murderous thoughts/ how it all started

[thoughts2]

if you u have not read my other topic this will not make any since to u so read other first plz it has the same title allmost as this one.

age 7
when i was little i was beaten alot by my dads brother he would make me feel weak and unwanted by anyone and unloved by anyone. when ever he would beat me i would try and fight back but no matter how hard i tryed or how hard i tryed to stand up for myself he would shoot me down.

age 9
i saw my first person to ever die right in front of me it was from a car crash the impact was so strong it crushed her body and poped her head open. i was so close that blood was splatered on me. i watched everyone one around me panic and cry and were so scared for what had just happend. but i was the closest to the crash and saw everything but i did not cry i was not scared. all i could think about was y everyone els was.

age 12
im in school and i was allways picked on the most was the outcast of everyone. i started to hate everyone i wanted to make them fear me somehow and couldent find a way to make them scared of me. then for sme odd reson the image of that girls twisted crushed body poped in my head from the crah i saw a few years ago. and how everyone aound it was so scared how they fear for what had happend. then it hit me people where afraid of death.

age13
all i could think about was how death made people fear u just about everynight i had a dream about death and how i hated everyone for picking on me making me feel weak and how i was beaten and could do nothing to stop it. after a whie i stoped thinking about it and moved on with my life.

age 19
i just got out of highschool and everyone was talking about what collage people are going to i had alot of friends now and was accepted by people and i was happy. no one picked on me or made me feel weak. and then one knight one of the girls i was friends with called me and we tlaked for a while she asked me yi never talk about my child hood and i said that there was nothing to it and nothing u need to warry about. after i got off the phone with her i whent to sleep and for some reson i had a dream about killing people and eating them and that i was the strongest and dreamed about my past and how my dads brother beat me.

age 19 a few months later
well you now know the rest from here thx to my last post

plz comment on what you think is there a connection in all this? am i getting anycloser to solving my problem

 

[FreedomFighter]

Its all bad ocd at the end of the day friend , i can totally relate , the strongest tool you can use against it is DIVERSION , ocd trys to use your darkest thoughts and images against you to get a reaction , dont give your ocd thoughts any credibility , when they come , try to do something physical , something that focuses your attention away from them , turn it into a game , see how many thoughts you can divert , after a while of doing this , you will be able to control your ocd much better , take care , Robbie

 

[FreedomFighter]

PS . dont think for one second your some kind of monster for getting these thoughts , there very common .

 

[Misterhopefull]

[whoops double post]

 

[Misterhopefull]

Listen to some Marshall Mathers and go to bed. And do like him, use your hobby to let the anger out.

and follow the above poster's advice closely.

 

[bushica]

i agree with the first poster, sounds exactly like ocd...you're not a monster at all..just a lot like us, you're not a criminal in the making buddy, you just need to treat your ocd, you came here and let it all out, you talked about your childhood and everything thats a VERY good first step, when you start venting and addressing your problems half of them end right there.
you keep talking to us, we're right here.
i may not be able to give the best of advice but can listen to you vent and i have read enough about ocd and suffered for long enough from it to confirm that this is ocd, you're no criminal so don't think that please.

 

[radar]

Hey thoughts, i know what your going through, afraid you will hurt yourself or others, i had the same thoughts and still do, but it is just OCD, i was diagnosed 3 1/2 years ago and I have a very very severe case; sometimes I used to be afraid of myself, think i was nothing or unworthy, afraid I was weak things will get better I suggest you try CBT-Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, don't give up hope your not a bad person, you are the farthest thing from a bad person, its people like you who change this world and make it a better place because when you overcome this you will be the strongest and most courageous out of anyone and others will notice, hang in there it is Hell, trust me I know

 

[durda_dan]

I too was picked on a lot.
Sounds kinda like me but i dind't see anyone die infront of me
when iw as younger my brother never let me win, we would play a game i would lose, sport, i would lose, wrestle i would lose, i would always lose, eventually i gave up, and i never tried to win at anything.
in school i was picke don because i dind't bother trying too much i would lose anyway i thought. all through highschool i had 2 friends (from elementry school through) and then in grade 12 right before i graduated i met my new friends the goth/punk group and I never looked back, they helped me, maybe because they are soo much like me. o we were all friends and we still are.
then i had a girlfriend of 2 years who broke up with me on my birthday at my birthday party infront of my friends by telling me she has a new boyfriend and that she doesn't love me...
i graduatedand got a new job, things were going well, moved away to china i felt good, i felt confident with my new self. and then recently my roomates were talking about me and my girlfriend behind my back, gave me a lot of stress, my parents came to visist me. and now money probelsm all at one time, and i heard a story
in canada a man on a bus killed, decapitated, and ate a man on a public bus.
i was thinking how could he do this, the thoughts consumed my mind, what kind of person would do this, what would his reason be.
then i read a book on serial killers, and there was alot of fucked up people
one of them did this
"killed his grand mother to see what he would look like dead. and then illed his grandfather to spare him from seeing his wife dead, killed and fucked his mom, decapitated her and used her head as a dartboard, and then went on a killing spree until he was arrested".
when i read that one i said what a monster! what kind of a person would do this.
that night i was with my girlfriend and i got a flash, and imag, or a question i don't know. it said "what would she look like dead"
i had severe anxiety and i felt like puking, i coudn't sleep for a while.
i thought ihad depression or anxiety or homesickness, but not OCD, i tfound out about this OCD by accident, and it seemed to match my symptoms exactly, and same with all of you.

I'm gettng better now, sometimes i'm ok, Sometimes i'm scared, and thinking, But deffinately better

a posted above just devert it. don't think of it, think of good things, don't let your mind control you- YOU control your mind

sometimes if i get a bad thought i just stop, and think of something that relaxes me, nature. i think of walking in a forrest, tall trees, light rain, birds squawking,
sometimes the thoughts come into my head in my deversions but you devert them too.
forexample a monkey is about to smash one of my birds with a coconut and then I would think of the bird flying away and avoiding harm

 

[chained]

u gotta know that they aren't real, I had ocd, and got past of most of it, I still have shit ocpd SA, but u gotta do some stuff, know it;s hard. when u feel like killing r mom, stay close to her... and u will see that nothing will happen, u can have the thopughts but u won't react on them.. good luck

 

[Danfalc]

plz comment on what you think is there a connection in all this? am i getting anycloser to solving my problem

There is definatley a connection,Have you told anyone about seeing someone die?I dont have any way near the problems you do,but I witnesed someone die when I use to work at 16/17,his head got crushed by a crane.

I also saw an old lady run over by a truck.I seemed to cope quite well at the time it happend,it wasnt until a few years down the line I started having graphic dreams.They dont scare me,just when I wake up I find them very disturbing.

I think with you seeing someone die at such a young age,it really will of affected you..our minds struggle to comprehend things like that at such a young age.