BloodiedToe
New member
Okie, guys. Long post, very long, soz, but I want to be as descriptive as I can. I just piced this site at random from a couple of Google searches. If I don't get any replies here, I'll just try elsewhere, so I won't be too sad if the only reply I get says tl;dr;gtfo.
Gots no money for I-bill-by-the-hour.
Hello, I'm a 19 year old guy who is thinking he has OCD. Whether my self-diagnosis is on-point or not, something is wrong with me without a doubt.
The problem is compulsive thoughts.
I have compulsive fantasies constantly. They're all the same kind and while I'm not too good at this kind of description, I'll try to give a few general examples and details.
I can almost only think in a fashion where I converse with other people, usually people I've known throughout my life. Rarely family members and more often than not former classmates and teachers. While the setting of the fantasy might differ, the plot is always the same (though I've lately been skipping the plot and gone straight to the payoff). Something reminds me of my earlier experiences and my brain starts trying to get myself to feel good by going back in my past and thinking I could have been a different person.
I've always been a withdrawn person, even when very young. Introverted, somewhat intelligent, not particularly imaginative and kinda against the grain. As a child I had very few friends and started to feel out of place when socializing at about the age of five, which is the earliest I can remember of the malicious thought-pattern emerging. This coincided with being ostracized and starting to cut myself off into my own little world.
School was a constantly tedious, painful and embarrassing. One of the main problems that the teachers, and later other students, caused for me was praising my intelligence. At first I was always told by the teachers that I'm, exceptionally or not, intelligent. I guess this turned out to be very forming of my habits because it was the only thing I thought was good about me--it was the only thing people said was good about me. As my peers didn't start giving me the same sort of praise until the 8th grade and because I soon became ignored by all 'cept for a few, I turned to fantasies for any sort emotional reassurance.
The main theme of my 'delusions' (that's what I've come to regard them as, because of their scope and intensity) was imagining that I'm exceptionally intelligent and talented. Making friends, getting cozy with girls, being 'cool' and stumping others with my strength were also popular with the crowd, all due to my insecurities, but they didn't manage to be as overwhelming as the first one. The only exception was when I managed to 'fall in love' (that is, creeping out a girl who I thought was cute because by then I had become almost totally withdrawn from social interaction other than institutional), that episode managed to occupy my mind for about 6 months, and because the emotional response I got from those fantasies was so intense, it only helped to further embed the pattern.
My school life culminated with dropping out. Afterwards I tried to travel, thought that might help me (this is the first time I'm trying to ask for advice). It only made me realize that I've severed the both the possibility of becoming emotionally involved with anyone in any meaningful way, and finding any meaning in my life without first setting my head straight, a task that starts to seem impossible (my grasp of grammar sucks but the comma means I think I might only be able to find meaning, feeling connected to others doesn't even cross my _clear_ mind anymore).
This, I think is enough background and enough explanation of my reasoning why I think I am the way I am. Now, to explain the thoughts themselves, not that I ought to prolong this post.
The episode's structure is simple. The triggers are similar; list of the main three:
1. Feelings of inferiority. Trying to cope with inferiority is probably why I even think like that, only from here has it expanded to other triggers. Or I guess you could also bring it under the same header of not feeling good enough about myself.
2. Any sort of tedious activity, mainly work. This can be either be out of boredom or tiredness. Helps me to deal with the drudge and escape into my cozy fantasies.
3. Doing anything productive that I like. This is one of the most disheartening. Whether I'm learning a new skill, or setting a new strength record, or just doing something well, I go into a fantasy no longer than 30 minutes after I've started which kills my mood and makes me sad.
Examples:
1. Retrospective awesomeness: This is where I go back into a certain time in my life which didn't have happy moments and try to imagine how I would change them. I might conjure myself into a child prodigy excelling in mostly intellectual areas. Say I'm a little physics genius. I will try to imagine people's admiration of my abilities and being obviously superior to others. In the fantasy I will have no flaws that don't make me interesting or worthy of compassion, I will be highly regarded, I will solve 'problems' that I actually know very little about (physics is interesting but as with everything else, I am incapable of immersing in it because of my 'problem').
The other side of it is, I guess, more common. I'll go back in my head to some conflict or embarassing situation and cange something that is contingent on the situation: fight back at the bully, not fail with a witty saying, not give the stupid answer to a question etc.
2. Prospective awesomeness: Similar to the previous one, only that I won't change something in my past. I'll take a cue from my present and become this superman. Am I reading a book? In the image I'll have mastered the book, the subject, the field, the 500 year intellectual tradition, the bordering fields, every half-significant book written about it, the authors, their wives, their dogs and every one of their interests. Lifting weights? Why, I'm the buffest you could ever come across, I crush houses and make women swoon, I'm a Greek god and my godliness is only matched by my modesty. And should I try to learn something new I won't get very far. If I try programming I'm incapable of learning anything because I'm too busy with thinking how I've revolutionized the field. Should I try and learn a new trade skill I'm already stacking paper to the ceiling before going through the first page of an introductory pamphlet. In a competitive most of my energy is spent thinking how I've already risen to the top of the score board, striking ear into the hearts of my enemies.
3. Feeling alone is not awesome: This is my 'sanest' patter. A bit different from the previous two but I still think they have the same source. When I'm in this mode I'll be able to somewhat think and analyze my actions. What I'll do is take a person from my other fantasies and talk to them. I'll comment what I think of a problem, what I am doing or will do. There is never a response, it is a monologue, but not just to myself. I seem to need to feel connected so thinking in my own voice to the real me is very difficult. This comment-mode is most of the time there (like 80%) when I'm actually doing something productive. I do think this one is just as bad as the others in terms of reinforcing the habit, but it is damn near the only way I can actually get stuff done.
The structure of an episode is the same. I go back, or infer from my past and go forward, to a time when I wasn't happy with my life (I've never been happy with my life), I'll add a personal attribute in the described overexaggerated proportions and I'll relive for a period of time onwards in a way that makes me happy.
When I was younger the episodes oten lasted for hours. While I never conjured up the details in realistic amounts, from around the ages 14-18 they were the most encompassing. It usually ended with being interrupted by some occurance in real life or when I had syphoned off enough happy emotions to go onward. Nowadays they rarely last longer than 10 minutes with the exception of maybe one episode per two days that can stretch out to an hour. I guess the main reason behind the change is that I have come to regard them as illness and start feeling increasingly disgusted and bitter about myself. As I rarely become overwhelmed by them I see how compulsive they really are.
So the length now is usually 1-2 minutes, with only about 5% being around 10 mins. Because the plot structure is always the same, I've omitted almost all of the details except for the ones that are necessary for the story to make any sense. Also, a lot of them only get triggered, skip the imagined conversations and actions and head straight to imagining my greatness. And because they have become so automatic I am becoming ever more concerned with them because even when I'm in my 'sanest' of voices I can still feel them lingering, ready to go into a full episode. I might tell myself to stop and they will for 5-10 secs but they reemerge right away.
These almost non-noticeable ones are becoming more and more common. That is, the fantasies have almost no structure left, what does remain is the emotional response (becoming a tiny bit happy) but because I've also regarded them as bad things for years now (since I was around 14) what follows the good feeling is a bad feeling: disgust with mysel and my behavior, panic that I'm becoming consumed by it, panic over wasting my life, hopelessness as I see this compulsion as an inevitable part of everything I do.
Okay, should start to wrap up the explanation.
The main effects it has had on me:
1. Dissociation from reality. Emotions other than fear have no dimensions. Perception of time is extremely skewed, it's as if my day starts over after every episode and while my bodily needs and schedule infuence my mood and energy levels. All I can see myself as is a mocking of a human that has been wrapped by poisonous vines. I cannot live as this 'sickness' has its hold over me, blocking my senses and mudding my mind. But I cannot die as it is what is keeping me alive: its bittersweet fluid is what I live off of, the emotions it grants me are the only ones I can ever have, its specters the only people I have ever known.
2. Constant dissatisfaction with myself. As I said, an episode is followed by disgust and as the episodes are becoming almost a constant part of my conscious life, so is the disgust. Constant self-criticism that has nothing constructive about it and fear of my future simply causes an episode to comfort myself.
3. A meaningless life. The more I look back on my life the more I see the pervasiveness of the 'illness'. The only happy memories I have come from long fantasy-sessions, all the feelings of accomplishment are from self-obsessed lies. Every thought I have had have been directed by the delusion, every interest have only been there to serve it. I am not real, I'm see-through, I have no dimensions, 'I' am simply a point in space where 'the creature' can anchor itself. I don't have myself, I don't have direction and I don't have meaning.
4. Paranoia, doubt and the desire to become unconscious. This is based on the previous effects. The paranoia is due to fearing that every next action that I take is not because of any sincere desire or need, but because of a manifestation of the compulsion. I doubt all attempts to better myself, I doubt all my perceptions, the validity of the decisions I make, the truthfulness of the conclusions I come to. And because I am becoming so damn tired of it all, I am losing hope that I can ever shake this off me and I'd rather rest in automation, in senselessness and maybe, failing the others, in death.
So yeah, lots of text, but this is the result of years of a fermentation of an over-analysing mind. Also, English is not my native language so what I wrote is probably grammatically a little bit quirky.
But srsly, help pl0x
Gots no money for I-bill-by-the-hour.
Hello, I'm a 19 year old guy who is thinking he has OCD. Whether my self-diagnosis is on-point or not, something is wrong with me without a doubt.
The problem is compulsive thoughts.
I have compulsive fantasies constantly. They're all the same kind and while I'm not too good at this kind of description, I'll try to give a few general examples and details.
I can almost only think in a fashion where I converse with other people, usually people I've known throughout my life. Rarely family members and more often than not former classmates and teachers. While the setting of the fantasy might differ, the plot is always the same (though I've lately been skipping the plot and gone straight to the payoff). Something reminds me of my earlier experiences and my brain starts trying to get myself to feel good by going back in my past and thinking I could have been a different person.
I've always been a withdrawn person, even when very young. Introverted, somewhat intelligent, not particularly imaginative and kinda against the grain. As a child I had very few friends and started to feel out of place when socializing at about the age of five, which is the earliest I can remember of the malicious thought-pattern emerging. This coincided with being ostracized and starting to cut myself off into my own little world.
School was a constantly tedious, painful and embarrassing. One of the main problems that the teachers, and later other students, caused for me was praising my intelligence. At first I was always told by the teachers that I'm, exceptionally or not, intelligent. I guess this turned out to be very forming of my habits because it was the only thing I thought was good about me--it was the only thing people said was good about me. As my peers didn't start giving me the same sort of praise until the 8th grade and because I soon became ignored by all 'cept for a few, I turned to fantasies for any sort emotional reassurance.
The main theme of my 'delusions' (that's what I've come to regard them as, because of their scope and intensity) was imagining that I'm exceptionally intelligent and talented. Making friends, getting cozy with girls, being 'cool' and stumping others with my strength were also popular with the crowd, all due to my insecurities, but they didn't manage to be as overwhelming as the first one. The only exception was when I managed to 'fall in love' (that is, creeping out a girl who I thought was cute because by then I had become almost totally withdrawn from social interaction other than institutional), that episode managed to occupy my mind for about 6 months, and because the emotional response I got from those fantasies was so intense, it only helped to further embed the pattern.
My school life culminated with dropping out. Afterwards I tried to travel, thought that might help me (this is the first time I'm trying to ask for advice). It only made me realize that I've severed the both the possibility of becoming emotionally involved with anyone in any meaningful way, and finding any meaning in my life without first setting my head straight, a task that starts to seem impossible (my grasp of grammar sucks but the comma means I think I might only be able to find meaning, feeling connected to others doesn't even cross my _clear_ mind anymore).
This, I think is enough background and enough explanation of my reasoning why I think I am the way I am. Now, to explain the thoughts themselves, not that I ought to prolong this post.
The episode's structure is simple. The triggers are similar; list of the main three:
1. Feelings of inferiority. Trying to cope with inferiority is probably why I even think like that, only from here has it expanded to other triggers. Or I guess you could also bring it under the same header of not feeling good enough about myself.
2. Any sort of tedious activity, mainly work. This can be either be out of boredom or tiredness. Helps me to deal with the drudge and escape into my cozy fantasies.
3. Doing anything productive that I like. This is one of the most disheartening. Whether I'm learning a new skill, or setting a new strength record, or just doing something well, I go into a fantasy no longer than 30 minutes after I've started which kills my mood and makes me sad.
Examples:
1. Retrospective awesomeness: This is where I go back into a certain time in my life which didn't have happy moments and try to imagine how I would change them. I might conjure myself into a child prodigy excelling in mostly intellectual areas. Say I'm a little physics genius. I will try to imagine people's admiration of my abilities and being obviously superior to others. In the fantasy I will have no flaws that don't make me interesting or worthy of compassion, I will be highly regarded, I will solve 'problems' that I actually know very little about (physics is interesting but as with everything else, I am incapable of immersing in it because of my 'problem').
The other side of it is, I guess, more common. I'll go back in my head to some conflict or embarassing situation and cange something that is contingent on the situation: fight back at the bully, not fail with a witty saying, not give the stupid answer to a question etc.
2. Prospective awesomeness: Similar to the previous one, only that I won't change something in my past. I'll take a cue from my present and become this superman. Am I reading a book? In the image I'll have mastered the book, the subject, the field, the 500 year intellectual tradition, the bordering fields, every half-significant book written about it, the authors, their wives, their dogs and every one of their interests. Lifting weights? Why, I'm the buffest you could ever come across, I crush houses and make women swoon, I'm a Greek god and my godliness is only matched by my modesty. And should I try to learn something new I won't get very far. If I try programming I'm incapable of learning anything because I'm too busy with thinking how I've revolutionized the field. Should I try and learn a new trade skill I'm already stacking paper to the ceiling before going through the first page of an introductory pamphlet. In a competitive most of my energy is spent thinking how I've already risen to the top of the score board, striking ear into the hearts of my enemies.
3. Feeling alone is not awesome: This is my 'sanest' patter. A bit different from the previous two but I still think they have the same source. When I'm in this mode I'll be able to somewhat think and analyze my actions. What I'll do is take a person from my other fantasies and talk to them. I'll comment what I think of a problem, what I am doing or will do. There is never a response, it is a monologue, but not just to myself. I seem to need to feel connected so thinking in my own voice to the real me is very difficult. This comment-mode is most of the time there (like 80%) when I'm actually doing something productive. I do think this one is just as bad as the others in terms of reinforcing the habit, but it is damn near the only way I can actually get stuff done.
The structure of an episode is the same. I go back, or infer from my past and go forward, to a time when I wasn't happy with my life (I've never been happy with my life), I'll add a personal attribute in the described overexaggerated proportions and I'll relive for a period of time onwards in a way that makes me happy.
When I was younger the episodes oten lasted for hours. While I never conjured up the details in realistic amounts, from around the ages 14-18 they were the most encompassing. It usually ended with being interrupted by some occurance in real life or when I had syphoned off enough happy emotions to go onward. Nowadays they rarely last longer than 10 minutes with the exception of maybe one episode per two days that can stretch out to an hour. I guess the main reason behind the change is that I have come to regard them as illness and start feeling increasingly disgusted and bitter about myself. As I rarely become overwhelmed by them I see how compulsive they really are.
So the length now is usually 1-2 minutes, with only about 5% being around 10 mins. Because the plot structure is always the same, I've omitted almost all of the details except for the ones that are necessary for the story to make any sense. Also, a lot of them only get triggered, skip the imagined conversations and actions and head straight to imagining my greatness. And because they have become so automatic I am becoming ever more concerned with them because even when I'm in my 'sanest' of voices I can still feel them lingering, ready to go into a full episode. I might tell myself to stop and they will for 5-10 secs but they reemerge right away.
These almost non-noticeable ones are becoming more and more common. That is, the fantasies have almost no structure left, what does remain is the emotional response (becoming a tiny bit happy) but because I've also regarded them as bad things for years now (since I was around 14) what follows the good feeling is a bad feeling: disgust with mysel and my behavior, panic that I'm becoming consumed by it, panic over wasting my life, hopelessness as I see this compulsion as an inevitable part of everything I do.
Okay, should start to wrap up the explanation.
The main effects it has had on me:
1. Dissociation from reality. Emotions other than fear have no dimensions. Perception of time is extremely skewed, it's as if my day starts over after every episode and while my bodily needs and schedule infuence my mood and energy levels. All I can see myself as is a mocking of a human that has been wrapped by poisonous vines. I cannot live as this 'sickness' has its hold over me, blocking my senses and mudding my mind. But I cannot die as it is what is keeping me alive: its bittersweet fluid is what I live off of, the emotions it grants me are the only ones I can ever have, its specters the only people I have ever known.
2. Constant dissatisfaction with myself. As I said, an episode is followed by disgust and as the episodes are becoming almost a constant part of my conscious life, so is the disgust. Constant self-criticism that has nothing constructive about it and fear of my future simply causes an episode to comfort myself.
3. A meaningless life. The more I look back on my life the more I see the pervasiveness of the 'illness'. The only happy memories I have come from long fantasy-sessions, all the feelings of accomplishment are from self-obsessed lies. Every thought I have had have been directed by the delusion, every interest have only been there to serve it. I am not real, I'm see-through, I have no dimensions, 'I' am simply a point in space where 'the creature' can anchor itself. I don't have myself, I don't have direction and I don't have meaning.
4. Paranoia, doubt and the desire to become unconscious. This is based on the previous effects. The paranoia is due to fearing that every next action that I take is not because of any sincere desire or need, but because of a manifestation of the compulsion. I doubt all attempts to better myself, I doubt all my perceptions, the validity of the decisions I make, the truthfulness of the conclusions I come to. And because I am becoming so damn tired of it all, I am losing hope that I can ever shake this off me and I'd rather rest in automation, in senselessness and maybe, failing the others, in death.
So yeah, lots of text, but this is the result of years of a fermentation of an over-analysing mind. Also, English is not my native language so what I wrote is probably grammatically a little bit quirky.
But srsly, help pl0x
) I didn't have that much of them though..