My bipolar journal

Falkor

Falkor

1
Hello dear people of Social phobia world,
Great to have reached this planet
If it was just a planet we could all hang out...

Ok anyways....lets get to the real thing:

This is my journal,I will write here whenever i have something to tell or if i'm inspired, sometimes i'll write a poem or a song, or just another update...

it will be very bipolar because I am changing like the weather. And of course a lot of Social anxiety will be included, and hopefully some positive things as well, enjoy my journal, and thanks for following me!
 
Falkor

Falkor

1
Today it's 20th of March, it's almost 7pm in the evening and I'm feeling neutral. Yes, it is possible to feel in between good and bad. It's a good thing if you think of it, because it can be worse, but also it's not good on the other hand, because i should feel a little bit more upbeat, shouldn't i? but that's hard when you don't feel that at the right present moment...Oh well, will see when it occurs!

Today I woke up at 1pm, such a shame I thought when I woke up and look at the clock. Oh well, that's how a Hermit lives, not much to do, nothing to go to, so why wake up anyway? Well, the sun is shining! I looked outside the window and thought, wow..I should actually enjoy this day. Hours later..... Not had breakfast, not had lunch, had stared at the computer until 3 PM. Another shame..Oh what a victory. Still have not enjoyed the beautiful sun of mother earth.... Hmm, I could use a bite in an apple and eat some banana, so I got myself some fruit to eat, and some english candies. Yeah yeah. And I decided to train my brain at Lumosity.com (brain program). I actually beaten some records, oh wow! This hermit can still at least do something and has a fit brain, thank god I'm not stupid! And then I finally had a brilliant idea, I went for a bike...I biked outside and the sun felt lovely on my skin, i felt so calm and loved the fact that i could finally wear my t shirt without getting all chicken skin on my arms!! Finally. thank you dear universe for the sun today. And then...Oh yeah, how fun. I saw kiddos and students cycling with their backpags heading back home from a beautiful school day (or boring in they're eyes). How great, darn, wish I didn't drop out.

So I decided to cycle calmly further to my home, and I went to a website and signed up for a school, yes, how impulsive but yet very important, i have been researching this school for a month already, it's a music school, where you learn how to promote yourself as an artist, and how to learn various instruments and you can become a musical teacher. Well, what a big thing i just did, i do have to audition, hopefully i got what it takes to join the school. And I am going to look for a home schooling thing, so I can do home schooling until september when the real school happening starts...I just need to stop waking up so late, i need to make my life less pointless, I want to achieve something in this life.

So after that, I decided to eat more english candies, thumps up for me, uh...really? lol. and then i skyped with the person I like very much, she and I talked for an hour or so. i want to visit her, she lives in the usa and i live in the netherlands, i hope to visit her.,, hopefully this will be succesful, i love this person, she's so wonderful <3

and then when the skype ended, i decided to tidy up my room a lil (make my mom happy) and i decided to play some sim city on the computer.

And then I thought of an idea, why not give a bbq in the summer ? i posted it on facebook as a status, but then as 15 minutes went by.and nobody responded, i thought whatever. i put it off again. I thought the idea was wonderful, but how can i give a bbq when i dont have many friends? hopefully i can make more friends this year, feels so embarrassing to be such a loner..... but i do have one local friend.... hmm, oh well, he's welcome.

and i'm still very sad about the fact that i'm so deeply insecure about myself, i have such strong sa around people...i also feel very self concious when i eat in front of people's eyes...and sometimes i dont know how to speak, i dont know how to behave, and i have very strong facial tension, i think my SA is never ablet o cure...i just dont believe in it anymore...am almost 22 and have been having this since 15...


and my therapist wants to go to fitness next thursday, finally something to do in the week...i'm nerovus though cuz i feel self concious when sporting around people, but hopefully my SA won't be too bad. and i want to train my arms, become more fit

anyways, tomorrow i have new news, thank you for reading and sorry if i bore y'all! hope its fun to read, if you have a journal, please give me the link, i will post it in this topic for other's to click on

all right, have a good day

 
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Falkor

Falkor

1
Thank you all for your replies. <3

Today it's 21th of march. it's 12 pm.
I'm in a train right now, using wifi.
I'm a bit anxious, many people around
and I'm afraid what they think of me.

I had painting lesson today, i went for the first time.
The councelor brought me by car and I started freaking out in the car.
I was so nervous of going, and the train combined, it's all a big thing for a person who has been even afraid of getting out of the house.
But I went into the painting lesson and those people were nice.
But I only stayed 30 minutes because it was very tough for me.
But at least I went, that's what counts.

After I ate something at the mall by myself (another big victory, scared of being alone.....)

And I bought myself a new jacket because i felt ugly in the other jacket i was wearing today...I want to become more stylish so I feel more at ease...
I also want to get my hair cut again soon

I am now in the train and i feel self concious while typing on this laptop, i think people are focused on me (i know its surreal but yeah, im afraid)
i have strong BDD so i think im ugly (doesnt matter how many times people say im not).

I need to travel 3 hours now, and it's a very big thing for me. I hyperventilate, i feel dizzy, feel scared and its horrifying for me. But I want to do this.

I'm going to a guy who liked my Social anxiety vlogs, he has mild SA but yet he has a very succesful life, i'm happy that i can stay at his house tonight, it's the first time I actually go to his house and i will sleep there, but hopefully i'll feel at ease. I don't have many friends so i dont want to miss this opportunity
this guy has found my vlogs and im happy he lives not that far. (3 hours is far, but still i can travel to him).

so i will tell y'all how it will go afterwards. (probably tomorrow).

the planning is:
we will go to a restaurant together (hopefully no awkward silences, my worst fear ever.....)
go play pool (snooker) together (i never done that.. hopefully i won't embarrass myself haha)
go to the movies/cinema (that's relaxing cuz its in the dark, feels good for a person with sa.... bet a lot of you guys can understand).

this morning was quite rushy because i never wake up at 7am... i always wake up at 1pm in the afternoon so it felt like a big sledgehammer ...but im happy that my councelor wanted me to go to the painting lesson at 9 am....its a good thing, even that i stayed 30 minutes, its a good thing to practice my sa.... i was terrified really..but i did it....next time i want to stay 45 minutes.

later today i will also post some pictures of the window view of the train, holland can be pretty. :)

oh and another thing to note: i have bought some orange juice, but i'm too afraid to drink it in the train, because i have to zip the bag ,and that makes noise....stupid right ? im very irrational :S

and i cant listen to music cuz im afraid ppl hear what i listen to....

hmmm, sa is so much fun....

oh and the worse part of this trip is that i need to transfer to another train..which is TERRIBLY full.... oh hope its not. but mostly it is...

well, thank you for reading and i will have more news next time

greetz, falkor
 
Falkor

Falkor

1
Here is another update. its now 3pm

I've been in the train for ages now. The train had a lot of errors so i had to switch trains all the time. I've been doing this trip for almost 4 hours now and still not arrived. It's very frustrating because I have a lack of breath, i have a dry throat, i feel dizzy and stressed. Do some of you also experience stress in trains? It's so frustrating to feel this way.

I hyperventilate, i sweat, i feel dizzzy and I really just really need food.

And I only slept 5 hours last night because of the nerves for today..i yawn every minute.

Oh lord, i hate anxiety.

i'm gonna get a drink right away when i arrived....41 minutes left...
 
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