#1
Hi,
I don't feel really well at the moment ,at these moments i realise my difficulties and than i feel hurt and sad. It's so bad, that I start to feel belly ache, hyperventilation, and start to feel tensed. I really hate this feeling.
I will tell you how it started.
Today I forgot a date with friends, I made a bike tour with my grandparents and i totally forgot that i had a date with my 2 friends. While cycling with my grannies, i was feeling self concious when people walked by, but i was talking talking talking, i did that because i wanted to be distracted. and im not afraid to start a conversation with my grandparents, actually im not afraid to say anything. when i came home, i was shocked, my parents both were unhappy and they said, you forgot your date with friends. I saw their look on their face and i was about to die. I just cant stand these emotions, i make it bigger than it is, but i feel like theyre about to punish me , but of course they wouldnt.
They said they wanted to warn me, because i can lose my friends when this happens (because in the past i canceled dates alot, because i was too afraid to go, because of social anxiety, but at this time i really forgot it..)
It was a pain in my heart to hear this, as a constant worry-er, i got thoughts like ''oh no, my friends are judging me, they will think im a stupid girl who does not take any efford in our friendship'' , and i thought this ''I'm so different than all the others, ****ing anxiety!!! i want to live my life'' It's just so pathetic. And sad at the same time.
But the last few months i force myself more to go to dates with friends, i actually dont cancel them at all, so that is positive. but still it brings me anxiety like hell. Nerves, are killing me.
But mostly it works out great, it was a great date looking back, in general i mean. what they think of the situation. but in my body, i feel so weak and shaking on my legs, that i cannot really enjoy dates. they dont even notice that, i try to hide it, and so they dont even notice a thing. But i think thats so much better than complaining all the time 🙁
My parents said, dont cry about that!!! just be easy do it !! just do it.
but why do they say its so easy? that hurts me like ****. i always have tears in my eyes when they say that, oh god. please understand the way anxiety works, but of course, they want to let me see it on a different view, but it is NOT easy!!!!! It never will be.. or should it? I hope so.
I texted my friends apologizing how bad i felt about that i forgot our date and they told me its okay, i wont ever lose them as friends, they know that im insecure and that i cant help that. thank god.
Tomorrow i have a date with another friend, she was from my old school, and im thinking now like.. WHY?! did i make that date, while im so afraid to do that, meeting someone, again. But still i really want to see my friends, i cant live without friends, while at the same time im so scared.
But why. why. do i need to be so different, i mean because of social anxiety i didnt even graduate, i dont have a job, people think i have no motivation, while i have sooo many ambitions!!! I want to make them true, but i cant.
I want to do it all by myself, but im just a little afraid figure.
Well, i just wanted to write this off my mind, it kinda helped me.
xx
I don't feel really well at the moment ,at these moments i realise my difficulties and than i feel hurt and sad. It's so bad, that I start to feel belly ache, hyperventilation, and start to feel tensed. I really hate this feeling.
I will tell you how it started.
Today I forgot a date with friends, I made a bike tour with my grandparents and i totally forgot that i had a date with my 2 friends. While cycling with my grannies, i was feeling self concious when people walked by, but i was talking talking talking, i did that because i wanted to be distracted. and im not afraid to start a conversation with my grandparents, actually im not afraid to say anything. when i came home, i was shocked, my parents both were unhappy and they said, you forgot your date with friends. I saw their look on their face and i was about to die. I just cant stand these emotions, i make it bigger than it is, but i feel like theyre about to punish me , but of course they wouldnt.
They said they wanted to warn me, because i can lose my friends when this happens (because in the past i canceled dates alot, because i was too afraid to go, because of social anxiety, but at this time i really forgot it..)
It was a pain in my heart to hear this, as a constant worry-er, i got thoughts like ''oh no, my friends are judging me, they will think im a stupid girl who does not take any efford in our friendship'' , and i thought this ''I'm so different than all the others, ****ing anxiety!!! i want to live my life'' It's just so pathetic. And sad at the same time.
But the last few months i force myself more to go to dates with friends, i actually dont cancel them at all, so that is positive. but still it brings me anxiety like hell. Nerves, are killing me.
But mostly it works out great, it was a great date looking back, in general i mean. what they think of the situation. but in my body, i feel so weak and shaking on my legs, that i cannot really enjoy dates. they dont even notice that, i try to hide it, and so they dont even notice a thing. But i think thats so much better than complaining all the time 🙁
My parents said, dont cry about that!!! just be easy do it !! just do it.
but why do they say its so easy? that hurts me like ****. i always have tears in my eyes when they say that, oh god. please understand the way anxiety works, but of course, they want to let me see it on a different view, but it is NOT easy!!!!! It never will be.. or should it? I hope so.
I texted my friends apologizing how bad i felt about that i forgot our date and they told me its okay, i wont ever lose them as friends, they know that im insecure and that i cant help that. thank god.
Tomorrow i have a date with another friend, she was from my old school, and im thinking now like.. WHY?! did i make that date, while im so afraid to do that, meeting someone, again. But still i really want to see my friends, i cant live without friends, while at the same time im so scared.
But why. why. do i need to be so different, i mean because of social anxiety i didnt even graduate, i dont have a job, people think i have no motivation, while i have sooo many ambitions!!! I want to make them true, but i cant.
I want to do it all by myself, but im just a little afraid figure.
Well, i just wanted to write this off my mind, it kinda helped me.
xx