Falkor
1
Hi,
I don't feel really well at the moment ,at these moments i realise my difficulties and than i feel hurt and sad. It's so bad, that I start to feel belly ache, hyperventilation, and start to feel tensed. I really hate this feeling.
I will tell you how it started.
Today I forgot a date with friends, I made a bike tour with my grandparents and i totally forgot that i had a date with my 2 friends. While cycling with my grannies, i was feeling self concious when people walked by, but i was talking talking talking, i did that because i wanted to be distracted. and im not afraid to start a conversation with my grandparents, actually im not afraid to say anything. when i came home, i was shocked, my parents both were unhappy and they said, you forgot your date with friends. I saw their look on their face and i was about to die. I just cant stand these emotions, i make it bigger than it is, but i feel like theyre about to punish me , but of course they wouldnt.
They said they wanted to warn me, because i can lose my friends when this happens (because in the past i canceled dates alot, because i was too afraid to go, because of social anxiety, but at this time i really forgot it..)
It was a pain in my heart to hear this, as a constant worry-er, i got thoughts like ''oh no, my friends are judging me, they will think im a stupid girl who does not take any efford in our friendship'' , and i thought this ''I'm so different than all the others, ****ing anxiety!!! i want to live my life'' It's just so pathetic. And sad at the same time.
But the last few months i force myself more to go to dates with friends, i actually dont cancel them at all, so that is positive. but still it brings me anxiety like hell. Nerves, are killing me.
But mostly it works out great, it was a great date looking back, in general i mean. what they think of the situation. but in my body, i feel so weak and shaking on my legs, that i cannot really enjoy dates. they dont even notice that, i try to hide it, and so they dont even notice a thing. But i think thats so much better than complaining all the time
My parents said, dont cry about that!!! just be easy do it !! just do it.
but why do they say its so easy? that hurts me like ****. i always have tears in my eyes when they say that, oh god. please understand the way anxiety works, but of course, they want to let me see it on a different view, but it is NOT easy!!!!! It never will be.. or should it? I hope so.
I texted my friends apologizing how bad i felt about that i forgot our date and they told me its okay, i wont ever lose them as friends, they know that im insecure and that i cant help that. thank god.
Tomorrow i have a date with another friend, she was from my old school, and im thinking now like.. WHY?! did i make that date, while im so afraid to do that, meeting someone, again. But still i really want to see my friends, i cant live without friends, while at the same time im so scared.
But why. why. do i need to be so different, i mean because of social anxiety i didnt even graduate, i dont have a job, people think i have no motivation, while i have sooo many ambitions!!! I want to make them true, but i cant.
I want to do it all by myself, but im just a little afraid figure.
Well, i just wanted to write this off my mind, it kinda helped me.
xx
I don't feel really well at the moment ,at these moments i realise my difficulties and than i feel hurt and sad. It's so bad, that I start to feel belly ache, hyperventilation, and start to feel tensed. I really hate this feeling.
I will tell you how it started.
Today I forgot a date with friends, I made a bike tour with my grandparents and i totally forgot that i had a date with my 2 friends. While cycling with my grannies, i was feeling self concious when people walked by, but i was talking talking talking, i did that because i wanted to be distracted. and im not afraid to start a conversation with my grandparents, actually im not afraid to say anything. when i came home, i was shocked, my parents both were unhappy and they said, you forgot your date with friends. I saw their look on their face and i was about to die. I just cant stand these emotions, i make it bigger than it is, but i feel like theyre about to punish me , but of course they wouldnt.
They said they wanted to warn me, because i can lose my friends when this happens (because in the past i canceled dates alot, because i was too afraid to go, because of social anxiety, but at this time i really forgot it..)
It was a pain in my heart to hear this, as a constant worry-er, i got thoughts like ''oh no, my friends are judging me, they will think im a stupid girl who does not take any efford in our friendship'' , and i thought this ''I'm so different than all the others, ****ing anxiety!!! i want to live my life'' It's just so pathetic. And sad at the same time.
But the last few months i force myself more to go to dates with friends, i actually dont cancel them at all, so that is positive. but still it brings me anxiety like hell. Nerves, are killing me.
But mostly it works out great, it was a great date looking back, in general i mean. what they think of the situation. but in my body, i feel so weak and shaking on my legs, that i cannot really enjoy dates. they dont even notice that, i try to hide it, and so they dont even notice a thing. But i think thats so much better than complaining all the time
My parents said, dont cry about that!!! just be easy do it !! just do it.
but why do they say its so easy? that hurts me like ****. i always have tears in my eyes when they say that, oh god. please understand the way anxiety works, but of course, they want to let me see it on a different view, but it is NOT easy!!!!! It never will be.. or should it? I hope so.
I texted my friends apologizing how bad i felt about that i forgot our date and they told me its okay, i wont ever lose them as friends, they know that im insecure and that i cant help that. thank god.
Tomorrow i have a date with another friend, she was from my old school, and im thinking now like.. WHY?! did i make that date, while im so afraid to do that, meeting someone, again. But still i really want to see my friends, i cant live without friends, while at the same time im so scared.
But why. why. do i need to be so different, i mean because of social anxiety i didnt even graduate, i dont have a job, people think i have no motivation, while i have sooo many ambitions!!! I want to make them true, but i cant.
I want to do it all by myself, but im just a little afraid figure.
Well, i just wanted to write this off my mind, it kinda helped me.
xx