UnsolvedMystery
New member
Hi
This is my first post so I am just unloading here and there’s lots I just need to get out. Please bear with me.
I can’t say whether I have full blown APD but I exhibit all the characteristics to a greater or lesser degree and I have certainly had social anxiety episodes.
I am not really sure where this came from. I didn’t suffer abuse as a child or anything and I get on well with my parents. I was always quiet and withdrawn to a degree. At times my parents used to tell me try and come out of my shell a bit more and to be more like so-and-so. They probably thought I was being lazy. I think more of it comes from school. At the school I went to it was very clear that there were certain traits that were considered positive and made you valuable in the eyes of the headmaster. If you didn’t have those then you were considered of lower value and almost a second class citizen. All of this reinforces feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. I feel that had a big effect on me as I was at that school until my early teens.
When I moved on to senior school I didn’t have the confidence a lot of the other kids had and although I usually had a couple of friends, I didn’t go to parties or get invited, didn’t have girlfriends etc.
That’s not completely true. When I was at school there was a girl I used to see at the bus stop every day and I thought she was cute but I didn’t dare speak to her. When I was 16 a mutual friend said she liked me and I should talk to her. I eventually was able to chat to her for a bit and eventually we even agreed to go to this thing together but when it came to it I couldn’t go through with it. I was so nervous knowing other people would be there and would see us and I was convinced I would wear the wrong clothes or say the wrong things or make a fool of myself so I didn’t go. I often think if I had gone maybe it would have been fine and she would have been my first girlfriend and then college would have been easier to manage socially. I beat myself up over that one for a long time.
I had one girlfriend towards the end of university and I thought things were turning around for me and I was going to be fine from now but then out of the blue I would suddenly feel really bad, insecure, nervous and anxious with her and I didn’t know why and she didn’t understand. We didn’t go out long and I didn’t get another girlfriend for about 10 years.
I hate that I wasted my 20s. I didn’t really know people my own age so didn’t have much of a social life and used to spend my evenings and weekends at home on my own. I tried to fill the gaps with movies or books or video games but there’s only so much of that you can do.
In my early 30s I was growing very despondent at my lack of social skill, my anxiety, my shyness, my fear of ridicule and embarrassment etc. I could see life going on all around me and people socialising and going into bars and things but I felt like I was on another planet compared to them or in a parallel universe only one where they couldn’t really see me. I decided I wanted to really try and change. Often on a Saturday night I would have nothing to do but I could hear all these things going on around me as I lived in a busy social area and a few times I just went out and walked around to try and see what people did and how they were acting to see if I could figure out how to behave like them. I stopped short of actually going into bars though and it didn’t really help and I didn’t learn anything. It was all still a mystery.
At that point I really wanted to have a girlfriend as I was scared life was passing me by. It took me about 18 months to get a girlfriend and I did it by reading up on pick up artists routines on the internet and then finally getting the courage to go speed dating (so I had a captive audience) and for a little while it was all good and I thought maybe I was just a slow starter and would be fine now. But as we went on I tried to do the things other people did and I just couldn’t enjoy it. I think my ex had issues of her own and was somewhat dependent so when I couldn’t open up or be available as she wanted, she used to get very angry with me. At least when I was dealing with all the issues of the relationship I wasn’t facing my social anxiety issues.
Breaking up was traumatic but ultimately the best thing for both of us. I had to move into my own place and then furnish it piece by piece so for the first couple of months that took up all my time and energy.
Now I am not focused on that so much I have fallen right back into the old patterns before my last relationship. I will come home from work on a Friday night and other than buying groceries or a book and dealing with store clerks, I might not talk to anyone until I get back into work on Monday.
I’ve always been regarded as a bit of a loner and often I am fine with my own company and I can lose myself in books, tv, surfing the web, drawing, working out, running in the park etc. But there’s a big difference between doing those things out of choice and turning to them because you don’t know what do elsewhere.
I can make friends. I have a few close friends from my life who I see from time to time so I know they see value in me. One of them really surprised me though as he said when he first met me he felt I was very aloof and every time he thought we were becoming friends I would put the barriers up. I never knew I did that.
I make friends online too. It’s easier over email and messenger. Many of my online friends are in foreign countries and one girl I chat to got very concerned about me and googled a list of activities in my area she thought I might enjoy trying. I read a lot and liked the idea of a book group but when I looked it up there were pictures of the group at a social event and the idea of trying to go along join in was distressing and outweighed the idea of any fun I might have had. I always felt these people were all together already so why would they want a new person and what would I say? It’s hard to explain as I know I am intelligent and have things to say but just can’t believe many people would want to hear them.
I really dislike group social situations like bars and clubs or parties. I am friends with a really cool couple from online and they invited me to hang out with them. They are both attractive, outgoing creative types and he was describing a list of things we could do and he mentioned some bars or clubs we should visit and I instantly almost felt sweat prickle on my back and started thinking about how I could get out of visiting him so I wouldn’t have to go to these places. We talk about a lot of things and I ended up going into detail about my social anxiety and at the time it was a bit of catharsis but after I sent him the email I wished I hadn’t written it.
So now I probably won’t meet up with them and the friendship will eventually fizzle out. There have been a number of times in my life where I’ve done this. Perhaps if I went along it would have been fine but I constantly self -sabotage. It’s not easier to stay on your own and deal with missing out on things but it’s easier than trying to fit in and feeling awkward all the time.
Very rarely I will go along and try to copy what everyone else is doing but I spend so long consciously doing that I never actually relax and enjoy myself. I visited a friend who took me to one of these things and I never felt comfortable or able to relax. Afterwards he went to bed and I stayed up and watched a couple of DVDs. I enjoyed that much more than being in the bar.
I’ve lived a thousand lives in my head where I’ve been able to go along to these events and been comfortable and in my element and I am the guy who knows what to say and do but in reality I freeze up. I have been in situations where I literally cannot speak and people get confused or bewildered or even frustrated or angry with me.
In work I am fine and manage ok but if there are work social events I really don’t look forward to them and avoid them or stay for the bare minimum time I can in order to leave without looking rude. I always feel like I have to have stories to tell and almost plan them in advance. I did fine one time but only because I got quite drunk but I don’t want to have to get drunk just to enjoy myself with others.
I have good periods and bad periods. This will sound silly but about 10 years ago I tried to see if it was possible to get a job as a lighthouse keeper. I was struggling so much that I thought my best option was to get a job where I wouldn’t really have to see anyone and I wouldn’t constantly be reminded of the life going on around me that I was not part of. (As it turns out lighthouse keepers aren’t really needed anymore as lighthouse are controlled remotely.) That has probably been one of the hardest things. You know you shouldn’t stay in all the time but if you go out you are going to see people getting along and managing and it just makes you feel bad.
Very soon I will be 40 years old. I have underachieved in life compared to my peers and I don’t expect to get married or have a family now. Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be anything to look forward to in the long term or what the point is. I am not suicidal or self harming but if what lies ahead is another 30 or 40 years like this then existence doesn’t really seem like it has much of a purpose. I don’t understand it.
I don’t think I’ll ever get past this now. I’ve missed out on a lot already so there doesn’t seem like much point to getting fixed at this stage in my life. I don’t want to get on medication but I can’t find the answers myself. I’ve tried meditation, positive thinking and on rare occasions forcing myself into social situations (kill or cure) but I’ve not yet found an answer. I saw a counsellor for almost a year but ultimately didn’t find it to be that much use.
The best I can hope for now I think is to try to come to terms with this and live with it as best I can.
I’d really be interested to hear from anyone who has managed this and how they did it.
(Sorry for writing so much. If you read this far then thanks for your attention.)
This is my first post so I am just unloading here and there’s lots I just need to get out. Please bear with me.
I can’t say whether I have full blown APD but I exhibit all the characteristics to a greater or lesser degree and I have certainly had social anxiety episodes.
I am not really sure where this came from. I didn’t suffer abuse as a child or anything and I get on well with my parents. I was always quiet and withdrawn to a degree. At times my parents used to tell me try and come out of my shell a bit more and to be more like so-and-so. They probably thought I was being lazy. I think more of it comes from school. At the school I went to it was very clear that there were certain traits that were considered positive and made you valuable in the eyes of the headmaster. If you didn’t have those then you were considered of lower value and almost a second class citizen. All of this reinforces feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. I feel that had a big effect on me as I was at that school until my early teens.
When I moved on to senior school I didn’t have the confidence a lot of the other kids had and although I usually had a couple of friends, I didn’t go to parties or get invited, didn’t have girlfriends etc.
That’s not completely true. When I was at school there was a girl I used to see at the bus stop every day and I thought she was cute but I didn’t dare speak to her. When I was 16 a mutual friend said she liked me and I should talk to her. I eventually was able to chat to her for a bit and eventually we even agreed to go to this thing together but when it came to it I couldn’t go through with it. I was so nervous knowing other people would be there and would see us and I was convinced I would wear the wrong clothes or say the wrong things or make a fool of myself so I didn’t go. I often think if I had gone maybe it would have been fine and she would have been my first girlfriend and then college would have been easier to manage socially. I beat myself up over that one for a long time.
I had one girlfriend towards the end of university and I thought things were turning around for me and I was going to be fine from now but then out of the blue I would suddenly feel really bad, insecure, nervous and anxious with her and I didn’t know why and she didn’t understand. We didn’t go out long and I didn’t get another girlfriend for about 10 years.
I hate that I wasted my 20s. I didn’t really know people my own age so didn’t have much of a social life and used to spend my evenings and weekends at home on my own. I tried to fill the gaps with movies or books or video games but there’s only so much of that you can do.
In my early 30s I was growing very despondent at my lack of social skill, my anxiety, my shyness, my fear of ridicule and embarrassment etc. I could see life going on all around me and people socialising and going into bars and things but I felt like I was on another planet compared to them or in a parallel universe only one where they couldn’t really see me. I decided I wanted to really try and change. Often on a Saturday night I would have nothing to do but I could hear all these things going on around me as I lived in a busy social area and a few times I just went out and walked around to try and see what people did and how they were acting to see if I could figure out how to behave like them. I stopped short of actually going into bars though and it didn’t really help and I didn’t learn anything. It was all still a mystery.
At that point I really wanted to have a girlfriend as I was scared life was passing me by. It took me about 18 months to get a girlfriend and I did it by reading up on pick up artists routines on the internet and then finally getting the courage to go speed dating (so I had a captive audience) and for a little while it was all good and I thought maybe I was just a slow starter and would be fine now. But as we went on I tried to do the things other people did and I just couldn’t enjoy it. I think my ex had issues of her own and was somewhat dependent so when I couldn’t open up or be available as she wanted, she used to get very angry with me. At least when I was dealing with all the issues of the relationship I wasn’t facing my social anxiety issues.
Breaking up was traumatic but ultimately the best thing for both of us. I had to move into my own place and then furnish it piece by piece so for the first couple of months that took up all my time and energy.
Now I am not focused on that so much I have fallen right back into the old patterns before my last relationship. I will come home from work on a Friday night and other than buying groceries or a book and dealing with store clerks, I might not talk to anyone until I get back into work on Monday.
I’ve always been regarded as a bit of a loner and often I am fine with my own company and I can lose myself in books, tv, surfing the web, drawing, working out, running in the park etc. But there’s a big difference between doing those things out of choice and turning to them because you don’t know what do elsewhere.
I can make friends. I have a few close friends from my life who I see from time to time so I know they see value in me. One of them really surprised me though as he said when he first met me he felt I was very aloof and every time he thought we were becoming friends I would put the barriers up. I never knew I did that.
I make friends online too. It’s easier over email and messenger. Many of my online friends are in foreign countries and one girl I chat to got very concerned about me and googled a list of activities in my area she thought I might enjoy trying. I read a lot and liked the idea of a book group but when I looked it up there were pictures of the group at a social event and the idea of trying to go along join in was distressing and outweighed the idea of any fun I might have had. I always felt these people were all together already so why would they want a new person and what would I say? It’s hard to explain as I know I am intelligent and have things to say but just can’t believe many people would want to hear them.
I really dislike group social situations like bars and clubs or parties. I am friends with a really cool couple from online and they invited me to hang out with them. They are both attractive, outgoing creative types and he was describing a list of things we could do and he mentioned some bars or clubs we should visit and I instantly almost felt sweat prickle on my back and started thinking about how I could get out of visiting him so I wouldn’t have to go to these places. We talk about a lot of things and I ended up going into detail about my social anxiety and at the time it was a bit of catharsis but after I sent him the email I wished I hadn’t written it.
So now I probably won’t meet up with them and the friendship will eventually fizzle out. There have been a number of times in my life where I’ve done this. Perhaps if I went along it would have been fine but I constantly self -sabotage. It’s not easier to stay on your own and deal with missing out on things but it’s easier than trying to fit in and feeling awkward all the time.
Very rarely I will go along and try to copy what everyone else is doing but I spend so long consciously doing that I never actually relax and enjoy myself. I visited a friend who took me to one of these things and I never felt comfortable or able to relax. Afterwards he went to bed and I stayed up and watched a couple of DVDs. I enjoyed that much more than being in the bar.
I’ve lived a thousand lives in my head where I’ve been able to go along to these events and been comfortable and in my element and I am the guy who knows what to say and do but in reality I freeze up. I have been in situations where I literally cannot speak and people get confused or bewildered or even frustrated or angry with me.
In work I am fine and manage ok but if there are work social events I really don’t look forward to them and avoid them or stay for the bare minimum time I can in order to leave without looking rude. I always feel like I have to have stories to tell and almost plan them in advance. I did fine one time but only because I got quite drunk but I don’t want to have to get drunk just to enjoy myself with others.
I have good periods and bad periods. This will sound silly but about 10 years ago I tried to see if it was possible to get a job as a lighthouse keeper. I was struggling so much that I thought my best option was to get a job where I wouldn’t really have to see anyone and I wouldn’t constantly be reminded of the life going on around me that I was not part of. (As it turns out lighthouse keepers aren’t really needed anymore as lighthouse are controlled remotely.) That has probably been one of the hardest things. You know you shouldn’t stay in all the time but if you go out you are going to see people getting along and managing and it just makes you feel bad.
Very soon I will be 40 years old. I have underachieved in life compared to my peers and I don’t expect to get married or have a family now. Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be anything to look forward to in the long term or what the point is. I am not suicidal or self harming but if what lies ahead is another 30 or 40 years like this then existence doesn’t really seem like it has much of a purpose. I don’t understand it.
I don’t think I’ll ever get past this now. I’ve missed out on a lot already so there doesn’t seem like much point to getting fixed at this stage in my life. I don’t want to get on medication but I can’t find the answers myself. I’ve tried meditation, positive thinking and on rare occasions forcing myself into social situations (kill or cure) but I’ve not yet found an answer. I saw a counsellor for almost a year but ultimately didn’t find it to be that much use.
The best I can hope for now I think is to try to come to terms with this and live with it as best I can.
I’d really be interested to hear from anyone who has managed this and how they did it.
(Sorry for writing so much. If you read this far then thanks for your attention.)
