kuze
Well-known member
Everyday is the same, nothing to do, lately I've just been online all day. In the day is very aweful because everyone is working or at school so I'm usually in near empty chat rooms exchanging hi's and how are you's. This type of loneliness destroys me, sometimes I feel like I could cry because of it. It's a lonesome problem because nobody ever really knows how lonely and sad you are. This hurts me so much because I know I will have to live like this for another 2 years atleast, I don't know if you can actually call this living. I go on facebook and see long lost friends still together smiling, having fun, enjoying life and I just want to die sometimes. The buddhists say that your life is affected by what you did in your past life, I don't know what the fuck I must have did in my past life but it must have been pretty bad for things to be like this. Even online people develop friendships, ppl just know me by name when they see me, because of this fucking loneliness I have nothing in common with anyone, no stories to tell, nothing to share. Right now I'm a true social outcast, a depressive recluse, I don't know why I choose to live, there's no real use for me in this world. It's like groundhog day everyday for the past 6 years, I've missed on so much stuff that makes life worth living. I mean, does it make sense to live just to live? People live because of love, friendship, because they do something they love, they contribute something to the world. Does it make sense to just wake up everyday just to wake up? I know that things aren't going to get better for a long time, so I just have to brace myself for many more days like this, i hate this. I don't want to kill myself because I'm scared of whatever is out there and I don't want to hurt my loved ones, but I'm definitely not happy being here. I don't want to be scaring ppl with suicide threats, I just don't feel happy right now, all of this is so frustrating. Why couldn't have had just one friend this entire time? All these years by myself, I don't want to do too many more, it's too hard.[/code]