 3 years or what? Are all the anxieties that I've suppressed over the years coming out now, 9 months on? I also stopped smoking 5 months ago so that's even more anxiety on its own. I don't know... I am feeling anxious right now and shouldn't be, I'm in my room listening to music and typing, how can that be stressful???