No Man's Land (maybe a journal?)

[R3K]

tennis, i'm like 8 years old and learning my second sport (maybe the third if you're counting tentative t-ball practice with dad using those soft spongey kiddie baseballs). anyway, trying to figure out if i'm good at this new sport, surrounded by a dozen other kids who are only there cause their mommies are forcing them to do it. i'm fairly confident cause i'm decent at soccer: i can juggle the ball in the air 10 times before i lose control! might be exagerating there, it was 26 years ago cut me some slack .

anyway, i'm progressing through several lesson sessions and doing alright. the instructor says swing your arm like a gate, keep it straight, this is a forehand, this is a backhand, stand here, move your feet into position before you swing... blah blah, it's all a little too technical for my taste but i begin to get better at this stuff, though i struggle with serving; go figure, trouble initiating something.

years go by and i'm actually pretty good. end up replacing my uncordinated cousin in a tournament his overzealous mom signed him up for, probably because she was envious my mom (they're twins) had a son who was at least average at tennis. manage last place out of 5 total players, but i fought hard and came close to winning each match. all the other kids had those expensive tennis bags that are shaped like a tennis raquet with multiple compartments: i didn't even have a simple racquet cover ::.

i don't remember at what point in my tennis life it was, but one of my instructors/coaches dropped a bomb of an expression on me that, as i would repeatedly find out during my life, would come to define me in many ways. "You want to be either all the way up to the net to volley the ball back before it can bounce, or all the way back at the base-line so you can hit the ball after it bounces. if you're in the middle you can't hit the ball cause it's bouncing at your feet - you don't want to be here,

this is no man's land...​

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[R3K]

today's musings:

without soccer, tennis and other sports i'd be a thin coat of dust on the shell of another man. who'd have thought though, that my only vein of coping and escape from chronic anxiety attacks throughout boyhood would spawn a deeper, possibly more debilitating condition/thing.

i get envious and angry everytime i see a couple together, instantly imagining myself being way better than the guy. it's man's competitive nature to always imagine he can do better than another man at something, but for me it has (mentally) gone too far. i can't stand helping cuddly customer couples at my work. get depressed afterward.

i constantly strive to outperform other men and look better than they. isn't that why you play sports? to look good. to be spectated upon by the enthusiasts sitting in the bleechers? when i'd lose the ball in soccer, this adrenaline rush would surge through my body, fueled by embarassment at having failed in front of spectators/coaches/teammates. i'd fly into 6th gear and fight to get the ball back.

this sometimes works in sports. i was quite good at stealing the ball from opposing players in soccer. but everything else? college? grades? releationships?

--i can't even get a footing in those categories. leaves me burried and confounded with failures and promises of future failure. my competitive nature is completely stiffled, coming out in the form of bitter anger and spite toward people who have succeeded in those areas.

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[R3K]

recently:

i've gotten a new job and moved in with a friend in LA (i was in the OC). he kept coercing me, he's the executive chef at this restaraunt, and used to getting what he wants. finally convinced me to become a server there, he knows about my anxiety and kept telling me i'd be the best server there and i'd be way better than everyone else.

i closed my eyes and went for it, this continuing urge to out-perform others so i could look good driving me into it. i dodged some residual anxiety by not telling anyone but one other close friend so i could consentrate on this momentous transition.

first day on the job, i'm surrounded by mexicans (i'm a quarter btw,) and i'm feeling extremely the outcast attempting to siddle into their established work clique. i must have sweat eight times my body weight that day.

struggling through each day at this new job, but i'm maintaining. worst thing: the early parts of each night's dreams. i see the residents' hands (it's a retirement community (quite upscale too)) waving against the insides of my eyelids, beckoning me for this or that, refills on their drinks, status on their orders, my feet running ahead of my mind to keep up with it.

THEN i shake my head literally, eyes opening and realizing it's just a mini dream.

that i'm not truly asleep, and am losing rest with this anxiety invasion of my REM sleep period.

more anxiety because of this.

 

[R3K]

sucking water between my teeth because i have a debilitating toothache brought on by grinding and neck muscle tension, according to my new dentist. i was finally getting settled at this new job waitering for seniors, but now this - making everything more difficult and stressful. cute 22 year old girl at work acting flirty - but probably just acting - making me conceive fanciful thoughts. meanwhile my neck, jaw and half the teeth in my mouth radiate this constant, spiking pain that's only abated by cold water...

that i have to swish with every 2 minutes to combat it.

sleeping means lying in a contorted position or other, fighting the configuration of my pillows and wondering how/when i'm gonna wash the mass of dirty clothes on my floor. neck position, heart-rate, amount of head elevation, background music choice. am i going to have enough energy at work tomorrow? can i carry a tray with 5 plates on it? am i going to look incompetent to my coworkers/bosses? how much coffee am i going to have to drink?

should i go to the urgent care place and try to get a morphine shot? is the temporary pain releif worth a couple hundred dollars? can i survive another work week while i wait for my next dental appointment? can i keep in the game with this flirty chick at work who seems none-at-all perurbed about two guys fighting for her attention? will i drink 3 shots of kettle-1 to help me sleep tonight? why didn't the 400mg of ibuprophine even make a dent in the toothache pain?