Neighbors

[kiwi]

Has anyone found themselves in the following situation before?

I live in a block of about 20 units/apartments and twice a year the neighbors get together and have a party outside in the common area. I have lived here for over 5 years but do not know any of my neighbors - I've said 'hi' to some of them sometimes but that's all.

They've been holding these parties for the last couple of years, and I've never been to them. I did consider turning up to one once but there's just no way I could do it. None of the people seem like the type of people I could talk to, so if I turned up I would be bored within minutes. If I did go I would be outta there within an hour, tops.

The problem is because the party is virtually just outside my place, I find it too stressful being at home while it's happening. They tend to go from about 5pm to the wee hours so it's a long evening to endure!

What would you guys in if you were in this situation?

 

[kiwi]

Ha, if only I could just go and be 'the life of the party'! If I could then I wouldn't have a problem. Ah well....

The other thing that I hate about the complex I live in is the fact that each unit has a courtyard, and during summer my neighbors like to dine outside. While our courtyards are fenced off from each other, the fence is only about shoulder high, so I find it very awkward and stressful leaving and returning to my front-door when I can hear people next door.

I tend to fiddle with my keys and look down when I'm walking through my courtyard, but because my neighbors can clearly see me I worry that they'll think I'm being unfriendly by not looking over the fence and saying hi. But it's hard because if I do look over and there's a group of them there then I can't say hi anyway because they'll be talking to each other, and I always find it awkward when glancing over at someone and then catching their eye just as you look away.

As I type this I realise how trivial these things are, and how I should just stop worrying about them because there are more important things to worry about. Sigh, if only my brain would listen to itself!

 

[bluenow]

I live have lived at my home for a year with lots of neighbors that get together about once a month. I always go and tell myself if I can't hack it I will leave within an hour. I also don't put pressure on myself to be a social butterfly, but figure I will go even if I sit there without saying a peep.
Every time it get easier and I like them more and more each time. Went today as a matter of fact and actually the fun was a bit higher on the scale than the anxiety.
Unfortunately it is the only way to build friendships. But it's worth it in the end.

 

[kiwi]

I live have lived at my home for a year with lots of neighbors that get together about once a month. I always go and tell myself if I can't hack it I will leave within an hour. I also don't put pressure on myself to be a social butterfly, but figure I will go even if I sit there without saying a peep.

The problem is that if I go and then don't say very much, I end up feeling worse than I do if I don't go at all. I'm using my past experiences at other social events to base this on, such as work functions. In fact, I tend to get very angry when I get bored at these things (at both myself for not being able to fit in, and at everyone else for boring me with whatever they're talking about) and always swear never to put myself in those situations again. With work functions I tend to cave into peer pressure sometimes and still attend them occasionally, and also because sometimes they are enjoyable because I work with the people there everyday.

However in this situation where these people are complete strangers, I have no chance of fitting in. At best, I may be able to make small talk with them for an hour or so, but then if I leave early an go back to my apartment, I would still feel anxious for the whole evening with the rest of them outside partying until the wee hours. I suppose the positive would be that I did show my face, but it's such a huge thing for me to do and I just can't see myself doing it at this stage.

I'm surprised that the two responses I've gotten here so far have both said 'just go'. I thought people with SA found attending social events difficult, if not impossible, to do? Don't tell me that I'm an extreme case!

 

[Horatio]

Welcome fellow Kiwi 8)

I can certainly sympathise with your comments on neighbours having parties. I find it can be rather depressing to be sitting alone in my room all weekend hearing a tonne of people my age have the time of their lives next door...

I'm surprised that the two responses I've gotten here so far have both said 'just go'. I thought people with SA found attending social events difficult, if not impossible, to do? Don't tell me that I'm an extreme case!

no your not an extreme case, you'll find that whilst people with SA have a lot in common with each other there are also a lot of differences, some people find certain activities easier than others and some people struggle in areas where others are fine.

some people here seem to have very succesful relationships which for me seems nigh impossible yet I managed to get a career off the ground which Im sure some others struggle with. Likewise some people find talking over the phone impossible whilst others might really struggle with eating in public.

so you see, some people here on this forum might find it easy to waltz into a party but I assure you that Im not one of them! to go to a party would be very difficult for me, to turn up uninvited would be impossible!

 

[kiwi]

Welcome fellow Kiwi 8)
no your not an extreme case, you'll find that whilst people with SA have a lot in common with each other there are also a lot of differences, some people find certain activities easier than others and some people struggle in areas where others are fine.

Phew, that's good to know. The last thing I needed to find out was that even amongst people with SA I'm weird!

so you see, some people here on this forum might find it easy to waltz into a party but I assure you that Im not one of them! to go to a party would be very difficult for me, to turn up uninvited would be impossible!

Yeah social events are my main problem. Normally I just avoid them and that's that. But this is the first situation since I've left home where I can't just stay home and avoid the party, because the party is literally metres from my apartment!

Do you live in a house or an apartment/unit?

 

[Horatio]

I live in a shared flat with randoms from a newspaper ad and I hate it. It would be so much easier if I had good friends to live with

Ive lived in an apartment unit before which was a little more comfortable but very small living space, on one occasion I had to listen to the couple upstairs have a good time at the same time as the couple in the room next to me AND the room below...

ever seen that Seasame Street skit "Which one of these things just doesnt belong here"?

 

[kiwi]

I live in a shared flat with randoms from a newspaper ad and I hate it. It would be so much easier if I had good friends to live with

Yikes, I could never do that (live with strangers, that is). I take it you don't tend to go out a lot? Do your flatmates ever question you about that, or do you ever feel embarrassed about staying home a lot?

Ive lived in an apartment unit before which was a little more comfortable but very small living space, on one occasion I had to listen to the couple upstairs have a good time at the same time as the couple in the room next to me AND the room below...

ever seen that Seasame Street skit "Which one of these things just doesnt belong here"?

Heh, I can imagine. I'm lucky with the apartment I'm in (terraced house actually) that the soundproofing between each one is great (can't hear anything from either of my neighbours). But there is no soundproofing to the outside world, so even if someone is outside having a conversation it carries right inside. So you can imagine how noisy it would be with a party going on right outside!

So does your SA affect you in your daily life or is it just certain events?

 

[Horatio]

I barely know my flatmates at all, Im always either at my work or occasionly out drinking but more than often Ill be in my room at home. I pretty much keep to myself and dont leave my room at all, sometimes even ordering pizzas and paying the pizza boy through my window just to avoid having to cook in the kitchen in front of flatmates and their friends.. I guess keeping distance like that makes it more bareable, my home has to be a haven and not a warzone in its own right, I need somewhere to escape to when I have to or I would go insane

yes SA effects my daily life, sometimes more than other times. its certainly thanks to SA that I find it excrutiatingly difficult to meet people/make friends/form relationships and having random panic attacks in supermarkets or on the bus is never my idea of fun

 

[legin]

If I were you I would sit outside and see if you are invited into the flow of the party, I have a colleague / friend who emigrated to NZ 2 years ago and came back to the UK when her hubby cheated on her (not for the 1st time), she has found the strength to leave him and buy a place and start a new life with her son, however she is selling up after 7 months and moving back to Ashburton as she found life is more chilled in NZ . She has found that she has made some firm friends in her short time NZ, so bite the bullet and sit outside without pressurising yourself to join in and see how it goes.

Good Luck

 

[FaymeLevy]

my neighbors in my apartment complex do the same thing, a couple times a year. I usually sit in the dark and listen to them have fun.

 

[maggie]

hiya kiwi...don't worry...i would feel the same as you.... where i live out in the country, all of the neighbours have this huge barbeque party every year.... where all the neighbours are invited....and guess where they have it??? right next door to me :x ...and i'm the only one that never goes...for almost 10 years now.....and i feel like a dork, cause if i'm home, i have to hide in my house...if i go outside, they can all see me....but if i stay away, i have to stay away all day..and into the night....but i feel like a freaky outsider cause i haven't accepted their invitation... :roll:

 

[JJenny]

Hi Kiwi I'm a New Zealander too. When I first moved into this house, the neighbours from next door turned up with a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers - eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! I guess it's the Kiwi way of living for a lot of folks but I think given that you live in an apartment building then most people respect the fact that everyone is different and also that personal space and privacy is important and moreso for some than others. So I would not worry about how you are 'appearing' to others. I have lived in places like that in past too and I preferred having a sort of distance and leaving the socialising at the fence line with "Hello, how are you?" or "Well if you need help with anything just sing out" etc, however I always ended up living next door to party people who would not let me out of things and have been very caring. Oh well, it's a heck of a lot better than having neighbours from hell! Don't worry about it, and see how things go.

 

[kiwi]

hiya kiwi...don't worry...i would feel the same as you.... where i live out in the country, all of the neighbours have this huge barbeque party every year.... where all the neighbours are invited....and guess where they have it??? right next door to me :x ...and i'm the only one that never goes...for almost 10 years now.....and i feel like a dork, cause if i'm home, i have to hide in my house...if i go outside, they can all see me....but if i stay away, i have to stay away all day..and into the night....but i feel like a freaky outsider cause i haven't accepted their invitation... :roll:

Thank Godddddd!!!!!!!!!! I was beginning to think I was the only one with this particular problem.

At least since you're in the country I assume you have a reasonable distance between you and your neighbours? Because I live in a terraced house complex (condo's to you Americans), my neighbours are literally right next to me, and the party happens just outside.

I thought about just staying at home all night, but it would just be too stressful. So I usually end up going somewhere all night, but I just feel so bad about it. And the 1 or 2 neighbours that know I exist (ie the ones right next to me on either side) have been here a few years so they'll know that I disappear every time they hold one of these parties.

They must think I'm so afraid of them that I run and hide each time (which is true), or that I'm just too stuck-up to socialise with them. In either case it makes me feel really low inside.

My only hope is that my immediate neighbours sell up and move away, so that I get a new bunch who don't know that I've missed every party so far!

Do you see your neighbours at other times or are you pretty much able to avoid them completely?

 

[kiwi]

my neighbors in my apartment complex do the same thing, a couple times a year. I usually sit in the dark and listen to them have fun.

Yay, someone else who suffers the same problem :wink:

Do they hold the party close to your apartment? It would be too stressful for me to stay inside while the parties going. I would be terrified that someone would see that I'm still home and then come and find out why I'm not at the party!

So I stay away whenever they have these things. Another fear I have in the back of my mind is that because the organiser knows I haven't been to one of these things in the past, he might exclude me when he drops off the flyers in people's mailboxes.

Not that I mind not being invited, but then I won't have any warning as to when the party is and might get caught out one night when I'm at home, or coming home from somewhere, and there's a party going on! That would be unbearable!

 

[kiwi]

Hi Kiwi I'm a New Zealander too. When I first moved into this house, the neighbours from next door turned up with a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers - eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! I guess it's the Kiwi way of living for a lot of folks but I think given that you live in an apartment building then most people respect the fact that everyone is different and also that personal space and privacy is important and moreso for some than others. So I would not worry about how you are 'appearing' to others. I have lived in places like that in past too and I preferred having a sort of distance and leaving the socialising at the fence line with "Hello, how are you?" or "Well if you need help with anything just sing out" etc, however I always ended up living next door to party people who would not let me out of things and have been very caring. Oh well, it's a heck of a lot better than having neighbours from hell! Don't worry about it, and see how things go.

Yeah I guess it's better than having neighbours from hell. I just feel so bad about snubbing them every time. They must think I'm one of these serial-killer loner types, or just very unfriendly. And the fact that all the units are so close together means that I have to walk past my neighbours reasonably often (e.g. going to/from my car, checking mail etc).

And to make it even worse, quite a few of the people who live here (including the couple who live right next to me) seem to have become quite good friends with each other and they frequently stand outside in the common area talking. I find it doubly hard to walk past them when there's a group of them.

Sigh, if only everyone remained strangers then I wouldn't feel like the odd one out....

 

[legin]

:roll:
I feel that there is a fine line between social phobia and being antisocial, avoiding neighbours is social phobia going out of your way and snubbing people is in my view antisocial and unfriendly.

I am as social phobic as the next person but I would never snub anyone if they take the time to say hello I will say hello back but I don’t need to spend a whole lot of time making small talk.

I will go out to party’s from time to time just to keep Mrs Legin happy, I am still a wallflower I hate every moment of being out, and if I can get out of an event I will, but I won’t be rude and turn down all invitations.

I am not proud of my phobia, and I would love to be “normal”, and I am not saying everyone should fit into a set stereotype, but I don’t project myself as a unfriendly sad old gitt.

 

[kiwi]

:roll:
I feel that there is a fine line between social phobia and being antisocial, avoiding neighbours is social phobia going out of your way and snubbing people is in my view antisocial and unfriendly.

I am as social phobic as the next person but I would never snub anyone if they take the time to say hello I will say hello back but I don’t need to spend a whole lot of time making small talk.

Do you think that by me going out whenever they hold one of these parties would be seen as anti-social and unfriendly? Given that my immediate neighbours would know that I don't normally go out a lot, they would probably guess that I'm deliberately avoiding them, wouldn't they?

Sigh, that's what I was worried about :-(

 

[bluenow]

Hey Kiwi - You are not obligated to your neighbors to socialize with them and I don't think it is unfriendly if you decide not to go - even if you stay home and they know you are home. What's to say you aren't home working on a project for school or work, are not feeling well, don't feel in the party mood, etc.

 

[legin]

Kiwi I agree with Bluenow you are not obligated to socialize with your neighbours,
does it really matter to you, if your neighbours think that you are anti-social or unfriendly? I would suspect that you wouldn’t be a topic of conversation apart from a passing comment of not being around. In the original post you asked what would anyone else do , well to put it bluntly I would not sit indoors beating myself up about it, nor would I go out just to avoid it,. if it is an issue year after year then I personally would pop out and say hi and go indoors again when once you find that nothing terrible is going to happen you could try popping out again a little later and build up the time out there If that’s what you want to do, it sounds a pretty informal gathering and you don’t have to
put on your best bib and tucker and force yourself to join in the chatter like some kind of cocktail party, don’t let it get to you.

Oh and Kiwi, I may be in the UK and you are in what is termed here as Gods own country and the best place to live NZ, but after reading this post don’t get all stressed out just give us a smile it’s only a Fu***n post It won’t bite you.