My mental saboteur

[scrumblebee]

I suffer from extreme anxiety when it comes to most forms of interaction with people I don't know, especially when I have to make a phone call and actually interact (ordering pizza and things like that are fine since they're so scripted and brief). I notice that one of the ways I can counter the anxiety is a sense of preparedness. So if I have to call someone, I try to write down everything I need to say (in keywords) beforehand. My problem, however, is I feel like I have a sort of mental saboteur, or that my brain essentially works against itself by screwing up scripted lines or sentences. If I plan something out in my head, I manage to botch it. Ever called someone and said "Hey <yourname> this is <theirname>"? I do that frequently

Does anyone else ever feel like their mind works in a sort of self defeating fashion when it comes to social interaction? More specifically, do you feel like even when you prepare what you want to say it's doesn't end up the way you intended?

 

[Elenwen]

I do similar things, though I can't even order a pizza, heh. I get really flustered and mix up my words and stumble over them. When I get very nervous or excited I have a hard time speaking, even when I'm just talking to my boyfriend. So when I'm on the phone, an activity that already makes me nervous, I tend to stumble a lot, and then the fact that I stumbled flusters me even more and it just snowballs from there. It's nearly always a disaster. In my case, I don't think it's self-sabotage, it's just that my brain gets overloaded and I screw up. One instance that I can think of is when I had to call up a Home Depot to ask about a specific broom, and when the customer service lady connected me to the wrong department I got so flustered that I said I had the wrong number and hung up--even though customer service had to transfer me and the person surely knew that I couldn't have possibly called that department direct!

I've tried writing lists, which helps me keep what I'm supposed to be talking about in mind, but I talk so fast that the words come out in a rush and the person asks me to repeat myself while I'm moving onto the next subject, which flusters me more and I forget about the list. I've also tried flash card type things, where I sit and write down every possible way the conversation might lead, which seems to help a bit.

 

[Krista]

It's funny that you can order a pizza, other things like that because that's the exact opposite of what I can do. I can't even call information for a number when all I have to do is say the place and city and state. I end up feeling so pressured that one time I just said something random to the operator, she asked me to repeat myself so I hung up on her...only to call her back because I needed that damn number, lol.

I think because we feel like there's going to be so much pressure in doing this situation our minds immediately ready itself, we're so caught up in worrying that we kinda can't function. In turn, things come out wrong because of the stress. As for the self defeating train of thought...very much so. I believe that my negativity of myself has been the way I've thought for so long I can think no other way sometimes. I'm getting better but in most cases for instance, if I had to go somewhere with other people I would have very high anxiety. In my head I had decided that these people have already made up their mind about me, they won't like me so by the time I got there I was in this depressed state. Of course no one wanted to talk to me, it's an endless cycle that's hard to break.

 

[Nack]

Forget pizza, I can't even talk to high school friends on the phone. It just freaks me out, especially the quietness. I don't know how people can endure the silent.

 

[Elenwen]

Forget pizza, I can't even talk to high school friends on the phone. It just freaks me out, especially the quietness. I don't know how people can endure the silent.

I know! My parents have completely given up on talking to me on the phone because I just can't do it. They just talk to me through email/myspace. I always feel so awkward, I mean, once the "So how's life been going" and they go into theirs, and then I stutter through, "Oh I've been all right, still healthy," then what are you supposed to say? I just don't understand how people can talk on the phone. It's terrifying.

 

[Krista]

Hmm, I don't know if that's why I don't talk on the phone period but I never considered it. I couldn't begin to tell you my disdain for telephones..I could care less about talking on the phone with people, it's a waste of my time and I don't care enough to make up topics to talk about I suppose.

I do enjoy watching people my own age get the shocked look on their face when they ask for a cell phone number. Don't have one, don't want one. Why would I, you'd be calling me all the damn time.

 

[scrumblebee]

I do enjoy watching people my own age get the shocked look on their face when they ask for a cell phone number. Don't have one, don't want one. Why would I, you'd be calling me all the damn time.

Here, here!

I feel like a "logical" phone user, where I can call when there are direct, answerable questions and an end goal. When it's just talking to talk, or even small talk intermixed in an otherwise straight forward call, I don't get it, and I struggle. Trying to prepare in those cases typically just backfires because it's then apparent that I'm not speaking off the top of my head when I screw up, which worsens the situation.

I can barely talk to family members without feeling awkward, and really only talk to my best friend of over 10 years online or in person. Never over the phone. I end up feeling like Paul Rudd's character from I Love You Man, where by the end of it I just want to give up on talking and put my head down. ::

 

[Elenwen]

Trying to prepare in those cases typically just backfires because it's then apparent that I'm not speaking off the top of my head when I screw up, which worsens the situation.

Ha, once when I was talking to my dad on the phone he asked me how my boyfriend's daughter was doing and I went off on a long (scripted) explanation of how my last doctor's appointment went. That was embarrassing. ::

My boyfriend has suggested that I pretend to call people and make small talk, and I've done it quite a bit. I still haven't managed to actually call anyone and make small talk, but I've moved up in my imaginary conversations from calling complete strangers and making small talk to calling a friend and making small talk. Maybe that would help?

 

[scrumblebee]

My boyfriend has suggested that I pretend to call people and make small talk, and I've done it quite a bit. I still haven't managed to actually call anyone and make small talk, but I've moved up in my imaginary conversations from calling complete strangers and making small talk to calling a friend and making small talk. Maybe that would help?

I'm really in awe of people who are capable of maintaining small talk without a sense of awkwardness. I feel like an alien thinking "How does this human's brain work? I must know!"

 

[Elenwen]

Hahaha, I seriously thought I was the only one that had so much trouble with small talk. I HATE it. No one really cares about the weather, do they? Or how some distant relative that you've never met is in a fight with some other distant relative that you never even heard of? It boggles my mind how much time my stepmother can spend talking about things that I (or anyone!) has no interest in.

 

[scrumblebee]

Hahaha, I seriously thought I was the only one that had so much trouble with small talk. I HATE it. No one really cares about the weather, do they? Or how some distant relative that you've never met is in a fight with some other distant relative that you never even heard of? It boggles my mind how much time my stepmother can spend talking about things that I (or anyone!) has no interest in.

You're definitely not alone. I feel like our current situation, this human one we're in, is so vastly interesting. We really don't know where we came from with any absolute certainty, we don't know what's to come of us or this... existence. Yet here we are, together on a big rock, hurtling through a vast, conceivably infinite universe, and all people want to talk about is the weather? Damn the weather, I want to ask, "what do you think death will be like? If we're only our own consciousness, will I experience a lack of experience?" And there goes my mind, off into the clouds (no pun intended) thinking about things other than current events, sports teams, or weather patterns, leaving me stranded and stumbling in small talk.

 

[jco3]

For a good while I would get panic attacks just from logging onto Facebook... yeah, it was pretty bad. I have a tough time doing things like exchanging money with a cashier - I get nervous that I'm going to mess something up.

 

[scrumblebee]

For a good while I would get panic attacks just from logging onto Facebook... yeah, it was pretty bad. I have a tough time doing things like exchanging money with a cashier - I get nervous that I'm going to mess something up.

Oh man I'm with you on that one! I've had several instances where I attempted to hold the cash in a way where it was out flat so the cashier could grab the other end, but I couldn't quite get it right and ended up making it totally apparent how awkward and nervous I was. I still do that fairly regularly and feel like an ass every time Calling for pizza is one thing, answering the door really triggers a fair bit of anxiety for me for that very reason usually.

 

[Elenwen]

My boyfriend has to pay the cashiers, ha. I busy myself putting the bags into the cart and avoiding eye contact.