my lastest disappointment after a date

[bulldog21083]

I me a girl on an online dating service. She's 19 and I'm 25. Basically the way the website works is people get matched up and then someone sends questions to the other person. It goes back in forth a few times before you can e-mail them. I had noticed that we were matched up, but since she was 19 I figured she wouldn't want a guy that's 6 years older so I didn't send any questions. To my surprise a few days later she sent me questions. She had a few pictures posted and she was absolutly gorgious. I couldn't believe someone as pretty as her would need to use online dating. So I answered the questions and everything went good. I got her instant messenger so we talked online a couple different times.

So on July 3rd we were talking and I was considering asking her if she wanted to go out on the upcoming weekend. But first I asked her if she had any big plans for the 4th of July. She didn't and asked me if I did. I said nothing, so she suggested that we make plans. I couldn't believe it, I was so happy. We were gonna just go see fireworks, but then she suggested we meet up around noon so we would be well acquainted by the fireworks. I couldn't believe how beautiful she was, by far the prettiest girl that has ever given any attention to me.

She lives about an hour away, so I picked her up, we went out to lunch and she showed me around the city for a bit. Everything was going really good. There wasn't any akward silences or anything. She mentioned the night before that her best friend a a beach house that we could hang out at for awhile. So we headed down there. It was mostly older people (her friends parents and their neighbors) but 4 of her friends were there (2 couples all younger than me). So it was a little akward just cause I was still getting to know her and know there were all these other people I knew nothing about. But I still had fun, I just was shyer around them. I still was able to talk to the girl, but it was difficult to talk to her friends cause they were talking about other friends and high school and stuff like that.

So eventually we went to the fireworks, we rode with her friend and his girlfriend. Everything went pretty good, but again I was still a little shy around her friends. On the way home I worked up the courage to put my arm around her, she seemed to like it cause she scooted a little closer to me.

After that we hung out at the beach house for a little longer and then I drove her home. It was about a 30 minute drive. When we were alone in the car I was a lot more talkative again, and I had my arm around her most of the way back. So we pulled into her driveway and we hugged for a minute. She told me I was a very good hugger, after the hug I leaned in for a kiss. She had recently had a cold and still had slight congestion, but nothing bad. As I leaned in she said she didn't want me to get sick, but I said I didn't care so we kissed. Originally I only wanted a brief kiss, but she didn't pull away so we kissed for a couple minutes. As we were kissing I realized she wasn't a very good kisser but I dind't care. We briefly hugged again after the kiss. I don't remember if it was before or after the kiss, but I asked her if she wanted to hang out again on Sunday (this was on a Friday). She said sure, give me a call. Then as she got out of the car she told me to text her when I got home.

I got home and texted her "I'm home, have a nice night babe ". I didn't get one back so I figured maybe she had gone to bed already cause she was really tired. But as I lied in bed I started thinking I shouldn't have kissed her and that I came on too strong. I even started thinking that maybe she wasn't a good kisser cause it almost seemed she wasn't kissing back.

So I called her this morning, she didn't answer so I left a message. I called around noon, I knew she went to church but I didn't know when she would be home. So I called around 4:30, no answer so I didn't leave a message. I wasn't for sure if she had my number so that was why I called again. Later I happened to be on my instant messenger and she was online. So I asked her if she got my message.

She said she did. So I asked if she just didn't want to see me again. Here's what she said "well, i can see us being friends and all, but you're a little too reserved for a relationship to really come out of it for me. it didn't seem like we had a lot of common ground".
So I asked if it was cause I was shy around her friends and I explained that I didn't know them but I liked them and it just takes me a little bit to open up. So then she said "i dunno. our conversations were more liek story telling to one another. i didn't think we really related".

I said I wished she would give me some more time, but she said she didn't want me to get too attached. So I asked if we could still be friends and she said of course.

I told her I was a little confused on that Friday night cause she said the wanted to hang out on Sunday. She said she did, but as friends and she wanted to wait until we spoke first.

So bottom line is I met the girl of my dreams and now it appears I'm stuck in the friend zone. I know it was only our first date, but I kissed her for several reasons:
1. we spend like 13 hours together, which would normally be 2 or 3 dates
2. I felt we did connect, I don't know what she meant when she said I'm a little too reserved and we didn't have much common ground
3. she got closer to me when I put my arm around her
4. we made a lot of eye contact throughout the day and she was always smiling when we did.

Of all the disappointments I've had when it comes to girls, this by far hurts the most and is the most depressing. I've never I can't say I haven't though about suicide, but I know it would be hard on my parents and sisters and I don't think I could actually bring myself to do it. I know in 2 or 3 weeks i will probably be over it. I'll still be sort of depressed over a lack of a social life and never having a serious girlfriend, but at least I'll be back to finding simple joys in life like music, movies, sports, etc. I go back to work tomorrow so hopefully that will help.

I'm just looking for everyone's opinions, especially from other girls. Do you think the kiss was a mistake? If a guy kissed you and you didn't want a kiss would you still let him kiss you (especially for a couple minutes) or would you pull away?

 

[bleach]

No sense asking our opinions if she wants to talk sbout it anyway. She's going to tell you how she feels I think.

 

[79_89_99IneIneIne]

I don't think the kiss was a mistake. She sounds a little a bitchy to me. You'll find some better.

 

[bulldog21083]

No sense asking our opinions if she wants to talk sbout it anyway. She's going to tell you how she feels I think.

Well that's another thing that confused me. She said she wanted to hang out, but as friends and she wanted to talk to me first. So why didn't she answer or call me back when I called this morning. I did talk to her online but I didn't wanna keep pounding her with the questions and sound desperate and drive her away.

It's just that this is the second time something like this has happened to me in a month (the first time happened after 5 dates with a different girl). But at least this time she wants to be friends. Maybe once I get to know her more and open up more we will start to click more. While I was driving her home I mentioned I was going out of town on Thursday through Sunday and she actually sounded disappointed I wasn't gonna be available the next weekend. The was another reason I figured she like me.

 

[shield]

Dude this is excellent why the hell are you upset? IMO the girl was attracted to you at first - so you know you are good enough to attract hot women. She also kissed you back when you went to kiss her at the end of the night so she still liked you, you were doing good. I think you messed up by coming across too desperate after the kiss which made her go off you;

1) You asked to meet up again right after you had met her for the first time.
2) You txted her again the same night.
3)You kept ringing her.

No big deal. You learnt now don't make the same mistake on the next one. I'm 100% sure there is nothing wrong with you. It's the way you acted.

 

[Dave_McFadden]

I'm just looking for everyone's opinions, especially from other girls. Do you think the kiss was a mistake? If a guy kissed you and you didn't want a kiss would you still let him kiss you (especially for a couple minutes) or would you pull away?

I don't think the kiss was a mistake. I think the problem was that you didn't have anything to say about the things her friends were talking about. And of course, why should you? You didn't go to high school with them, and you don't know anyone they went to high school with. So naturally you didn't have much to contribute. It was wrong of her to hold that against you though. But that's what 19 year olds do. She probably consulted these same friends after your date and they told her the same things that she eventually told you, that you were too reserved.

Dude this is excellent why the hell are you upset? IMO the girl was attracted to you at first - so you know you are good enough to attract hot women. She also kissed you back when you went to kiss her at the end of the night so she still liked you, you were doing good. I think you messed up by coming across too desperate after the kiss which made her go off you;

1) You asked to meet up again right after you had met her for the first time.
2) You txted her again the same night.
3)You kept ringing her.

Yeah, I have to agree you looked a little desparate as well, which probably worked against you.

Of all the disappointments I've had when it comes to girls, this by far hurts the most and is the most depressing. I've never I can't say I haven't though about suicide, but I know it would be hard on my parents and sisters and I don't think I could actually bring myself to do it. I know in 2 or 3 weeks i will probably be over it. I'll still be sort of depressed over a lack of a social life and never having a serious girlfriend, but at least I'll be back to finding simple joys in life like music, movies, sports, etc. I go back to work tomorrow so hopefully that will help.

Chalk this one up as a "loss" and continue to use the online dating site. You might want to mention this to her the next time you see her. Well, maybe not the next time you see her, but the time after that. If she's serious about being "just friends" then she'll be cool with it.

 

[lazylinepainter]

I know this sounds impossible, but you should really try not to take it personally. Sometimes you meet someone you like--you get along, they have a nice personality and are attractive--but there's just something missing and you just don't see them as relationship material. That's the mystery of chemistry, but yes, it hurts very much when one feels it and the other doesn't. All it is is a matter of personal preference, which one develops as a result of their past dating experiences. Personally, I wouldn't rule out someone who didn't have "common ground" with me because I'm used to being with guys who share few of my interests--as a result, I like guys who are different and appreciate hearing their stories! But everyone's different. Take her up on her offer of friendship...maybe she'll have cute girl friends :wink:

 

[bulldog21083]

Dude this is excellent why the hell are you upset? IMO the girl was attracted to you at first - so you know you are good enough to attract hot women. She also kissed you back when you went to kiss her at the end of the night so she still liked you, you were doing good. I think you messed up by coming across too desperate after the kiss which made her go off you;

1) You asked to meet up again right after you had met her for the first time.
2) You txted her again the same night.
3)You kept ringing her.

No big deal. You learnt now don't make the same mistake on the next one. I'm 100% sure there is nothing wrong with you. It's the way you acted.

I see what you're saying, I'm just not 100% sure she actually kissed me back. Like I said when I leaned in for the kiss she said she didn't want me to get sick, but I said I didn't mind. Then I kissed her. She didn't pull away but she either wasn't a good kisser or wasn't kissing back. While I was kissing her I would kind of pause for a second or two and she didn't really kiss back, but she didn't pull away either. Although they also say that a lot of women judge by how good a first kiss is on whether or not they want a relationship. So it's possible I just wasn't a good kisser too.

You're right about me coming on too strong, but I just felt everything was going so well that she would wanna hang out again on Sunday. But it's not like I planned anythign specific, I just asked what she was doing Sunday. She said she had church in the morning but after that nothing. I asked if she wanted me to give her a call and she said yes. About texting her, she told me to text her when I got home (it was a 50 minute drive at 1 am on the 4th of July, so there's a lot of drunk drivers out and she just wanted to make sure I got home safe).

I appreciate everyone's opinion. But what do you think she meant when she said we didn't have a lot of "common ground"? I should have asked her to go into more detail but I didn't wanna make her mad. We do have some slightly different interests (she plays 3 instruments and was in band in high school - I don't play any instruments and wasn't in band. she surfs and I don't but I told her I would love to learn and she said she would teach me sometime). But everything she's interested I would like to get into.

I am definitly going to remain friends with her, hopefully she was serious when she said that. Maybe with time it can develop into something further. Even if nothing develops out of it she still gives me confidence and hopefully she'll help me break out of my shell so any future dates will go better.

 

[shield]

I see what you're saying, I'm just not 100% sure she actually kissed me back. Like I said when I leaned in for the kiss she said she didn't want me to get sick, but I said I didn't mind. Then I kissed her. She didn't pull away but she either wasn't a good kisser or wasn't kissing back. While I was kissing her I would kind of pause for a second or two and she didn't really kiss back, but she didn't pull away either. Although they also say that a lot of women judge by how good a first kiss is on whether or not they want a relationship. So it's possible I just wasn't a good kisser too.

You're right about me coming on too strong, but I just felt everything was going so well that she would wanna hang out again on Sunday. But it's not like I planned anythign specific, I just asked what she was doing Sunday. She said she had church in the morning but after that nothing. I asked if she wanted me to give her a call and she said yes. About texting her, she told me to text her when I got home (it was a 50 minute drive at 1 am on the 4th of July, so there's a lot of drunk drivers out and she just wanted to make sure I got home safe).

I appreciate everyone's opinion. But what do you think she meant when she said we didn't have a lot of "common ground"? I should have asked her to go into more detail but I didn't wanna make her mad. We do have some slightly different interests (she plays 3 instruments and was in band in high school - I don't play any instruments and wasn't in band. she surfs and I don't but I told her I would love to learn and she said she would teach me sometime). But everything she's interested I would like to get into.

maybe she didn't want to kiss, but she was definitely initially willing to give you a shot. So somewhere along the line you did somthing wrong. When she said we have no common ground I think she means I am not attracted to you anymore I don't think she actually means she has no common ground. I'm sure that one of your biggest mistakes is somehow communicating desperation and that you are too needy. Because you are definitely communicating that in your posts. Ideally you should try to meet more women so that you don't feel that you need to force an outcome with one woman.

Just don't take anything personally it's your behaviour not you. Try acting a little bit more disinterested on the next girl and when you want to kiss her don't hesitate just take control and be assertive. You are doing great, keep it up and let us know what happens!

 

[bulldog21083]

Just don't take anything personally it's your behaviour not you. Try acting a little bit more disinterested on the next girl and when you want to kiss her don't hesitate just take control and be assertive. You are doing great, keep it up and let us know what happens!

I see what you're saying. It's just that in the past I've almost had the opposite problem where girls think I'm NOT interested in them when I actually am. I suppose part of that problem was I don't smile a whole lot. I made an extra effort to smile a lot when I was on this past "date" and I definitly think that helped. It's just that a month or so ago I was on a first date with a girl and to make a long story short she later told me she wanted to be kissed when I dropped her off on the first date. And that was after only a couple hours. This past date we spent 12 hours together.

The funny thing about our kiss though was I really just intended it to just be a brief kiss, but she didn't pull away so I didn't either. Maybe if I had just kissed her for a couple seconds and pulled away it would have been better.

 

[striker]

- Dude.. dont be so hard on yourself.
- Learn from this & move on. The more you chase her the more your value will go down

- The phone calls were needy.
- If she is putting you in the friends zone, that means you weren't building the sexual tension
(touch her, tease her, play with her, make her jealous if you have to)
- Once you build the sexual tension, direct it, so she can release it.
- She wanted things to advance sexually. But they didnt. Who do think she is going to blame. (You)
- You seem good at make her comfortable (too comfortable without being sexual = friend
- so Keep it FUN, keep it sexual & dominate her while contunuing to connect with her, she'll love it.

- Pat yourself for taking it this far with a hot chick, next time tweak your
system a bit with the above

 

[IBM]

You learn the lesson. Dont call her again so soon.

 

[bulldog21083]

You learn the lesson. Dont call her again so soon.

I'm definitly gonna wait at least a few days before I call her again or talk to her online. I am going out of town on Thursday through Sunday so I figured maybe when I'm at the aiport on Sunday it might be a decent time to call. That way it will have been a week since we talked. And I wouldn't be asking her to do anything cause I won't be back till 11 pm.

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

Youre asking us?

First of all your asking us? We should be the one asking you. You did every thing right except takeing all the dam blaim.

Why are you and every one else focusing only on you? You did all that you can do. She has to take some of the blame too. Why didnt she try to meet you half way. Relations ships are suppose to be a two way street with both people trying to make it work not you doing all the work.

If I was in that situation(I wish I was in that situation) If I was in that situation I would take her up on the friend ship but leave it there.

There no point in forceing some one to date you who is not intrested. Maby she doesnt think she is good enough or what ever.

Don't regret what you did. You are not a mind reader. I am proud that you called because how else would you know. Its not being desprate its call being human and not a mind reader.

Move on but dont burn the bridge. Keep in touch with that girl as friends while looking for her replacement.

 

[Thelema]

This chick doesn't know what she wants. She's probably one of those girls that goes out with a new guy every couple weeks, finds a reason to dump them and gets another one.

Don't feel bad, she's not the girl of your dreams. She's just some chick, there are thousands of girls just like her. If you stacked every girl like her up, they'd reach the freaking moon.

Don't make nice with her. Tell her "I'm not looking for friends" and end it. Don't waste any energy on this girl, use it to find a real girl, not some person thats just going to play with you

 

[Thelema]

You learn the lesson. Dont call her again so soon.

I'm definitly gonna wait at least a few days before I call her again or talk to her online. I am going out of town on Thursday through Sunday so I figured maybe when I'm at the aiport on Sunday it might be a decent time to call. That way it will have been a week since we talked. And I wouldn't be asking her to do anything cause I won't be back till 11 pm.

DON'T call her. If she communicates with you in any way, use that to tell her that you're sorry, but you don't want a friendship and end the bs there and then. Cut your losses and move on

 

[TAMPA-BAY]

Youre asking us?

You know thelma thats a harsh but nice way of aproaching that situation.

If you become friends; Sooner or later you will be hearing and seeing alll of her boyfriends and that might be even harder to deal with. Friends dont just happen they develop over time. Being friends with that person might just be worst in the long run.

Yeah I have to agree with thelma. You know what you are looking for and its not a friend. So Its probaly best to just end it now.

 

[shield]

Don't feel bad, she's not the girl of your dreams. She's just some chick, there are thousands of girls just like her. If you stacked every girl like her up, they'd reach the freaking moon.

Yeah its very important to keep this in mind imo

Why are you and every one else focusing only on you? You did all that you can do. She has to take some of the blame too

Well obviously she's a dode but if he wants to sleep with her then he needs to make the right moves. Like my boss at work is a total moron and I think that acting in the way that he likes me to act is stupid but if I do it I get a wad of cash in my pocket. If you find the right person then you won't need to do anything it will just happen naturally but if you're dealing with the average low quality girl then you have to do what's gonna get you results.

 

[Edith]

Re: Youre asking us?

First of all your asking us? We should be the one asking you. You did every thing right except takeing all the dam blaim.

Why are you and every one else focusing only on you? You did all that you can do. She has to take some of the blame too. Why didnt she try to meet you half way. Relations ships are suppose to be a two way street with both people trying to make it work not you doing all the work.

If I was in that situation(I wish I was in that situation) If I was in that situation I would take her up on the friend ship but leave it there.

There no point in forceing some one to date you who is not intrested. Maby she doesnt think she is good enough or what ever.

Don't regret what you did. You are not a mind reader. I am proud that you called because how else would you know. Its not being desprate its call being human and not a mind reader.

Move on but dont burn the bridge. Keep in touch with that girl as friends while looking for her replacement.

Amen.

Leave yourself alone. You put yourself out there and she just isn't interested, even if she SEEMED interested, she wasn't. But so what? It happens, at least you tried and still have a potentially fufilling freindship from it! I've been interested in guys who didn't want me and I've had guys try to kiss me when I just wasn't feeling it. It happens to the best of us.

Some people just don't connect in the RIGHT way for a relationship. If she says she only wants to be friends, then JUST be her friend... she means it. "Let's be friends" is NOT an invitation for you to try again... I can't stress that enough. Speaking from experience if you go after her again you will only piss her off and make her not want to see you EVER again. Accept your situation - its not so bad.

Oh and... please DON'T BE "THAT PUSHY GUY"!! as some of this advice has "suggested" (addmitadly in not so few words) I don't know why guys seem to think that girls want aggressive and dominant men (I've NEVER met a girl who liked that. The world needs less men like that and more who are willing to earnestly try. Just be yourself like you've been doing, that's the ONLY way you'll ever find someone who likes you... sorry... I know that sounds like "mom advice" but even mom was a girl back in the day.

 

[bulldog21083]

Re: Youre asking us?

Amen.

Leave yourself alone. You put yourself out there and she just isn't interested, even if she SEEMED interested, she wasn't. But so what? It happens, at least you tried and still have a potentially fufilling freindship from it! I've been interested in guys who didn't want me and I've had guys try to kiss me when I just wasn't feeling it. It happens to the best of us.

Some people just don't connect in the RIGHT way for a relationship. If she says she only wants to be friends, then JUST be her friend... she means it. "Let's be friends" is NOT an invitation for you to try again... I can't stress that enough. Speaking from experience if you go after her again you will only piss her off and make her not want to see you EVER again. Accept your situation - its not so bad.

Oh and... please DON'T BE "THAT PUSHY GUY"!! as some of this advice has "suggested" (addmitadly in not so few words) I don't know why guys seem to think that girls want aggressive and dominant men (I've NEVER met a girl who liked that. The world needs less men like that and more who are willing to earnestly try. Just be yourself like you've been doing, that's the ONLY way you'll ever find someone who likes you... sorry... I know that sounds like "mom advice" but even mom was a girl back in the day.

I think that's the best advice I've heard so far. I'm definitly gonna take her up on her friendship offer. I figure after talking to her a few more times and hanging out with her when I know she just wants to be friends I will accept being friends with her and not be wishing for a relationship; or at least I hope that's what happens.