My life as a schizophrenic


Well-known member
I try so hard to block out my paranoia and hallucinations. I am aware of them and I know they aren't real, yet they never leave me alone. I take so many pills just to function. I've gone 2 months without them once before and that landed me to a mental breakdown. My illness will only get worse, I feel it more and more every day. I keep fighting but my god its so difficult to fight. I try to explain to people but I just can't, I feel crazy. Why am I cursed with this illness.

I can already tell I'm going back down the road I escaped from. I used to do drugs, smoke and drink. I've gone back to drinking and smoking. When I told my mother I was smoking again she told me that she thinks I'll go back. It's tempting to go back, but I know if I do I will lose everything. Yet I feel all the good I do have in my life I don't deserve. Soon I will be working at a mental hospital caring for people that are like me, and the whole time I'll be thinking when will I be in there with them.

I am not sure what caused this illness it could have been the drugs, the constant bullying, or something out there really really hates me. I'm just so tired of being called terrible names by these *******s in my head. I just want them to be quiet and stop. Like hell it's gotten to a point where I don't even know the difference between my conscience or voices. Yet I know what are what at the same time cause the voices only try and put me down. Sometimes I hear random noises, sometimes I feel like I'm being touched and it scares the hell out of me.

I get embarrassed when I ask a family member or friend what they said when they didn't say anything. I'm happy that they don't see me when I'm alone. When I'm alone I hear them the most and it's hard for me to concentrate on anything so I try and play video games to try and ignore them.

I did call my doctors office to go see him cause I feel worse and worse and all they did was put me on a waiting list and didn't even give me an appointment or say they were going to call me it was complete bull shit.
I read somewhere in my travels that we all have an "inner critic" (i think it may be the same as our "inner parent", and you know what parents can be like). COULD it be that these harsh voices are just the inner critic (but they differ with you, as you can hear them like normal voices) :question:

Also, i had a mental breakdown a couple years ago, and was hearing voices, noises, music, lights, etc (which i have presumed to be what schizophrenics experience). But the voices were not harsh or angry at all, but were just like 2 people having a quiet casual conversation, right next to me. I couldn't make out any words at all, so i don't know if it was good or bad things they were saying. But i did hear a regular series of clicks at intervals, which at the time i believed to be the sound of a gun barrel being spun, and that they were waiting for me outside my house. To say it freaked me out is an understatement - i was scared for my life, and i called the cops a few times. Then ended up in a mental hospital.