Missing out on doing things I want to do because of my shyness!

[Mapper]

I’m 41 years old and my shyness is keeping me from doing so many things. I’ve been with the same guy for almost 9 years and married to him for almost 3 years. I moved to another state to be with him a few years after he moved out there. I left all my friends back home and have not made any friends out here. Sure I’ve got acquaintances, but nobody I really connect with or would ever call up to hang out with. All the girls I’ve met are wives of my husband’s friends and not they are mostly way over the top in their personalities, which is uncomfortable for me.

I enjoy being outside and going and doing things, however my husband is an extreme homebody and gets his kicks by watching movies and playing video games. I go for walks and hikes by myself, do outside work by myself and I would love his company but he has no desire to do anything with me. I work from home so there’s another strike against me ever meeting potential friends. I worked at a job for almost 14 years before I moved and it was a small enough place that I was very comfortable and made many friends through work. Then I moved and worked at home for a year and then worked out of the home for another year. I worked at a very large company and felt I was disliked from the moment I started. I felt everyone thought I was just weird by being quiet and not really knowing how to talk to anyone. Other people who started after I did made friends easily and had lunch buddies within a week but I was there for a year and was a loner. Now I work at home again and am missing being around other people, but I want to be around people who like me.

I want to go and take classes and do things I’ve never done, but I need and want to do them with a partner. I wanted to take a jewelry silversmithing class but didn’t because I didn’t have anyone to join me. I’d like to go to one of those places where you pick a piece of pottery and then paint it yourself but I have no one to go with. Heck I’ve even looked up the Shyness MeetUp group and other groups but I am too shy to even go to that thinking I’ll be considered weird from the moment I step in the room! Pretty bad when you are too shy to meet with other shy people who have your same problem! I actually went to see an author I read who was talking at the local library yesterday but only about a dozen people showed up and I was at least 10 years younger than anyone else there and felt like I didn’t belong and all eyes were on me wondering why I was there. I just have this constant feeling like I’m being judged when I do things by myself.

I need friends and I need a husband who will actually do things with me because there’s so much in life that I’m missing out on because I don’t want to go and do it by myself. I just can’t make any real connection with anyone.

 

[MarionBerry]

Does he know you really want to do these things?

 

[Sial Axetder]

Does he know you really want to do these things?

Good question.

Talk to him about this? If you haven't.
To me it seems he is being very selfish.

 

[Mapper]

Good question.

Talk to him about this? If you haven't.
To me it seems he is being very selfish.

He knows I'd like him for company on walks but he never comes and just says "Have fun...I'll be here playing my video game". Other things like the pottery painting or the jewelry making he would just be totally bored at if he came and he'd either tell me he's bored 15 minutes into it or I'd just be worrying that he's bored and not enjoy myself.

I go to motorcycle race weekends with him where he races and I get pretty bored, but I do it. I went to a heavy metal concert with him where I was totally out of my element, but I would never ask him to go to a country one with me because he'd be bored to tears and all I'd think is how bored he is. He tells me I should try playing his video game and I rolled my eyes and he said just try it it's easy. Of course it made absolutely no sense to me and I hated it, but I tried it. I ask him to go play tennis with me or volleyball and he goes "Oh that takes too much energy." He tells me I should read sci-fi books like he does because they are so interesting and make you think but I like mysteries and he says "Oh they all end the same...someone gets killed and they find the guy who did it. Don't those get boring?"

Everything he does is so fascinating that I should want to do it, but everything I do is so mundane and tame that it's not worth his time when he could be spending an entire Saturday playing video games!

 

[rosewood]

wow...have you told him all of this? this is rather sad. if you have told him all of this exactly as you have here and you get no response, have you considered volunteering? sometimes a common work goal can make talking and assist a social connection a little easier. maybe a book club, for mystery lovers? that way you could meet others who share your love for the genre. a class through the local community recreational center for jewlery smithing?

i know its a stretch, but hubby doesnt sound very interested in making an effort to support your interests, at least from what you wrote.

my heart goes out to you. its not very much fun to go through all of the effort you have by moving away from it all. i really hope things get better for you sooner than later....

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

You really need to tell your husband this. And, for the sake of your marriage, I hope he listens! Men can easily get lost in their own world, thinking everything is fine and dandy, being totally oblivious to reality. He could at least take a class a week with you and go on hikes. It's better that you do things together. It will bring you guys closer together. Otherwise, you're going to be doing activities with other men..............Not that there's anything wrong with that......but, it could cause issues.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

You really need to tell your husband this. And, for the sake of your marriage, I hope he listens! Men can easily get lost in their own world, thinking everything is fine and dandy, being totally oblivious to reality. He could at least take a class a week with you and go on hikes. It's better that you do things together. It will bring you guys closer together. Otherwise, you're going to be doing activities with other men..............Not that there's anything wrong with that......but, it could cause issues.

That being said. Try to find things that you BOTH enjoy...compromise a little. And also understand that having time alone from each other to do your own thing (in his case, video games) is fine, if it is in moderation.
Dragging him along on activities that he hates (i.e shoe shopping-taking a wild guess *wink) will only frustrate both of you.

 

[BlueDays]

Other things like the pottery painting or the jewelry making he would just be totally bored at if he came and he'd either tell me he's bored 15 minutes into it...

I go to motorcycle race weekends with him where he races and I get pretty bored, but I do it. I went to a heavy metal concert with him where I was totally out of my element..

ok, so you go along with him to the things he is interested in, even though you find them boring?

Let him know that you go to keep him company with his interests even though you find them boring, so he can't use being bored as an excuse to not go with you to yours.

If that does not work, why don't tell him that you won't keep him company going to his interests with him, until he agrees to come with you to at least one of your interests?

The effort seems to be one sided. If he is still not prepared to make it go two ways, then cease to be the only one making the effort.
He may only start to make an effort if he realizes he won't get away with still getting your company without providing any company to you in return.

 

[Mapper]

wow...have you told him all of this? this is rather sad. if you have told him all of this exactly as you have here and you get no response, have you considered volunteering? sometimes a common work goal can make talking and assist a social connection a little easier. maybe a book club, for mystery lovers? that way you could meet others who share your love for the genre. a class through the local community recreational center for jewlery smithing?

i know its a stretch, but hubby doesnt sound very interested in making an effort to support your interests, at least from what you wrote.

my heart goes out to you. its not very much fun to go through all of the effort you have by moving away from it all. i really hope things get better for you sooner than later....

I think my husband has a bit of ADHD (never been diagnosed but the things he does sure seem to fit the profile). So me going to his things and being bored is something I can deal with because I just sit around and let him do his thing. But him doing what I want, he will be so unfocused and fidgety that he will make me nervous.

Your suggestions above are great, but with my shyness they are very hard to do. Yes I came very close to taking a month long silversmiting jewelry class but felt I would feel like an outcast in the class because I am not artistic and if I tried to talk to people I'd just make a fool out of myself. I also volunteered a few years ago at an animal shelter because I love animals, but halfway through the summer I stopped going because I felt so awkward around the people I was volunteering with and felt like I was getting weird looks. A book club is an idea too, but I wouldn't say a peep to anyone during the discussion. Half the time now when I'm around people I have to play in my head exactly what I'm going to say before I start talkingIf I had a partner to do these things with I would have so much more confidence.

I can't count how many times my husband says "Oh I'll have to go on that hike with you sometime" or "Maybe we'll take a walk around the neighborhood later on" and he never follows through. Later on turns into him too focused on his game to come with me and the hike turns into him just coming out and telling me he's too lazy to go.

 

[Mapper]

I so want to go take a jewelry making class or a pottery class or volunteer at the animal shelter, but I talk myself out of it every time because I feel like I will immediately not fit in. Even in those art classes where it says it's for beginners, I feel like I don't belong because I have no art background. One 3 hour jewelry making class is even very causal where they serve wine and appetizers but I still feel like everyone will bring a friend and I'll be the only one there who doesn't know anyone and will be out of place. If I volunteer at the shelter I feel as if the people I volunteer with will think I'm odd because I'm so awkwardly quiet.

I even talked myself out of going into a cafe the other day to get a bagel to go. I thought that people would think I was odd walking in there alone and what if I didn't know how to order correctly because I didn't know exactly what they had.

I over think EVERYTHING and it is keeping me from doing much of anything!

 

[Sial Axetder]

I so want to go take a jewelry making class or a pottery class or volunteer at the animal shelter, but I talk myself out of it every time because I feel like I will immediately not fit in. Even in those art classes where it says it's for beginners, I feel like I don't belong because I have no art background. One 3 hour jewelry making class is even very causal where they serve wine and appetizers but I still feel like everyone will bring a friend and I'll be the only one there who doesn't know anyone and will be out of place. If I volunteer at the shelter I feel as if the people I volunteer with will think I'm odd because I'm so awkwardly quiet.

I even talked myself out of going into a cafe the other day to get a bagel to go. I thought that people would think I was odd walking in there alone and what if I didn't know how to order correctly because I didn't know exactly what they had.

I over think EVERYTHING and it is keeping me from doing much of anything!

It's ok to do things alone. I do many things alone. My psych doc says I've probably come to the point where I have become so used to be doing things alone. *shrug* It's all I know. Go do what you wanna do! :thumbup:

Back to you guy problem.... What Blue said is very good stuff. You're in a one-sided relationship. Tell this guy it works both ways or not at all. I am really not liking this guy you're with. Too much energy to play tennis with his supposed love of his life? Seriously? Has he got some sort of condition that zaps his energy away?:kickingmyself:

 

[Amitush123]

Oh I can def relate to that, as until I was 19 I had no date what so ever...I felt like I missed a huge part of my life..

 

[Amitush123]

Don't give up on doing things you want to do
It will either kill you slowly from the inside, or will make you erupt at him