Hello everyone, I'm new to this forum. I've been really suffering from anxiety and some depression for the past year concerning thoughts related to whether to stay with my fiancee or not, and I was just wondering whether anyone could afford me some time to share thoughts about my dilemma. I'm someone who doesn't necessarily want to be too quick to judge certain 'disturbing' behaviours as abnormal, and so I'll try and jot down as much information that is relevant to my problems and (hopefully) get some feedback before I jump to any conclusions.
As far back as I can remember, the only symptoms that seemed OCD related were not wanting to step on cracked pavements in case something 'bad' might happen. This I have under more control now, and so it's not really an issue anymore.
Since I was a teenager, I became obsessed with my body image (I had chronic eczema when I was young which caused my arms and legs to be covered with scab wounds and bandages.); I began wanting to look like certain celebrities that I 'learned' most girls at the time thought to be very attractive (I thought my body and face were ugly and repulsive) like Di Caprio, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, model-type looking men, etc. At the same time, I began to fantasise about women who were 'perfect' looking i.e. models, conventionally 'hot' women/girls; sexy; Michelle Pfeiffer or Natalie Portman types.
(I have some general 'paranoid' tendency's to assume people are judging my physical appearance in public ((even though I am aware of this)), and personality ((when I interact)).
Since then I've had an urge to look like these perfect male figures in order to obtain these perfect female figures; I thought that was the only way I could make this transaction possible, since looking 'ugly' wouldn't be able to guarantee me with obtaining what I really wanted: a perfect girlfriend that made me feel good about myself. As a consequence of this type of thinking I have a compulsion to always be on the look-out for women that fit this 'perfect' type wherever I go, or in magazines/internet etc. So whenever I'm in public my mind is scanning the area for these 'perfect types', and even if I only see the back of a girl/woman who looks like they could be attractive from just looking at their shoes/feet, back, hair, fashion sense etc. I will feel an incredible urge to check their face to see if they match my criteria for perfect looking female. I hope that they will also be checking me out (since I'm always making an effort to look equally 'hot' and 'perfect' for them, so that they will be interested in me to go out with me). Thoughts that will go through my head are "maybe she's looking at me right now. maybe she's thinking 'that guy is so hot'...I want to be with him". This makes me feel 'good' and anxious at the same time, because I don't have the confidence to do anything about it, like talk to them. All I can do is check to see if they are looking at me to confirm that these 'hot' women fancy me, and that I am being noticed.
Along with this 'problem', I've never really had any teenage relationships or early relationships throughout my early 20's, and feel that I've missed out on this 'exciting' period of having lots of fun with lots of different girls; now that I'm engaged to be married with my fiancee I feel a real pressure to leave her so that I can be with this 'perfect looking girl' which will make me happy, and to fulfill that adolescent 'stage' in my life which I missed out on.
There is an existential dilemma connected to this: "I only have one chance at life, so I should make the most of it; and so I should be with my 'perfect' type of woman and experience 'perfect' sex/intimacy/relationship with them."
The problem is, I love my fiancee; she's so amazing. But I'll pick up on physical 'flaws' like "she's not sexy enough, her face is too ugly, she's too fat", comparing her to my 'perfect' types; and personality 'flaws' like "my god - if she can't clean the house properly how will we cope when we have kids?!" This causes me immense stress and anxiety. Sometimes, when she dresses up, my fiancee looks stunning, so that makes me feel better. But then generally if she doesn't walk in a certain way, or dress in a certain way (like my idealised sexy women would) then I get anxious and wonder whether I'm making a huge mistake.
Around last xmas time, I started wondering whether I even loved her anymore which terrified me because I then thought that I shouldn't be with her. But we went on holiday recently and I felt so in love with her all the time that I knew that 'not loving her' was not the problem. I now think the problem is that 'she's not attractive enough for me', and shouldn't I deserve someone who is attractive? Why should I only settle for personality when I can have great looks and great personality? So it's like I'm feeling "this isn't fair! How come she gets to be happy with the way I look and my personality, and I don't?!"
Anyway, I have a fear that this isn't OCD related and that my mind/body is telling me that I am not happy, I won't be happy, and that I should get out of the relationship before it's too late; if I get married and have kids and then separate it will mean hurting more people; and my fiancee loves me so much (she says) that I'm scared of breaking her heart - she makes me think that this is one of the main reasons that I'm with her, because I don't want to hurt her. I want this to be OCD related because then I know that I do love her, I do want to be with her, and these obsessions/compulsions with these 'perfect' types are just that - unhealthy, and will eventually lead me to ruin rather than genuine happiness.
So my main 'triggers' are:
1 if I see 'perfect/pretty' women
2 if I worry that I will ***k up my family (in the future)
3 if I feel that I'm only staying with my fiancee because I don't want to break her heart
4 if we have an argument I feel we should just break up
5 if I feel that it is unfair that I am not with someone that meets my ideal criteria (more in terms of physical appearance)
6 if I think that monogamy is too restrictive, and that I should find someone who wants a polygamous relationship instead
So, if you managed to get through all of that, I appreciate the time you took to read it. I would immensely appreciate any comments as well.
Thanks a lot
