Lostinthemusic
Well-known member
I've been away from this site for some time. I don't really know where to begin with what has happend in that time because the back story stretches back about a year. I'm having a crisis between who I thought I was and how I am acting.
I worry because attitude follows behavior.
That's a nifty tip I picked up in psychology class. Which I'm no longer going for as a major.
I'm at Western Washington University. I don't know what I want to do. Something in music. I play drums. I'm glad to say that I can say I'm good. I still need technical practice though. I'm getting more and more into music. Playing music I mean.
I feel torn inside because I always say I'm really into music, but I can never express that unless I'm behind an instrument I'm confident in playing...drums. I am however eternally grateful that I have this therapy. I put all my energy into it because it is currently one of the only things I feel I can let loose on. Become myself. Live in the moment. That is an amazingly freeing experience.
I'm constantly getting more interested in Buddhism.
I've had a spiritual awakening.
I thought I was going to die more than once.
I let fear overtake me, now I'm still fighting against it. This was the wrong thing to do by the way. I've read several teachings that talk about a death of the ego that feels like a real death. You have to accept death so that you can break the shell of what you and society have led you to believe is you. Accept death to be reborn with your true nature bursting from the core. It feels real though. As far as most of us are concerned the ego is who we are. In truth it is not. But I couldn't handle it. I still have trouble with it. I fear I handled it wrong, that leads to me thinking the same thing about every other situation. Which in turn becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We create our realities. This is an example of the ego.
Peace comes with its destruction, but doing it all at once is terrifying. Especially when I feel like I have no one to talk to since I feel like I have alienated anyone who would have talked to me before already.
I feel happy when I am able to talk to people, but I have trouble staying social and when I mess up I'm trying to see it as a chance to get better and learn from my mistakes.
I want to share myself. This yet again seems like the perfect place to start. I don't want to live like this. I reject feeling sorry for myself. I am love. We are love. It just has to be recognized and accepted. I will recognize and accept it. I do recognize and accept it.
Buddha speaks the truth.
Christ is not Christianity.
Both are love.
Why do I find it so hard to keep this attitude?
Why do I not do what I need to do to get over this?
What holds me back?
Should I stop school or finnish it out? Then what?
Would I be happiest becoming a monk? Going for music?
I must live life.
What do I need to do to get over talking to and truly connecting to my roommates? Apologizing is a good start. But for what exactly? How do I word it? How do even get the words out right? I have been getting better with this.
Always look for the positive.
Be impeccable with your word
Don't take anything personally
Don't make assumptions
Always try my best
I'm sorry to anyone who feels I have hurt them and especially to those I know I have hurt.
Please forgive me, I know I'm a good person. I just have trouble expressing it.
Thank you for reading.
If I send love your way, will you send it back?
It is all you need, after all.
I worry because attitude follows behavior.
That's a nifty tip I picked up in psychology class. Which I'm no longer going for as a major.
I'm at Western Washington University. I don't know what I want to do. Something in music. I play drums. I'm glad to say that I can say I'm good. I still need technical practice though. I'm getting more and more into music. Playing music I mean.
I feel torn inside because I always say I'm really into music, but I can never express that unless I'm behind an instrument I'm confident in playing...drums. I am however eternally grateful that I have this therapy. I put all my energy into it because it is currently one of the only things I feel I can let loose on. Become myself. Live in the moment. That is an amazingly freeing experience.
I'm constantly getting more interested in Buddhism.
I've had a spiritual awakening.
I thought I was going to die more than once.
I let fear overtake me, now I'm still fighting against it. This was the wrong thing to do by the way. I've read several teachings that talk about a death of the ego that feels like a real death. You have to accept death so that you can break the shell of what you and society have led you to believe is you. Accept death to be reborn with your true nature bursting from the core. It feels real though. As far as most of us are concerned the ego is who we are. In truth it is not. But I couldn't handle it. I still have trouble with it. I fear I handled it wrong, that leads to me thinking the same thing about every other situation. Which in turn becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We create our realities. This is an example of the ego.
Peace comes with its destruction, but doing it all at once is terrifying. Especially when I feel like I have no one to talk to since I feel like I have alienated anyone who would have talked to me before already.
I feel happy when I am able to talk to people, but I have trouble staying social and when I mess up I'm trying to see it as a chance to get better and learn from my mistakes.
I want to share myself. This yet again seems like the perfect place to start. I don't want to live like this. I reject feeling sorry for myself. I am love. We are love. It just has to be recognized and accepted. I will recognize and accept it. I do recognize and accept it.
Buddha speaks the truth.
Christ is not Christianity.
Both are love.
Why do I find it so hard to keep this attitude?
Why do I not do what I need to do to get over this?
What holds me back?
Should I stop school or finnish it out? Then what?
Would I be happiest becoming a monk? Going for music?
I must live life.
What do I need to do to get over talking to and truly connecting to my roommates? Apologizing is a good start. But for what exactly? How do I word it? How do even get the words out right? I have been getting better with this.
Always look for the positive.
Be impeccable with your word
Don't take anything personally
Don't make assumptions
Always try my best
I'm sorry to anyone who feels I have hurt them and especially to those I know I have hurt.
Please forgive me, I know I'm a good person. I just have trouble expressing it.
Thank you for reading.
If I send love your way, will you send it back?
It is all you need, after all.