Needing Advice

[Sarah_M]

Hey guys! Long time no post, I hope you’re all well (as well you can be with anxiety, anyway). I realize this might be a problem better suited for a therapist, but I really need help. I have realized over and over again that I have intimacy issues. I keep everyone at arm’s length so I don’t get hurt, but end up hurting the most because I am always left alone. Being alone caters to my anxiety, but ravages my humanity. As much as I tell myself I don’t need anyone as a friend or romantic partner, deep down, I know the opposite is true. I am still a human and need social interaction — I think this might be the missing piece to my happiness. The reason I binge ate in the past and have had a feeling of emptiness that persists over the years. My problem is that I am extremely avoidant. I avoid certain people I feel especially uncomfortable around or those who are too extroverted. Frankly speaking, I deal with my anxiety in ways that make me seem like I have an icy demeanor or am a bitch, really. I don’t like it because it’s not who I am. On the inside, I am always complimenting people. I am wanting to be the first to say “hi”, but let it slip through my fingers because I am anxious. I want to be more friendly, open and relaxed, but can’t get past my “default settings”, so to speak. I also think part of the problem is worthiness. I think most people don’t want anything to do with me, especially if they get to know me because I was brainwashed by my parents to think that for some inherent reason I am a terrible person and should always feel guilty for existing. All of this has been particularly apparent over the past year as I have developed very strong feelings for someone, but can never approach him. I don’t think I am good enough for him because I have anxiety issues, daddy issues, no friends, primitive social skills and am not physically attractive enough (I have lost a lot of weight, so my body is embarrassing). I don’t want to wait to date him or anyone else until I can afford plastic surgery, so something has to change. Further, this is a problem because even if we were dating, who wants to be with someone so insecure? I would ruin it. I guess what I am asking is: how can I boost my confidence/self-esteem? How can I change my automatic behaviors so I stop avoiding people and social interactions? How can I be more normal?
Thank you in advance - I appreciate all of you <3

 

[PugofCrydee]

Hi Sarah! it's great to hear from you again.

Are you getting professional help? Working on the physical aspect of oneself is easy. The real work, the hard stuff is done internally. It's just too hard to be done alone for most people. It's amazing what a good psych can do, the insight they can help you gain. In my opinion it's definitely worth putting in the effort to find a good Psychiatrist and working with them long term. Besides, whats the point of being beautiful on the outside if you feel ugly on the inside?

 

[Sarah_M]

Hey Pug! It’s good to be back, actually - I really missed everyone. Thank you for your input, I know I need to find a counselor. It’s difficult where I live because there is such a mental health crisis. I have left a dozen messages hoping to have someone call back, but a lot of them aren’t accepting new patients as they’re already full up. I know there are online counselors, but I don’t think they accept insurance. I think you have to pay it out of pocket :/

 

[PugofCrydee]

Hey Pug! It’s good to be back, actually - I really missed everyone. Thank you for your input, I know I need to find a counselor. It’s difficult where I live because there is such a mental health crisis. I have left a dozen messages hoping to have someone call back, but a lot of them aren’t accepting new patients as they’re already full up. I know there are online counselors, but I don’t think they accept insurance. I think you have to pay it out of pocket :/

Yea that makes it tough, but keep at it you'll find someone eventually. I'd definitely advise seeing someone face to face rather than online if you can too.
Here in Oz it's pretty easy to get in to see a psych - maybe a 2 week wait in most cases. I was paying $220.00 a weekly session for a while there.. so it's pretty expensive but absolutely worth it if you can find the right Psychologist.

During my last bunch of visits I learned a lot about myself, why I do things and react the way I do. When I began to get an understanding of these things it made it a lot easier to make inroads and change the things about my interactions with other people that I didn't like about myself. Not understanding oneself is probably the biggest roadblock to making change in my opinion. Sure, some days are still rough but less so now. And when I am having those bad days, I have an awareness and understand why.

I've come to understand I'm not broken or faulty. When I was young, in response to stresses placed on me I developed psychologically protective survival behaviors - which indeed helped me survive. But now I'm no longer needing those behaviors they... get in the way and have led me to feeling isolated, keeping people at arms length, trust issues, and a heap of other things lol. The behaviors that saved me now hurt me.

So things have gotten better for me in the last year. I know if I can make inroads, anyone can

 

[Sarah_M]

Yea that makes it tough, but keep at it you'll find someone eventually. I'd definitely advise seeing someone face to face rather than online if you can too.
Here in Oz it's pretty easy to get in to see a psych - maybe a 2 week wait in most cases. I was paying $220.00 a weekly session for a while there.. so it's pretty expensive but absolutely worth it if you can find the right Psychologist.

During my last bunch of visits I learned a lot about myself, why I do things and react the way I do. When I began to get an understanding of these things it made it a lot easier to make inroads and change the things about my interactions with other people that I didn't like about myself. Not understanding oneself is probably the biggest roadblock to making change in my opinion. Sure, some days are still rough but less so now. And when I am having those bad days, I have an awareness and understand why.

I've come to understand I'm not broken or faulty. When I was young, in response to stresses placed on me I developed psychologically protective survival behaviors - which indeed helped me survive. But now I'm no longer needing those behaviors they... get in the way and have led me to feeling isolated, keeping people at arms length, trust issues, and a heap of other things lol. The behaviors that saved me now hurt me.

So things have gotten better for me in the last year. I know if I can make inroads, anyone can

Thank you for sharing your experience. I know this is something I need to do. I have good insurance so it should only cost me $25/session if they’re in my network. I have gone to therapy on and off throughout my life and it has helped - it has just never been long enough to see major improvement. I’m really happy to hear that things have gotten better for you over the last year, Pug. You deserve that kind of happiness; you’re a good person

 

[lily]

Hi Sarah_M, I am currently approaching my eye contact anxiety issue by praying to God/the Lord about it constantly, sometimes I think I'm better, sometimes I'm like 'Oh I'm in square 1 again?!' I have very few online friends I would consider online friends but those few I cherish, God gave them to me to like me and for me to like them back. I would like to be friends w/ Ads7800 but he has not come back. As for a boyfriend, I have never had one and I feel I have to rush to get one and it's not that no one likes me but it's hard to find a Christian boyfriend that's for me but I'm waiting on God to provide that for me, that it will come and you will know it. I'm sorry for your loneliness. I feel lonely too and I understand it.

 

[Sarah_M]

Hi Sarah_M, I am currently approaching my eye contact anxiety issues by praying to God/the Lord about it constantly, sometimes I think I'm better, sometimes I'm like 'Oh I'm in square 1 again?!' I have very few online friends I would consider online friends but those few I cherish, God gave them to me to like me and for me to like them back. I would like to be friends w/ Ads7800 but he has not come back. As for a boyfriend, I have never had one and I feel I have to rush to get one and it's not that no one likes me but it's hard to find a Christian boyfriend that's for me but I'm waiting on God to provide that for me, that it will come and you will know it. I'm sorry for your loneliness. I feel lonely too and I understand it.

Thank you Lily, I appreciate your response. I’m happy to hear that your faith in God is helping you cope with anxiety and feelings of loneliness; those are both difficult to live with. I am not a particularly religious person myself, however I do believe that everything happens for a reason and divine timing, so I can relate in that regard. I have been thinking about it a lot and have realized that sometimes the best thing to do in just let go and stop attaching yourself to the outcome. Everything will come out in the wash.

 

[Hoth]

I think often the problem is trying to control things that shouldn't be up to you. He's the one who should decide if your various issues are a problem for him. Your role should be to be open with him, express how you feel, be glad to make him feel good via the compliment, and be ready to accept rejection gracefully if it comes. Then you both get to move on.

But trying to be a perfectionist and control the outcome just sabotages a lot of things, or prevents moving on to other interactions/relationships you might "win" at.

 

[Sarah_M]

I think often the problem is trying to control things that shouldn't be up to you. He's the one who should decide if your various issues are a problem for him. Your role should be to be open with him, express how you feel, be glad to make him feel good via the compliment, and be ready to accept rejection gracefully if it comes. Then you both get to move on.

But trying to be a perfectionist and control the outcome just sabotages a lot of things, or prevents moving on to other interactions/relationships you might "win" at.

Thank you so much for this. That’s some sage advice. I feel like that’s what anxiety is: control. You’re certainly right, though - I keep “storytelling” as my sister says. I really don’t know how he feels or will react to me, I just keep assuming; it’s making us both look bad. I keep pinging between people hoping for life changing advice on the situation, but there is none. Everyone keeps saying more or less the same thing: I need to shoot my shot and accept the consequences good or bad.

 

[lily]

Thank you Lily, I appreciate your response. I’m happy to hear that your faith in God is helping you cope with anxiety and feelings of loneliness; those are both difficult to live with. I am not a particularly religious person myself, however I do believe that everything happens for a reason and divine timing, so I can relate in that regard. I have been thinking about it a lot and have realized that sometimes the best thing to do in just let go and stop attaching yourself to the outcome. Everything will come out in the wash.

You're welcome Sarah_M. I think a way that you'll get into a relationship as you have before is to not expect whoever you date or marry to be everything you want but to enjoy it and trust your instincts to see if there are red flags and definitely talk about it if you think there are red flags and if you still feel there are red flags, you can break up with your boyfriend but if not, just enjoy the ride.

 

[Dan_St1983]

Hey guys! Long time no post, I hope you’re all well (as well you can be with anxiety, anyway). I realize this might be a problem better suited for a therapist, but I really need help. I have realized over and over again that I have intimacy issues. I keep everyone at arm’s length so I don’t get hurt, but end up hurting the most because I am always left alone. Being alone caters to my anxiety, but ravages my humanity. As much as I tell myself I don’t need anyone as a friend or romantic partner, deep down, I know the opposite is true. I am still a human and need social interaction — I think this might be the missing piece to my happiness. The reason I binge ate in the past and have had a feeling of emptiness that persists over the years. My problem is that I am extremely avoidant. I avoid certain people I feel especially uncomfortable around or those who are too extroverted. Frankly speaking, I deal with my anxiety in ways that make me seem like I have an icy demeanor or am a bitch, really. I don’t like it because it’s not who I am. On the inside, I am always complimenting people. I am wanting to be the first to say “hi”, but let it slip through my fingers because I am anxious. I want to be more friendly, open and relaxed, but can’t get past my “default settings”, so to speak. I also think part of the problem is worthiness. I think most people don’t want anything to do with me, especially if they get to know me because I was brainwashed by my parents to think that for some inherent reason I am a terrible person and should always feel guilty for existing. All of this has been particularly apparent over the past year as I have developed very strong feelings for someone, but can never approach him. I don’t think I am good enough for him because I have anxiety issues, daddy issues, no friends, primitive social skills and am not physically attractive enough (I have lost a lot of weight, so my body is embarrassing). I don’t want to wait to date him or anyone else until I can afford plastic surgery, so something has to change. Further, this is a problem because even if we were dating, who wants to be with someone so insecure? I would ruin it. I guess what I am asking is: how can I boost my confidence/self-esteem? How can I change my automatic behaviors so I stop avoiding people and social interactions? How can I be more normal?
Thank you in advance - I appreciate all of you <3

I once heard a saying that goes,"If you think you need help, you do." Sounds like you have some trauma issues going on from your childhood there, which I can relate to. It's really tough to sort this kind of thing out because it can be several issues going on at once (as is my case).