muddled thoughts, bull****, and stuff I need to get out

[Lostinthemusic]

I've been away from this site for some time. I don't really know where to begin with what has happend in that time because the back story stretches back about a year. I'm having a crisis between who I thought I was and how I am acting.
I worry because attitude follows behavior.
That's a nifty tip I picked up in psychology class. Which I'm no longer going for as a major.
I'm at Western Washington University. I don't know what I want to do. Something in music. I play drums. I'm glad to say that I can say I'm good. I still need technical practice though. I'm getting more and more into music. Playing music I mean.
I feel torn inside because I always say I'm really into music, but I can never express that unless I'm behind an instrument I'm confident in playing...drums. I am however eternally grateful that I have this therapy. I put all my energy into it because it is currently one of the only things I feel I can let loose on. Become myself. Live in the moment. That is an amazingly freeing experience.
I'm constantly getting more interested in Buddhism.
I've had a spiritual awakening.
I thought I was going to die more than once.
I let fear overtake me, now I'm still fighting against it. This was the wrong thing to do by the way. I've read several teachings that talk about a death of the ego that feels like a real death. You have to accept death so that you can break the shell of what you and society have led you to believe is you. Accept death to be reborn with your true nature bursting from the core. It feels real though. As far as most of us are concerned the ego is who we are. In truth it is not. But I couldn't handle it. I still have trouble with it. I fear I handled it wrong, that leads to me thinking the same thing about every other situation. Which in turn becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We create our realities. This is an example of the ego.
Peace comes with its destruction, but doing it all at once is terrifying. Especially when I feel like I have no one to talk to since I feel like I have alienated anyone who would have talked to me before already.
I feel happy when I am able to talk to people, but I have trouble staying social and when I mess up I'm trying to see it as a chance to get better and learn from my mistakes.
I want to share myself. This yet again seems like the perfect place to start. I don't want to live like this. I reject feeling sorry for myself. I am love. We are love. It just has to be recognized and accepted. I will recognize and accept it. I do recognize and accept it.
Buddha speaks the truth.
Christ is not Christianity.
Both are love.
Why do I find it so hard to keep this attitude?
Why do I not do what I need to do to get over this?
What holds me back?
Should I stop school or finnish it out? Then what?
Would I be happiest becoming a monk? Going for music?
I must live life.
What do I need to do to get over talking to and truly connecting to my roommates? Apologizing is a good start. But for what exactly? How do I word it? How do even get the words out right? I have been getting better with this.
Always look for the positive.
Be impeccable with your word
Don't take anything personally
Don't make assumptions
Always try my best
I'm sorry to anyone who feels I have hurt them and especially to those I know I have hurt.
Please forgive me, I know I'm a good person. I just have trouble expressing it.
Thank you for reading.
If I send love your way, will you send it back?
It is all you need, after all.

 

[upndwn]

I think therefore I am. There is no universal truth only the truth we make for ourselves. Every experience, both good and bad is a valuable stepping stone on the road to spiritual fulfillment. There can be no light without darkness. Fear is good, fear keeps you alive, fear sharpens the senses. Learn to live with your fear, don't fight it. Be open to new experiences, but question everything. Don't be gullible and be one of the flock. Find your own path and your own truth. You are not like others, there are no one else like you. Love yourself and others will love you back. As we choose to perceive the world, so the world perceives us in return. Believe in your dreams let no one tell you what you can and can't do. They don't know you, only you know you.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

Re: muddled thoughts and stuff I need to get out

I think therefore I am. There is no universal truth only the truth we make for ourselves. Every experience, both good and bad is a valuable stepping stone on the road to spiritual fulfillment. There can be no light without darkness. Fear is good, fear keeps you alive, fear sharpens the senses. Learn to live with your fear, don't fight it. Be open to new experiences, but question everything. Don't be gullible and be one of the flock. Find your own path and your own truth. You are not like others, there are no one else like you. Love yourself and others will love you back. As we choose to perceive the world, so the world perceives us in return. Believe in your dreams let no one tell you what you can and can't do. They don't know you, only you know you.

Thank you for your words, they are truly valuable. But I have trouble coming to terms with "I think therefore I am". I don't think it is wrong necessarily, but there are teachings which state that the "real you" is behind thought and that thought itself is a lens through which our true selfs see the world. A limiting lens. To become our true selfs we must break free from the reigns of thought. But at the same time thought is a tool to be used by your reborn self. How can thought be bad at first then good? Will it not just recreate the patterns it did before? Only if you let it. I can't tell if I am still my mind or myself. Is there a difference between thought and mind?
Eckhart Tolle says in "The Power of Now" that Descartes made a mistake by equating "thinking with Being and identity with thinking." But if you are thinking there is still something controlling the thought, so can thought and no-thought ideas live in harmony? The paradoxal nature of so many things spiritual make me think yes. Or am I feeling that answer? Is it intuitive? How can I trust it if my mind is not me? How can I trust anything I think if the mind is not me?
Is it not me? It is a lens of my past that I see the world with which causes biases. Every person can look at the same wall and see something completely different. Is the goal of enlightenment to see that wall completely objectively and by its own history? To do this you have to place yourself in the shoes (so to speak) of the wall, does this not require thought? How can one think without thinking?
My thought process tends to be negatively geared towards myself. I form a lot of associations that I probably shouldn't. My mind is out of control, it does what it wants unless I focus it, but my attention span is very short unless I'm meditating, but even then its tough, as it should be. So is it a good thing to break it down? If I say to people that the absence of thought is a good thing they will not have any of it. If I tell them I am following a path of thoughtlessness they will think I'm stupid. It doesn't matter I know, but still, its frustrating feeling like I can't express this without being forcefully moved to a mental ward. Or worse, loosing respect from potential friends or loosing friends all together. I already feel like the odd man out. Maybe its perfect that way.
I realize you don't have all these answers, they just came out.

FYI I'd like to get rid of bull**** in the thread name, is there a way to change the title?

 

[upndwn]

They say a true meditative state is beyond thought, perhaps that's what it means to be your true self. Part of the universal consciousness if you will. Some say by following your intuition is an existence without thought, but what is intuition but a thought so imprinted in us that we act on it on mere reflex? "I think therefore I am" means only that one has to be aware of one's existence in the physical world to be able to act upon it. To be in control of one's spiritual self might mean something different altogether or it may mean nothing at all. Many claims to hold the answers, but no one can prove them.

 

[alanj]

Spirituality is a huge part of my life, but I only have a couple of friends who I can talk to about The Power Of Now and other spiritual books and spirituality. A lot of people just have no interest and I find there is no point really bringing this up, but it doesn't really matter because it's something you kinda have to work on yourself anyway.

Remember what Eckhart said about not making Enlightment a goal, because you are then in danger of placing it outside of yourself, where it is not. Why not just practice constantly observing your thoughts and become the witness, and so begin disidentifying from your mind, rather than an immediately pressing need to completely break through the mind.

 

[Lostinthemusic]

Thanks alanj. I have been making enlightenment the main goal for some time now. I haven't got to that point in the book yet. I'm reading it slowly, piece by piece.

I feel the same way about not being able to talk to anyone about it. It feels like everyone just dismisses spirituality as something for ignorant or crazy people, but I really feel like that isn't true.

Although at the same time I still don't really know how to talk about it. So is the nature of spirituality I suppose. On some level at least.

I think I'm going to start a new thread on this actually.

On a separate note, I'm realizing I say "I" a lot. I don't want to be selfish...I really hope I'm not. I hope people don't see me that way. Thats the last thing I want to be. This is supposed to be a journal, should I have said that in the title? I don't really like the title anymore. My roommates think I'm a dick. I think a lot of people do. These are the muddled thoughts by the way to anyone reading. You probably figured that out. Did you? I never know if that is an appropriate thing to say or not. I think I'm an emotional illiterate. I just want some friends without thinking they're going to leave me as soon as I feel close to them. Its a hard feeling to get over as I'm sure many of you know.