Kingdave
Well-known member
Ugh!! boy do i have a story for you. im just sitting here with a medium range headahce......something thats been common for the past couple of weeks ive been in the house. the only time i leave is when i want run to the store for my sister or, get something. when i come home i always wonder if i made a fool out of myself. but its like combat back and forth..its getting better though. i think, but how would i know im tryna figure out if im crazy or not. well basicly here is my story. when i was little i had a little incident with my brothers, i dunno ive come to figure maybe i was the cause of this. it started with humpin and from there i ended up getting my older brother in a room with me....i almost gave him oral sex but stopped before i could and ran into my mothers room to ask her if i had to be homosecual because of this...well not the perfect mother she is...but after a couple days of goin back and forth she finally yelled at me "your not gay"!!! i accepted it. she never spoke to my brothers about it. still afterwards i still had some questions so i asked my brothers and sisters and one of my sisters told me maybe i was bisexual so.....i accepted it. went sat down thought about it.......decided i wasnt because whats the purpose of it if im not really attracted to men. i decided i wasnt bi. also its a sin in christianity to sleep with another man so another reason i wasnt. but when it comes down to it i really dont wanna be gay, or bi. this all occured in homeschool. well my mom left my dad and my 2 brothers and sisters and moved out. put us in elementary school. i started 5th grade. i was always shy nervous. shaky infront of class. well anyway i always obsessed about stuff even in homeschool like if i touched an old book or went to a nursering home i mite have to hold my breath or keep washing my hands. i got depressed because i didnt know if god was coming back and he could comeback any day so i always was depressed about this. so as i went through school i met ppl usually the underdogs i guess and we made friends i kept a close circle overtime it grew ppl came and went but still a small circle. but i always even if occasionally questioned myself. well 10th grade high school i started smoking weed. i remember it was a decision i made. i was sitting around playing halo with my freinds who at this point igot tired of because we would do the same old thing just play halo every weekend. i never did my work in school for some reason. so i said ' should i try to meet new ppl and relly try to focus on school or hang with the same people and smoke weed....well i obviously made the wrong decision. started smoking, i fell off got even worse socially became a pot head really.....i am attractive but im not good with girls at all except if we are alone. im not comfortable talking to them around alot of people....unless i know them. but how can i know them if....im not good.would take a peak for no reason. i would look in the mirror and my body seemed like it was shaped weird my chest kinda stuck out. i was in school and this dude i hung out with asked me why i looked like someone who was about to be gay, i said what? he said the way i walk and stuff was feminine i dont fully remember...i asked em later he said becuz i dont talk to girls even though i could get em and dont talk to much ppl, but when he said this he seemed like he questioned himself a little...it was weird.....i dunno if he said this to me becuz he questioned himself or was it me....i dont know but since that they i stiffened my walk up i thought it looked gay or something.....another thing that made melook dum in school i was walking around tryna change my walk.....someone actually mentioned it to me in 12th grade. i thought it showed feminineness to it. throughout the time i was hanging with my friends i would have my occasion homo thought and then in my head say no im not im not gay im not gay, so i took interest in gay porn....not much at first it wasnt arrousing but over tiem every not and then i anyway i was hanging with the wrong people all my life. im stupid some how i ended up wanting one of my friends to come on to me. the whole time i knew i was gonna say no......i guess it was because iquestion myself and i thought maybe it would all be over i mean i knew i wasnt gay rite? i thought he was because alot of the things he did made it look like he was bi like he did alot of gay stuff always exposed his dick, licking stuff infront of me....asked me if i was gay....humping other boys all this and also getting 2 close to me and in my face sometimes. anyway i was smoking weed at this time also....he didnt come on to me like a serious serious way i mean it was times when it was kinda close i guess but not like naked or nothing but one day he invited me in his house i said no......(id been to his house plenty of times but this time it seemed like he was gonna come on to me so.....) i know its dum.anyway after that we still hung out....he did alot of weird stuff like biting his lip and stuff and he always was calling me and coming to my house to hang. at school it got worse. i ended up thinking noone wanted tobe freinds with me something i already thought because i didnt act like them. later it turned into everywhere i went almost someone was talking about me calling me gay. so i really couldnt make freinds. i dunno ocd or wat i dunno if it was real but i still hear voices id unno if people are really talkinb about me or not. somehow i graduated on time. went home decided it was nothing wrong with me looked at my walk in the mirror and i realised it had no feminine ness to it.....like wtf....i ended up walking with my legs apart i know it sounds stupid but i thought it was normal but it wasnt like it was space between my legs i did this for 3 months it drew alot of attention to me but i felt real manly...........when iwas in school it seemed like my friends didnt really want to be friends with me and none did except a couple ppl but then it seemed like i wasnt confortable with myself a little also......i dont know if most of this is real like icant prove everyone talked about me but i was always paranoid so maybe i made myself beleive it.....then mywalk so id unno some ppl did though....its crazy. well i ended up walking with my legs apart through have of my first semester in community college.....yeh i got into this college...i wanna do something with my life. im not gay....id ont want to be gay....but yeh anyway. oh yeh i met this girl at the end of school year i mean i knew her but finally got wit her i had gotten my license. she wasnt the girl for me but i went with her anyway. i got sex from her....it was nice ic ant give her much credit she ended up cheating on me and giving me chlamydia......watever though i cant say ididnt expect it fromher.......but yeh anyway it hoguht all my friends talked about me this other boy is gay i think he tried to get me to do it to him....so id unno i partly think they tried to turn me bi. but i dunno. sooooo now ive stopped hanging with them i just stopped going outside decided im better offr alone ive been in the house occasional visit from old friends but idunno if is should hang with them. i obsess about cancer no for some reason like if someone in my family or me will get it and ig et headaches almost evereyday now kinda.......ummmm i act kinda weird i guss tryna find myself.....i dont know....my walk is normal now......im just chillen in thehouse.......i dont hang with them no more.........dunno if is hould or not dont knowi f most of what it hought was being said about me was really being said dont know what to do............just me.......this netbook..........and my headache.
whats wrong with me???
whats wrong with me???
( and one was 'psychologically addicted' and really 'needed' it to sort of even come close to calm down and relax...