I just joined and wanted to say hi.
A little bit about myself:
I'm a 41 year old single mother of 4 children. I say single, although technically I'm still married to a deadbeat, we are permanently separated. He abandoned us a few years ago for another "woman". He goes with different ones, and he is a drug addict.
I'm almost positive I have a social anxiety disorder, even though I haven't been diagnosed. I've been "weird" most of my life, and alot of people don't know how to take me. I've always been called backwards or shy. I have been like this since I can remember. I was a very shy child, but handled school well enough until I was about 12 or 13. After that, I started caring about what people thought about me, and I was a social outcast from then on. I got picked on a lot in school, even though back then, I was a pretty girl. It got to be too much to handle and I quit school at 16 years old. I tried going back at 17, but it wasn't any better, and I quit again.
I was very depressed as a teenager, and I did some things I'm not proud of from about 18-22. I just wanted to be accepted and loved by someone.
Those days are over, thank God.
Before things started getting bad for me in school, I was a straight A and B student, and was on the honor roll. I think if things hadn't changed, I could have made something of myself. I hold a grudge against all the kids that tormented me in school. The few men in my life treated me like garbage, so I hold a grudge against them as well. Basically, what it boils down to now is, I'm very bitter toward people in general now, and I trust no one. I pray it isn't so, but I sort of believe that most people in this world don't really care about anyone other than themselves or their immediate family. I think people do alot of pretending.
Anyway, I am a hermit. I get out of the house 2-3 times a month to go to the store. My mother lives with me and the kids, and she does all the grocery shopping and such.
I make a living selling on the internet, just enough so that we can get by.
I don't talk on the phone, unless it is my one and only childhood friend. I can't talk to bill collectors, or my landlord. I think I would have a panic attack if I ever had to talk to the landlord. I don't know why, logically it makes no sense, but I just can't. My mother takes the rent to her, and talks to her when need be.
Sometimes potential customers will want to call me on the phone, but I can't handle that. I have told a few people that I have a hearing impairment, so that I won't have to talk to them. They would think I was nuts if I were to talk to them. Because I would giggle too much at the wrong time, and my conversation skills are zilch. I giggle when I'm nervous and wind up sounding like an idiot, lol.
I don't even frequent forums or message boards that much, except to just read. I'm afraid someone will want to be my friend, and that at some point I may have to talk to them on the phone. Or that someone may live close to me, and actually want to come to my house.
If I'm the only one home, I don't answer the door, I hide instead. Because I'm afraid it will be someone who will cause me anxiety of some kind. I remember when I made the mistake of ordering a bible from the Latter Day Saints. They sent people to my house, who came every other day until they finally gave up. (No offense to anyone who is Mormon, I just don't want anyone coming to my door unexpectedly).
Let's see, what are some other things "wrong" with me? I think I have a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder. This is because I have to do a repetition of some things. Some of these things I have to do 7 times. I'm not as bad as I used to be though.
Physical wise, I'm overweight, diabetic, and have high blood pressure. I also have esophegal reflux. Being overweight makes me even more nervous to see people.
I get depressed once in awhile, because sometimes I feel like I have no life. But most of the time I tell myself should be grateful for the blessings I do have. I'm just so set in my ways now I guess.
I don't know what made me even want to talk about this today. Just one of those days when I'm feeling down I guess.
I'm a little apprehensive about posting this, but I think I will go ahead.
A little bit about myself:
I'm a 41 year old single mother of 4 children. I say single, although technically I'm still married to a deadbeat, we are permanently separated. He abandoned us a few years ago for another "woman". He goes with different ones, and he is a drug addict.
I'm almost positive I have a social anxiety disorder, even though I haven't been diagnosed. I've been "weird" most of my life, and alot of people don't know how to take me. I've always been called backwards or shy. I have been like this since I can remember. I was a very shy child, but handled school well enough until I was about 12 or 13. After that, I started caring about what people thought about me, and I was a social outcast from then on. I got picked on a lot in school, even though back then, I was a pretty girl. It got to be too much to handle and I quit school at 16 years old. I tried going back at 17, but it wasn't any better, and I quit again.
I was very depressed as a teenager, and I did some things I'm not proud of from about 18-22. I just wanted to be accepted and loved by someone.
Those days are over, thank God.
Before things started getting bad for me in school, I was a straight A and B student, and was on the honor roll. I think if things hadn't changed, I could have made something of myself. I hold a grudge against all the kids that tormented me in school. The few men in my life treated me like garbage, so I hold a grudge against them as well. Basically, what it boils down to now is, I'm very bitter toward people in general now, and I trust no one. I pray it isn't so, but I sort of believe that most people in this world don't really care about anyone other than themselves or their immediate family. I think people do alot of pretending.
Anyway, I am a hermit. I get out of the house 2-3 times a month to go to the store. My mother lives with me and the kids, and she does all the grocery shopping and such.
I make a living selling on the internet, just enough so that we can get by.
I don't talk on the phone, unless it is my one and only childhood friend. I can't talk to bill collectors, or my landlord. I think I would have a panic attack if I ever had to talk to the landlord. I don't know why, logically it makes no sense, but I just can't. My mother takes the rent to her, and talks to her when need be.
Sometimes potential customers will want to call me on the phone, but I can't handle that. I have told a few people that I have a hearing impairment, so that I won't have to talk to them. They would think I was nuts if I were to talk to them. Because I would giggle too much at the wrong time, and my conversation skills are zilch. I giggle when I'm nervous and wind up sounding like an idiot, lol.
I don't even frequent forums or message boards that much, except to just read. I'm afraid someone will want to be my friend, and that at some point I may have to talk to them on the phone. Or that someone may live close to me, and actually want to come to my house.
If I'm the only one home, I don't answer the door, I hide instead. Because I'm afraid it will be someone who will cause me anxiety of some kind. I remember when I made the mistake of ordering a bible from the Latter Day Saints. They sent people to my house, who came every other day until they finally gave up. (No offense to anyone who is Mormon, I just don't want anyone coming to my door unexpectedly).
Let's see, what are some other things "wrong" with me? I think I have a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder. This is because I have to do a repetition of some things. Some of these things I have to do 7 times. I'm not as bad as I used to be though.
Physical wise, I'm overweight, diabetic, and have high blood pressure. I also have esophegal reflux. Being overweight makes me even more nervous to see people.
I get depressed once in awhile, because sometimes I feel like I have no life. But most of the time I tell myself should be grateful for the blessings I do have. I'm just so set in my ways now I guess.
I don't know what made me even want to talk about this today. Just one of those days when I'm feeling down I guess.
I'm a little apprehensive about posting this, but I think I will go ahead.
