melbell
Member
My name is melanie and i was just recently diagnosed with OCD 3 months ago, more specifically pure O. I have been dealing with OCD all my life, but the most difficult times were in my teens, around age 15. As a child i used to tell myself if i didnt do things in a certain way (like if i didnt clean my room in exactly 3 minutes, or make 5 baskets in a row in the basketball hoop) my mom was going to die. I would keep doing the act until i did it right, but i would feel uneasy if i didnt do it the first time. These rituals went away as i got older and i didnt think much of them until recently. When i turned 15, my health class at school had a guest speaker; a man who had contracted HIV. He talked to us about the dangers of the disease, how its passed and showed us all the pills he has to take. That is when my ocd turned for the worst.
I started thinking i had gotten HIV from guys i had kissed and done things with, and i was utterly terrified. For TWO YEARS i cried myself to sleep, researched daily all the signs of having HIV, how to contract it and so on. I thought about it when i went to sleep and it was the first thing on my mind when i woke up. It consumed me everyday. I told my mom about my concerns and she told me i had nothing to worry about. that is what everyone told me, but i just couldnt let it go, i was CONVINCED i had HIV, i was going to spread it to my family and friends and that i would never get married and have children. The anxiety i felt thinking about taking a test and waiting a week for the results was so bad, that i could never get the courage to go get tested. I finally got the courage to get tested when i turned 17. My motivation was my boyfriend whom i cared for dearly, but i couldnt even kiss him without thinking i was going to give him HIV so i just had to know the truth. I found a local clinic that performed rapid HIV testing so i would get my results in 20 minutes.
I got tested, and it was NEGATIVE!!! I was so happy and relieved i just couldnt beleive i had worried for so long for nothing. Things were great after that. I accepted my results and graduated highschool, went on to college and lived a normal happy life. Sometimes i would think about HIV and have some bouts of worrying, researching online and anxiety. I even convinced myself i had herpes even though i physically had no symptoms. I saw an add on tv and started worrying i had it. I called hotlines and asked questions, read up on herpes on the internet and got so scared that i had my mom make me an appointment with my doctor to get a herpes test. A week later it came back negative and i felt better. For some reason i then started thinking that the needle the doctor used to take my blood might have been infected with HIV and then i started worrying about that again.
I have battled with these thoughts about having HIV for 7 years now. It was manageable for the last 5 years since i got tested, but this last year it has gotten so bad that i think i have contracted HIV through scientifically impossible means. I went and had another rapid HIV test done in september and it was negative. I thought it would be over. i felt happy. but when i got home to my apartmen. not even 30 minutes after my results, i started doubting them. I began googling the reliability of rapid HIV tests, and was convinced that i had it but the test didnt pick it up. My sadness and depression about these thoughts got so bad that i even thought about not wanting to live anymore. I was riding in the car with my boyfriend on the freeway that day, and I remember thinking about how i just wanted to open the door and jump out, just so it would go away.
I finally came out and told my boyfriend of 6 years ( the same one i mentioned earlier that i met in highschool) mom and dad about 4 months ago about all my thoughts and issues i have been having. it was scary because i was afraid of what they would think. i felt crazy. It was hard for them to believe at first i think because i outwardly to them seemed normal and never really showed signs of being depressed. I hid my feelings well, mostly because i was ashamed and embarassed. I thought if i told them, they would all tell me im crazy, and that i got tested for HIV and shouldnt worry. suprisingly everyone in my family have been very supportive and my boyfriend has been so accepting and wonderful.
I went to my doctor to get a mole looked at, and i ended up spilling EVERYTHING to him about my worries. He was very concerned and decided to try some medication to supress the thoughts. I was put on citalopram (celexa) and i have been on that since Mid september. He suggested that i see a therapist to help as well. My dad helped me find a therapist that lives near my home that uses cognitive behavioral therapy with an emphasis on evidence. I have been seeing him for 3 months and I am feeling a bit better.
A month ago i had a bunch of blood work done to check and make sure everything was normal, and i asked to get an HIV test. I told myself if i get this last test, from a doctor i trust, that is the traditional test that i will not get tested anymore and try to believe the test. I got the results back a week later, and to no suprise, it was negative.
this last week i have been going back to my old ways, thinking of all the ways i may have gotten HIV since i got tested (like the lady who took my blood didnt use a clean needle, someone put blood in my food etc) but i am trying to use the evidence i have to make the thoughts go away. It is so hard sometimes. i just want to be happy, but i feel like when i find myself laughing or enjoying life, my brain reminds myself that "you have HIV, why are you happy? you should be worrying." Sometimes i just cry and feel so sad that i cant see a light at the end of the tunnel. I worry that i am burdening my family and my boyfriend with all this, and sometimes i wonder if they even believe me when i tell them i have been diagnosed with OCD. I feel like for someone who doesnt have OCD, it would be so hard to understand why they cant just accept the truth and let go. I feel so alone, like no one can really understand what im going through which then makes me feel like im crazy.
I am hoping that with the medication i have been prescribed, continuation of therapy and now joining this forum, i can start to accept my disorder for what it is and begin to live as normal of a life as i can. I find that i feel comfort reading stories of others, because i can relate and it makes me feel "normal" and like im not alone.
I started thinking i had gotten HIV from guys i had kissed and done things with, and i was utterly terrified. For TWO YEARS i cried myself to sleep, researched daily all the signs of having HIV, how to contract it and so on. I thought about it when i went to sleep and it was the first thing on my mind when i woke up. It consumed me everyday. I told my mom about my concerns and she told me i had nothing to worry about. that is what everyone told me, but i just couldnt let it go, i was CONVINCED i had HIV, i was going to spread it to my family and friends and that i would never get married and have children. The anxiety i felt thinking about taking a test and waiting a week for the results was so bad, that i could never get the courage to go get tested. I finally got the courage to get tested when i turned 17. My motivation was my boyfriend whom i cared for dearly, but i couldnt even kiss him without thinking i was going to give him HIV so i just had to know the truth. I found a local clinic that performed rapid HIV testing so i would get my results in 20 minutes.
I got tested, and it was NEGATIVE!!! I was so happy and relieved i just couldnt beleive i had worried for so long for nothing. Things were great after that. I accepted my results and graduated highschool, went on to college and lived a normal happy life. Sometimes i would think about HIV and have some bouts of worrying, researching online and anxiety. I even convinced myself i had herpes even though i physically had no symptoms. I saw an add on tv and started worrying i had it. I called hotlines and asked questions, read up on herpes on the internet and got so scared that i had my mom make me an appointment with my doctor to get a herpes test. A week later it came back negative and i felt better. For some reason i then started thinking that the needle the doctor used to take my blood might have been infected with HIV and then i started worrying about that again.
I have battled with these thoughts about having HIV for 7 years now. It was manageable for the last 5 years since i got tested, but this last year it has gotten so bad that i think i have contracted HIV through scientifically impossible means. I went and had another rapid HIV test done in september and it was negative. I thought it would be over. i felt happy. but when i got home to my apartmen. not even 30 minutes after my results, i started doubting them. I began googling the reliability of rapid HIV tests, and was convinced that i had it but the test didnt pick it up. My sadness and depression about these thoughts got so bad that i even thought about not wanting to live anymore. I was riding in the car with my boyfriend on the freeway that day, and I remember thinking about how i just wanted to open the door and jump out, just so it would go away.
I finally came out and told my boyfriend of 6 years ( the same one i mentioned earlier that i met in highschool) mom and dad about 4 months ago about all my thoughts and issues i have been having. it was scary because i was afraid of what they would think. i felt crazy. It was hard for them to believe at first i think because i outwardly to them seemed normal and never really showed signs of being depressed. I hid my feelings well, mostly because i was ashamed and embarassed. I thought if i told them, they would all tell me im crazy, and that i got tested for HIV and shouldnt worry. suprisingly everyone in my family have been very supportive and my boyfriend has been so accepting and wonderful.
I went to my doctor to get a mole looked at, and i ended up spilling EVERYTHING to him about my worries. He was very concerned and decided to try some medication to supress the thoughts. I was put on citalopram (celexa) and i have been on that since Mid september. He suggested that i see a therapist to help as well. My dad helped me find a therapist that lives near my home that uses cognitive behavioral therapy with an emphasis on evidence. I have been seeing him for 3 months and I am feeling a bit better.
A month ago i had a bunch of blood work done to check and make sure everything was normal, and i asked to get an HIV test. I told myself if i get this last test, from a doctor i trust, that is the traditional test that i will not get tested anymore and try to believe the test. I got the results back a week later, and to no suprise, it was negative.
this last week i have been going back to my old ways, thinking of all the ways i may have gotten HIV since i got tested (like the lady who took my blood didnt use a clean needle, someone put blood in my food etc) but i am trying to use the evidence i have to make the thoughts go away. It is so hard sometimes. i just want to be happy, but i feel like when i find myself laughing or enjoying life, my brain reminds myself that "you have HIV, why are you happy? you should be worrying." Sometimes i just cry and feel so sad that i cant see a light at the end of the tunnel. I worry that i am burdening my family and my boyfriend with all this, and sometimes i wonder if they even believe me when i tell them i have been diagnosed with OCD. I feel like for someone who doesnt have OCD, it would be so hard to understand why they cant just accept the truth and let go. I feel so alone, like no one can really understand what im going through which then makes me feel like im crazy.
I am hoping that with the medication i have been prescribed, continuation of therapy and now joining this forum, i can start to accept my disorder for what it is and begin to live as normal of a life as i can. I find that i feel comfort reading stories of others, because i can relate and it makes me feel "normal" and like im not alone.
