Newbee and this is my story...

[J_me]

My name is Jamie and this is my story…

Approximately half of the people suffering from social phobia are concurrently suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder. I am one of these people. This makes me introverted and exceptionally shy. Where ever I am, I’m afraid I will say something inappropriate and look stupid, when I am unable to answer a question that someone puts towards me. I get into a frozen mode and my mind betrays me. My mind goes blank and I have no idea of what was just said. When I try to remember my train of thoughts, I can’t. I don’t even remember the topic. It makes me feel so dumb and stupid.

I know they are just criticising me, in their minds. If I am being addressed by someone, my mind takes over and echoes “OMG there talking to me, OMG I don’t know what they are saying”. I get preoccupied with getting rejected or criticised in social situations. I can’t hear them talking and the words are jumbled. I don’t want to tell them that I don’t understand because I am afraid I will just look stupid and weird. I feel like a fool. I react as I would think they want me to, by laughing at the right time and using no verbal cues such as nods every few seconds. While all the time I have no idea of what is said or what is going on. My mind just yells at me and says things like oh you’re a looser, weird and how worthless I am. I berate myself every time I think I have messed up. I call myself stupid, dumb, weird and idiot. After an episode where I have messed up my mind echoes, how stupid can u be? My mind yelling at me is something I’m not very sure if other people share. I don’t hear voices, just my mind thinking WAY OUT LOUD. I’m not very nice to myself sometimes.

Avoidant personality disorder causes me to be totally withdrawn. I have such feelings of inadequacy that I can’t socialise very well. I view myself as socially inept. I find myself to be physically unappealing to others. I believe I am inferior to others. I have low self image and project my thoughts of negatively on others and poor image on others. I assume they think the worse. I don’t like the fact I am alone and I am desperate to be liked by somebody. But my low self esteem and oversensitivity and fear of rejections keeps me from this. I am extremely sensitive to criticism. When I think someone is unhappy with my performance, I fall apart. I just can’t take it face to face. I just want to leave and never come back. I worry to excess about my performance. I think this makes me a perfection that never achieves perfection. I think they think that I am really stupid. When I work I have unbelievable amount of anxiety related to my performance and being judged. I am afraid of the people I work with. I am scared of social situations and avoid them out of fear of being embarrassed. I avoid social situations because of social discomfort. This leads to social withdrawal. I dislike being watched while working due to the discomfort of being judged. I ponder a lot as to how long I will be able to function with this condition.

I use to be an extrovert and use to relate to people really well. I can’t do the things I use to because of this illness. Now I actively avoid social situations and fear people.

The medical science career I choose is because I know it is a job where I can work by myself. I tend to work night shift where I know its just me in the lab. It requires limited interaction with people. I do this because of fears of criticism and my socially awkwardness. Job evaluations are something I try to avoid at all cost, out of fear of being heavily criticised. I’m afraid they might not like something I am doing. If I did get a negative evaluation, I would beat myself up about it for months. Anxiety attacks are strong on those days.

I sometimes fear telling people about myself as they might use it against me in the future. I feel that people let me down and that I can’t rely on anyone. I want to be accepted by people but I’m having trouble with even trying anymore. I spend my life as an insider looking in. I always felt I want to be in but I’m afraid of getting there….

Hope you guys can relate

 

[J_me]

Just an update to my previous post. I encourage people to talk about their stories and feelings. I think a site like this would be great to share our stories and learn more about our conditions and perhaps some of the strategies we use to help us....

 

[crestfallen.]

I can relate to a lot of what you've said in your original post. Fear of saying dumb and being ridiculed has kept me from being comfortable enough to participate in conversations. Many times, I feel like I'm fighting myself to get the words out, but that fight is so time-consuming that once I've summoned the will to speak, the topic's moved on without me...so the cycle starts again. I tend to get very angry at myself whenever I find myself in conversation only to deconstruct it afterwards and notice that I could've thought of something else to say and/or used a different tone of voice. As a result of my frustration, I get even more discouraged and withdraw further...not to mention that I'm trapped in b/w loneliness and the awareness that I lack the social skills and self-confidence to seek friendships.

You're certainly not alone in how you feel

 

[J_me]

Yep, thats exackly how I feel and exackly how I think. Its good to see that there are other people out there like me

 

[PennyLane]

I can relate to a lot of what you've said in your original post. Fear of saying dumb and being ridiculed has kept me from being comfortable enough to participate in conversations. Many times, I feel like I'm fighting myself to get the words out, but that fight is so time-consuming that once I've summoned the will to speak, the topic's moved on without me...so the cycle starts again. I tend to get very angry at myself whenever I find myself in conversation only to deconstruct it afterwards and notice that I could've thought of something else to say and/or used a different tone of voice. As a result of my frustration, I get even more discouraged and withdraw further...not to mention that I'm trapped in b/w loneliness and the awareness that I lack the social skills and self-confidence to seek friendships.

You're certainly not alone in how you feel

I do exactly the same thing. I had to talk yesterday in a uni class and since then I have not stopped thinking about what I said and dissecting it. I dont know if im right but i feel like I always say the wrong thing and everyone is thinking that!

Seems easier not to talk...less worry afterwards even if people do think im cold.

 

[dooby-duck]

I can relate to a lot of what you've said in your original post. Fear of saying dumb and being ridiculed has kept me from being comfortable enough to participate in conversations. Many times, I feel like I'm fighting myself to get the words out, but that fight is so time-consuming that once I've summoned the will to speak, the topic's moved on without me...so the cycle starts again. I tend to get very angry at myself whenever I find myself in conversation only to deconstruct it afterwards and notice that I could've thought of something else to say and/or used a different tone of voice. As a result of my frustration, I get even more discouraged and withdraw further...not to mention that I'm trapped in b/w loneliness and the awareness that I lack the social skills and self-confidence to seek friendships.

You're certainly not alone in how you feel

I could have written the same. That is exactly how it is. The deconstruction is what I find the most frustrating as it can go on for hours, and in some cases reoccur over years. It's like my brain is running away and I can't stop it.