midlife crisis?

[SelfHater]

I am not sure of much recently. I thought I had this SAD thing kicked somewhat. In My high school days I had the typical problems that I see from other posts,dating, jerks ect. School absolutely almost killed me though, it was the worst time of my life.

After school things got a lot better. I stopped caring what people thought. I stopped trying to find a girl. I got a job that payed well. Odd thing is that when I stopped looking for a girl is when I found one. She thought I was cool. I took her to a lot of my hiding places that I would go to on my motorcycle to get away.

Fast forward to today. Recently had 20 year class reunion that I could not go to. I have told myself the past is just that and that I have forgiven those that hurt me. But I just could not do it. My job.... Promoted many times.....just came to a end. I am jobless for the first time. My wife, wow do not know where to start. Cold for a long time, sleeps in another room. Has become real irritating now that the money is not coming in. I am sure we would have split up by now if it was not for our 10 year old kid who I love very much.

The pass few years is the only time I ever seeked any help. I always did my best to do the "normal people stuff" by putting a smile on my face and manning up despite how I feel. Recently this way of living has sent me to the E.R. many times. The drugs the doctors gave me only made me feel worst. The only drug I am on now is a benzo. Wish I could get off of that but I just can not do it at this time. On it now for three years.

I do not know how much of this is a rant but I got to change something. Funny how after chasing down my demons and over thinking every thing I can solve so many problems for other people but remain clueless on my own. Perhaps I have been living a lie and just do not want to face it.

So many regrets and missed opportunities in my past. I do not want any more regrets but that is all I see in my future no matter how I make future decisions.

What are your thoughts on this? Is this a midlife crisis thing or a SAD thing that I managed to not see the warning signs of? Should I just mannup again and get a job and put my head in the sand?

 

[SelfHater]

The home front has been bad for a long time. Money has always been an issue but not by me. I made decent amount of it but it was never enough. She can simply out spend anything I make. When I would get promoted in the past she would anticipate that extra income before the first check would hit my account. When I had a job there was the dread of going in because of the socializing but I managed for 20 years. There was also the dread of going back home not knowing what she is going to be like when I get back. Most of my panic attacks would hit me at the end of the work day often as I walked to my car. Doing things that help me feel better like exercise is looked at being self centered and selfish by my wife. All those things I did in the past that she thought were cool are now irresponsible. "I do not show enough emotions" to her. I can tell you that it is in her best interest that I do not. She knows me good enough and will play the head games until she gets a reaction just to see some emotion. I do not think getting another job will help me financially. That may seem like an odd statement but to me it is not about the money. A job may provide a place though for me to hide from my problems and not face them.

Yes I have seen psychologists in the past. The thing is I know so many of them on a personal level. I know so many of them got into there field of study because they themselves are so messed up. Almost everybody is looking for answers. I do not give them much trust.

Also been to marriage counseling with my wife. She does not like that though. She thinks the counselor is always blaming her. It always is a blame game with her though. To me I try to look at it as problems that need improvement.

What I guess it comes down to is that deep down I know what the answer is. We are two people that feed each others "dysfunctions". What I should do for my self is against what I believe. It is not all about me though. Like I said there is a 10 year old involved too. I do not want to mess him up, I want him to have a happy life. I want him in my life.

Perhaps I posted this in the wrong forum but I believe SAD is a part of my marriage problem. Not sure though how much of it is due to it though. I have a improper perspective at looking at it.

 

[Silatuyok]

It sounds to me that you need to seriously reconsider your marriage. I understand that you don't want to be split from your child, but it is not fair to him to have to deal with what is going on (and not going on) between you and your wife. When I was 9 my parents got divorced and it is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I wasn't happy about it, but it needed to happen.
You seem to indicate that splitting with your wife is against your beliefs, did I read that right? I respect that, but it sounds like what you have now can hardly be considered a marriage anymore. It seems to have dissolved itself a long time ago, and the only thing that still connects you two is a legal document and one small human.
There is life after divorce, no matter how impossible it may seem to you at this point. Personally, I don't understand the stigma that surrounds divorce..I think it makes more sense than marriage, at any rate. But it's up to you to do some soul-searching and to determine whether or not it is something you are willing to do for yourself and for them.

 

[SelfHater]

Absolutely Sweet Marie.... I think you understand the situation correctly. You know I actually admire some people that know when to stick a fork in it and call it over and get a divorce. It is a fine line though to cross. When to give up. I also hold myself at a higher standard then I do for other people. I always give it one more try.

As for my job I have a interview tomorrow. They sound very interested in me.