StonersAgony
Member
Hello, I'm a 22 year old male. I have social anxiety and ADHD also, I wouldn't be surprised if had OCPD and (or) mild autism too. My life feels like hell. I feel trapped inside myself and mentally sub par to everyone who doesn't have similar problems.
I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I was very shy and anxious in school. I managed to make friends but, always felt awkward and never made eye contact with people I didn't know extremely well. I developed some close friends in middle school. Me and my friends would hang out after school and eventually. (around 14) I began using alcohol and marijuana. It was never an issue (IMO) or a day to day thing. Just some weekend partying.
Most of my close friends where extroverts ironically. I like extroverts because I don't like starting conversations or meeting new people. When I'm with an outgoing person, they always break the ice for me. Plus, they rub off on me and get me to open up more. I had roughly 5 decent years with them until I moved away at age 17. I still had my closest friend (also my cousin) around until recently.
After moving away and dropping out of school I began to isolate myself even more. I was always quite and insecure and after losing my friends, dropping out of school and moving to a small town with nothing interesting to do, I became a gamer. I was playing games before but, between friends and school, it wasn't nearly as frequent.
Gaming keeps me distracted and entertained, but It puts me further into isolation and worsens my SA. Gaming gets old after awhile so after a couple years, (19 now) I made a plan to get my GED, take college courses online, get a student loan,, buy a car, get an associates degree, get a job, and get out of this town. Currently, I'm at the "get a job" part of this thing. I have to pay back student loans now but, there are some things holding me back from getting a job. I'm not going into the main reason but, part of it is because of my insecurity and SA. I still live with my mother and my family is poor white trash TBH. I won't be getting any financial help from them.
I've been spending my days alone in my room. Smoking pot, playing games, day dreaming, pacing in circles and watching TV shows. I have a love/hate relationship with weed. It temporarily helps my depression and takes my mind off of my insecurity's but, makes me want to isolate myself and worsens my social anxiety. I know that it's probably part of the problem, even though I've had these problems all my life. However, without it, I get upset and depressed about my life. Weed, games and TV shows are the only way I can cope with having no friends and no social life. I just don't know what to do with myself on a day to day basis. I'm too shy to just go out and socialize. I don't even know my neighbors names and I've had them for 2 years. Hell, I've never even asked a girl out. I'm still a virg and that might be my biggest insecurity. Had a few dates back in highschool but, only because they asked me.
I'm self centered. People with social anxiety are inherently self centered IMO. We are always obsessing over ourselves and how others see us. Speaking of obsessing, I also have obsessive thoughts. Different things come and go but, the most consistent are about my appearance. I obsess over my flaws. It's all I see when I look at myself. I'm insecure and subconsciously, I think that I need to be perfect to be confident but, logically, I know that I need nothing to be confident. What I feel and what I believe never sync up.
I started going to therapy recently and so far I've haven't made any real progress. Partly because my anxiety stops me from saying some of the things I want to and the ADHD causes me to forget the rest. I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon and I'm hopeful that they will prescribe me something that helps me out of this hole. I occasionally use Phenibut and it helps a lot but, has It's drawbacks. Alcohol use to help but, these days, it just makes me more depressed.
By now you should have the jest of me and my life so I'm going to stop rambling. I wish good luck to everyone with similar issues and I hope this post helped you somehow. Things might work out for me in the end. Moving away from my friends actually did have a few benifits. There are things I probably wouldn't have done without the isolation. Like furthering my education, making a plan towards being independent and trying to improve my mental health. Always a bright side to everything I guess.
I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I was very shy and anxious in school. I managed to make friends but, always felt awkward and never made eye contact with people I didn't know extremely well. I developed some close friends in middle school. Me and my friends would hang out after school and eventually. (around 14) I began using alcohol and marijuana. It was never an issue (IMO) or a day to day thing. Just some weekend partying.
Most of my close friends where extroverts ironically. I like extroverts because I don't like starting conversations or meeting new people. When I'm with an outgoing person, they always break the ice for me. Plus, they rub off on me and get me to open up more. I had roughly 5 decent years with them until I moved away at age 17. I still had my closest friend (also my cousin) around until recently.
After moving away and dropping out of school I began to isolate myself even more. I was always quite and insecure and after losing my friends, dropping out of school and moving to a small town with nothing interesting to do, I became a gamer. I was playing games before but, between friends and school, it wasn't nearly as frequent.
Gaming keeps me distracted and entertained, but It puts me further into isolation and worsens my SA. Gaming gets old after awhile so after a couple years, (19 now) I made a plan to get my GED, take college courses online, get a student loan,, buy a car, get an associates degree, get a job, and get out of this town. Currently, I'm at the "get a job" part of this thing. I have to pay back student loans now but, there are some things holding me back from getting a job. I'm not going into the main reason but, part of it is because of my insecurity and SA. I still live with my mother and my family is poor white trash TBH. I won't be getting any financial help from them.
I've been spending my days alone in my room. Smoking pot, playing games, day dreaming, pacing in circles and watching TV shows. I have a love/hate relationship with weed. It temporarily helps my depression and takes my mind off of my insecurity's but, makes me want to isolate myself and worsens my social anxiety. I know that it's probably part of the problem, even though I've had these problems all my life. However, without it, I get upset and depressed about my life. Weed, games and TV shows are the only way I can cope with having no friends and no social life. I just don't know what to do with myself on a day to day basis. I'm too shy to just go out and socialize. I don't even know my neighbors names and I've had them for 2 years. Hell, I've never even asked a girl out. I'm still a virg and that might be my biggest insecurity. Had a few dates back in highschool but, only because they asked me.
I'm self centered. People with social anxiety are inherently self centered IMO. We are always obsessing over ourselves and how others see us. Speaking of obsessing, I also have obsessive thoughts. Different things come and go but, the most consistent are about my appearance. I obsess over my flaws. It's all I see when I look at myself. I'm insecure and subconsciously, I think that I need to be perfect to be confident but, logically, I know that I need nothing to be confident. What I feel and what I believe never sync up.
I started going to therapy recently and so far I've haven't made any real progress. Partly because my anxiety stops me from saying some of the things I want to and the ADHD causes me to forget the rest. I'm seeing a psychiatrist soon and I'm hopeful that they will prescribe me something that helps me out of this hole. I occasionally use Phenibut and it helps a lot but, has It's drawbacks. Alcohol use to help but, these days, it just makes me more depressed.
By now you should have the jest of me and my life so I'm going to stop rambling. I wish good luck to everyone with similar issues and I hope this post helped you somehow. Things might work out for me in the end. Moving away from my friends actually did have a few benifits. There are things I probably wouldn't have done without the isolation. Like furthering my education, making a plan towards being independent and trying to improve my mental health. Always a bright side to everything I guess.
Last edited:
