new and unsure

[blankmind]

unsure what i'm doing that is
hi!'i've had socialphobia for all my life but it was only the last ten years
that i realized how much of a crippling problem it is.
i'm even shaking while writing this,this is scary.
i mean i'm on a computer and no one can see me but i'm still worried what you will think,anyway just wanted to say hi and hopefully share my thoughts with people who are in the same boat
thankz

 

[Orlando]

Hi, Blankmind!

I feel the same way most of the time.

For me, it is nice to know that I can talk to people and understand where people come from when I'm on this forum.

When I think about image, I think that I'm partly stuck-up. Like I got something to prove....I have to be very intelligent, very truthful, very thoughtful, etc. These are all good and nice qualities but too much of a good thing is bad. Things get bad when I do things for the wrong reason. Like I if I write things, only to prove that I'm smart or popular. Like if I'm thoughtful, only if I know the other person or other people will congratulate me for doing something good (Oh, brother! I am so guilty of this.). It is the image that frightens me so much because if that image falls apart in front of people, I think I might feel devastated. It is impossible to keep that image up because I am human. On top of that, if I keep the image up, I won't be genuine. It is like I will only do stuff that other people will accept or think well of. Then I lose.
That's how I feel at times. Maybe it's low self-esteem. Maybe it's genetic. Oh, I don't care....it just me. I'm trying to change it because it's not working for me. I feel more sad and alone the more that I try to keep that image up. It's like I want to hide myself and present something wonderful....Isn't that terrible? How do you feel about yourself, Blankmind?

 

[blankmind]

i feel that it requires a big effort when people are around,as though you don't want them to spot that your different in any way
its as though you think they can read your mind and see the way you are feeling,it's a very big effort and very draining so much so that it hardly seems worth the bother and you feel like running away and hiding somewhere,and thats before i even open my mouth to speak.
have you ever been in a room with people ,then a couple of them will disappear and your left with this one person,and you feel like you have to talk but your mind goes blank,then you start to worry that the other person might think your ignorant or something,then that will go round in your head forever and makes the whole situation even worse.
i think we care to much.
care so much what other people will think of us,but yet there does not seem to be anything we can do about it,we overthink and analyze it far to much.
just thinking that someone might say hi in the street worry's me.
sorry if i went on a bit,i'm not very good at putting the way i feel into words,the amount of doctors i've seen and the amount of times i've got myself wound-up,not knowing how to explain to them what the problem is.
anyway thankz for replying,
let me know what you think.

 

[Orlando]

Blankmind,

I think that you express yourself very well. I have experienced the 'drain' also. There were times when I thought that my mind would blow-up. That is because I would have so many random thought running thru my mind. "Do these people like me?" "Did I just insult them?" "Do they think that I'm an A##?" Stuff like that. Sometimes, I did not have enough energy to follow their conversations. It was hard enough for me to hear them through my own thoughts.

I also have that same fear of being alone with a person. I somehow I feel responsible for that person. I feel that I can upset that person's day (i.e., if I indirectly insult him) or make him feel bad by the actions that I do. Yucky, the more that I think that my happiness is dependent on other people the more out of control I feel. Because honestly, it means that I have to make other people really happy and that means my feeling really don't count that much (not as much as the feelings or opinons of others). It kinda like a loosing battle because you can't win because you're not making any decisions. I' m like always reacting to other people. They yell, "Jump". I say,"How high!" It's not fun not being in charge of yourself. Before I thought it was great, I really didn't have to make any decisions. Other people more qualified (like my family or my freinds) could just make the decisions for me. I thought that being a follower was much more easier than being a leader...But oh boy, that was a bad decision on my part....because I forgot that I matter too. Does that make any sense?

 

[blankmind]

i know what you mean.
i always hold back from conversations and let everyone have there say,i might throw in a funny or sarcastic comments but thats only if i'm feeling a little confident.
my funny or sarcastic comments have been known to be taken the wrong way so now i tend to hold back more for fear of upsetting someone and in turn then that someone not liking me.
its gotten so bad now.
it seems to have built up over years,its like its crept up without me knowing,my wife pointed out to me that she has to talk for me in most social situations,and she's right she does but its only recently i realized.
i would love to be able to take control over things but the thought is also very scary.
i won't dissagree with someone because i might upset them,and the fear of not knowing what the reaction will be,thats something i would like to work on when i've sorted myself out is to be able to be more assertive and to say if i dissagree with something,but not in a nasty way just in a senseble and reasonable way.
just to have a normal life ie:to be able to work and socialize with people,be able to take my kids out to the park,just normal everday things.
it will happen soon i hope.
it would be great to be able to step out of this body and turn into this outgoing and confident person that everbody likes and gets on with,the soul of the party!
the funny thing is i know he's in there somewhere just trying to get out.
but then again it should not matter if people don't like me ,and once again it comes back to the same problem.
i care too much!

 

[Orlando]

Hi, Blankmind.

I can relate to that feeling where you said,"He is in there somewhere just trying to get out." I think you're right.
It is painful when you have all these feelings inside (whether it is joy, anger or sadness) and you cannot communicate it to others (or are frightened to). How can you really enjoy yourself if you're surrounded by strangers (that might possibly hate you)? That doesn't sound like fun. I hold a lot of things in. Anger mostly. When people annoy me, I usually turn that anger on to myself. It is habitual now. When I was a child, I thought that if I got angry at myself, there would be no harm done. No one would get hurt. I wouldn't get into a fight with anyone. However, now I'm my own worst enemy....and I don't really fight that fair either. I hate holding things in. It keeps me feeling isolated and lonely. I hate it.

 

[blankmind]

hi,
it is horrible when you hold everything inside,it tends to circulate inside your body for days,months or even years,it gets to the point where you are afraid to let it all out because it feels like like it will explode with such great force that anyone within close proximity will be disintigrated,maybe a bit over the top but thats what it feels like,like your gonna burst.
frustration seems to be the thing with me,someone can say something that to them is just a flippent remarke but to me can cut me deep inside so much so that i will never forget that remark for as long as i live and will never forgive or be able to see it for what it was,i'm sure that if you went back and asked these same people about it that they would never even remember it because to them it was just talk.
i can sit there and wind myself up about something someone said years ago,and i can feel the anger rise in me but still i keep it in,can't be very good for your health i'm sure! :roll:

 

[Anonymous]

hi blankmind,,,that could be my name ......i go blank with stress......very little stress.....it's like it's so built up in me,that i cant take anything, and yes, we feel TOO much. Just thinking of things that have bothered me, can just freeze me up with either panic, or my head feels like it's going to burst. Amazing that others feel this huh...Dont know how good that is, but it is odly a bit comforting...Not that i want ANYONE feeling this horrable, but just the fact that there are others with same feelings, somehow is a bit calming.....But!!!!!! Again, it dosnt mean i am glad others feel this way....heck, i think ya might know what im trying to say..And hope this board gives you some comfort too..

 

[blankmind]

thankyou
i know what you mean,i would'nt wish this on anyone but it is a relief to know that other people understand the way we are feeling and also if they have managed to overcome it,so at least we know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[Orlando]

Blankmind,

You're right. It is nice to know that others understand. Thanks for sharing.

 

[neddy]

Hi Blankmind,

I also have those problems, when left alone with someone I don't know I get very tongue tied and never know what to say. I just think that the other person is thinking bad things about me and doesn't like me but then he doesn't really know me either so how can he not like me. In my job you have to get used to talking to people, small talk and I have found that when the passenger starts a conversation they always comment on the weather, then they talk about the things that are in the news or general comments about every day life and why I moved here etc, it comes with practice and the chances are the other people are feeling much the same way you are.

I also have the problem of keeping anger etc bottled up inside which in the long run isnt very healthy. One comment from someone which if it is taken the wrong can go from an anthill to a molehill. Like the more you stew on it the worse it gets until it is way out of proportion. Chances are the other person doesn't even know that they have upset you. You should never keep reliving these comments as they wont go away if you keep thinking about it and the chances are you will end up resenting the person that said it and it most likey wasnt meant to come across the way it did. I know as I do this all the time but I am slowly becoming more aware of it and stopping myself as soon as I realise what I am doing.

 

[Orlando]

Hi, Blankmind, Scardecat, and Neddy,

hi,
....someone can say something that to them is just a flippent remarke but to me can cut me deep inside so much so that i will never forget that remark for as long as i live and will never forgive or be able to see it for what it was... i can sit there and wind myself up about something someone said years ago,and i can feel the anger rise in me but still i keep it in,can't be very good for your health i'm sure! :roll:

I have the same problem with forgiveness except when I feel that someone says something bad about me then I get angry as myself for being a A##. I would think, "They wouldn't have criticized me if I didn't do something wrong. I just wanted to know what is it about Social Phobia that it makes it so hard to forgive yourself or others? Why is it so difficult for us?

 

[blankmind]

i don't know what it is that makes it hard for us to forgive,
other people would tend to brush it off and be able to totaly remove it from there mind,its like we have'nt got an uninstall program built in to us.
i've tried so many times to forget about things but it just does'nt happen,sometimes you can fool yourself for a short while before it jumps back into your mind.
i think alot of it because we internalize everything that happens on a daily basis,and hold it in until it eats away at our minds and causes so much stress and anger.
something like that anyway,wish i knew all the ins and outs,but even if i did i don't know if it would change anything.
what do you think could be the reason for our lack of forgiveness?

 

[Orlando]

Hi, Blankmind!

I'm not sure either but there must be some reason why SP think that keeping grudges against yourself or others is somehow adaptive. Why would we do, anything that is not good for ourselves. For example, with smoking, people know that smoking will cause cancer. However, they will still smoke because it relaxes them, their freinds smoke, they are bored, it looks cool, etc.

I can only think for myself. I think that as a child I learned that keeping grudges was a way to change the environment. If I berate myself enough, I will always remember what I did wrong ("Remember when I was embarrassed in front of my parents. I'll never curse in front of them...ever). Even so, I keep grudges against other people eventually I would be able to get back at them. They might forget but I would remember and remind them so I could stick it in their face.

I also think that was they way my family worked. I was the youngest in my family so I was bullied by my siblings. They were rough too. We relate better now that we're adults but when we were young we were pretty bad. As children, we didn't forgive anything. Also, our freinds were the same way. If you screwed up, you would eventually paid for it.

These might be some reason why forgiveness is hard for SP people....but I am sure there are probably more too.

 

[Anonymous]

At first i was thinking "hum, forgive? i forgive everyone". So whats different about me.....Then, i thought more and more about what ya said and realized i may sort of surfacly forgive, but i repeat over and over and over..etc the same insident of pain i took upon myself to bear, and try to figure how i could come back at them and let them know "I" was right, or what ever the insident. THATS not forgiving now is it. Funny how that is. I just always try so hard to make things right. I only like niceness, but an evel side brews inside just waiting for the chance to pop out sometimes. ick! this is weard what you guys just made me realize...thanks a bunch :lol: I never do let it out though, think that's the problem. I just brew it up until the next thing hits, and somehow the other prob. that had me goen, fades away...

 

[Orlando]

Hi, Blankmind, Neddy and Scardecat!

I was just wondering. Am I the only one that lived in a cold, loveless environment when I as a child? I'm thinking that as child I learned rules of conduct. I wasn't taught how to forgive because when anyone (My father, mother or siblings) wanted something done (like cleaning the living room) what we did was yell at one another. I remember that as a family we really did not talk that much to each other. They would bark out orders or criticize me. I would either rebel (yell back) or comply (still I would hate them). Outside of that there was no communication. What kept my family together was a sense of responsibility: We did things for the family. The family came first. This is nice and all but this seems more like a burden than love (which is very voluntary). Do you think that forgiveness would grow in this environment? I don't. I think I better learn how to forgive better because it will help me relate to people/ have deeper relationships with others.

 

[blankmind]

growing up for me was'nt great,from what i remember that is.
my dad getting drunk and beating up my mom,lying in bed and hearing it and crying to scared to move,hearing my mom cring and the sounds of fits hitting flesh.
she finally left him though,and then met someone else who also did'nt help matters.
he never touched my mom,he used to belt us if we said anything out of line,but it was'nt too often.
it was more the mental abuse,calling me thick,stupid,useless all the usual.
and that lasted all the way up till i was 19 years old.
i think what made it worse was that at that age you expect yourself to be able to knock ten tonns of crap out of him,but i was too scared.
that would really knock any self esteem that was left and i'm sure there was'nt much,right out of you.
thats some of the reasons i think i'm like i am.
but at the same time i'm sure there are people who have had it worse and still grew up fine if anything probably stronger for it,plus there are people who have'nt had bad who still end up like us,
its very hard to tell what causes it,you can't pinpoint it tie it down and say 'thats it ,thats the reason i've been like this all my life'
maybe its that we are all individuals,and whats happened in the past has made me the way i am now,i think it most likly is.

 

[Orlando]

Blankmind,

I agree that we probably cannot pinpoint 'the ultimate cause' of our Social Phobia....however, we can probe multiple factors that may have influenced it (or maybe started it).

I just thinking here....But what does hearing your mother getting slapped in the next room say to you as a child? It doesn't sound to me that you felt safe (protected) or cared for....It is like there is a 'silent' law that was laid down in the house, "Don't make me (Dad) mad or I will hurt you." I would be frightened out of my mind. In an environment like that, how could you learn about forgiveness? How could you learn to forgive other people's mistakes when no one would forgive yours? When your greatest role model (DAD) was a bully?

I only think like this because I want to make sense out of my reluctance to forgive. I don't want to think that I was born like this...that this is in my genes...or that my brain is defective....it's not.......I just learned how to adapt to my environment. I learned how to survive but growing a hard thick skin......That skin helped me when I was young (When I thought I was going to do something wrong......I would yell at myself, "I hate myself. I hate myself. I wish I was dead!" I would yell at myself over and over......It kept me out of trouble because I did not do anything when I was home...I would just watch tv but it also stopped me from living my life.).....but now as an adult, this strategy is not adaptive anymore.Actually, it is doing more harm than good.

 

[Orlando]

Blankmind,

I agree that we probably cannot pinpoint 'the ultimate cause' of our Social Phobia....however, we can probe multiple factors that may have influenced it (or maybe started it).

I just thinking here....But what does hearing your mother getting slapped in the next room say to you as a child? It doesn't sound to me that you felt safe (protected) or cared for....It is like there is a 'silent' law that was laid down in the house, "Don't make me (Dad) mad or I will hurt you." I would be frightened out of my mind. In an environment like that, how could you learn about forgiveness? How could you learn to forgive other people's mistakes when no one would forgive yours? When your greatest role model (DAD) was a bully?

I only think like this because I want to make sense out of my reluctance to forgive. I don't want to think that I was born like this...that this is in my genes...or that my brain is defective....it's not.......I just learned how to adapt to my environment. I learned how to survive but growing a hard thick skin......That skin helped me when I was young (When I thought I was going to do something wrong......I would yell at myself, "I hate myself. I hate myself. I wish I was dead!" I would yell at myself over and over......It kept me out of trouble because I did not do anything when I was home...I would just watch tv but it also stopped me from living my life.).....but now as an adult, this strategy is not adaptive anymore.Actually, it is doing more harm than good.

 

[blankmind]

i know what you mean,
when i was a kid and when i was a teenager,i used to spend most of my time in my bedroom watching tv,somehow felt safe,better than going outside and facing the world.
and i still prefer to stay at home now,only like you said it's not really practical anymore,but when ever i'm out and there's people about it makes you just want to run home.
i do think it's a broad range of things that make us who we are ,growing up really did'nt help at all.
i wonder if it had all been different what sort of person would i be?
it makes you wonder if a little part of it is in the genes or not.
when my mom and dad split up,my dad tried to commit suicide,i don't think he was serious though because he slit he's wrists and then called my sisters downstairs so that they could call an ambulance!
what kind of farther would let he's kids see him like that?
anyway he was offered to see a phsiciatrist but he said no.
it amazes me that after all he done he did'nt think he had a problem!
that point brings me back to the part about it being in the genes,he had a mental problem i think,well he must have to have done the things he's done,i wonder if its past down to us but in different ways,most of my sister's have problems,one has panic attacks.
i have also got a sister who's in a home ,she's mentally disabled.
my stepdad used to say we have tainted blood running through our vains
i would'nt go that far myself,apart from socialphobia i think i'm queit together.
i have got an appointment with a phsiciatrist in a couple of weeks,so hopefully they can help.