new and unsure

[Orlando]

Blankmind,

I feel so sorry for what your family and you have gone thru. I also feel badly for your father. (Not that I condone anything he did. What he did was wrong! Physically abusing others is not right!) I seems that your father didn't understand forgiveness either. When he was angry at your mother, he hit her. When he was angry at you, he physically intimidated you. When he was angry at himself, he tried to commit suicide. It is really sad because he had the perfect opportunity to have a warm and loving family....instead, he chose to act the way he did....He might have done it because the stress (of being a father) was too much for him or he might have done it because that is what he was taught a father should be.....Either way, it is sad...because his world is without love and acceptance....It is difficult to be accepting and loving to a person who you disagree with. It is difficult but not impossible.

As a child, I remember I used to kick and punch the family cat. I thought it was funny when she cried. Actually, I even liked it because I felt strong.
I remember that I was angry at the world because I thought everyone was against me. I remember I was angry at the world because I was so different from other people. I don't condone anything that I did. What I did was wrong. I feel guilt up to this day for the pain that I caused. I remember then I hating the world and I felt the world hated me back too. A world without love and forgiveness is painful.

 

[blankmind]

hi orlando,
i think we all do things we regret when were young i was'nt perfect,but the difference between us and people like my dad is that we recognize the bad things and feel bad about it later on,my dad did'nt.
i still see my dad,he's had a bad stroke all the one side of his body is paralized,he still gets about ie:drives ,works now and again.
but he still does not recognize,not to me anyway,that he's done anything wrong.
i tried bringing it up once hoping it would resolve a few issues,but he just sat there and said'well i can't think what i did wrong'
he does make more of an effort to see everyone,but he thinks chucking money about will solve everything.
but what can you do?
i just try and concentrate on sorting myself out.

 

[neddy]

Hello, I was just thinking about my upbringing, I also felt like I was unloved when I was younger. I was forever holding my feelings in to keep the peace as my mum has got a very bad temper, the slightest little thing would upset her, if you did she would verbally get stuck into you. She would constantly tell me how useless I am, why was I so quiet and wouldn't talk much, that I was a big embarrassment to her. I would silently resent her but was unable to tell her how I was feeling as it was upset things. I guess this may have something to do with why I am the way I am as this affected my self esteem and I used to wonder like no one liked me.

I do not hold this against my mum as we are now over 3000kms away from each other and seem to be a bit closer. I also understand what some of her problems are now as when she was a child she wasnt shown much love and affection, her dad went away to the war, ended up a prisoner of war, eventually came home and was a alcoholic which killed him in the end. My mums mother was too busy running around chasing after the handful of males left behind, having babies and leaving then on church steps. My mum has 8 brothers and sisters and most of the younger ones were brought up in an orphanage as their mother wasnt looking after them. My oldest aunty almost 80 now took the youngest kids out of the orphanage (including my mum) and helped raise them as well as having a young family herself to look after. Under these circumstances I think my mum did her best in raising us kids. She has had a hard life herself and in most cases it has alot to do with the upbringing. We all learn from our mistakes. Even though my mum never showed any affection or was unable to express her feelings I would be one of the first people to help out if she needed any help.

Maybe your parents had a tough upbringing as well. Your father used to yell and slap your mother, maybe he witnessed something similar when he was a kid and can't see what the problem his.