Making contact on a dating site - advice wanted

[nightcrawler]

I have belonged to a dating site for a while now, but have never made contact with anyone yet (for various reasons). Anyway, someone has just sent me a "flirt" and I quite like her. She's attractive, and I like her profile. Thing is I haven't dated for a LONG time, so just the thought of dating again petrifies me! Obviously due to this, and coupled with my SA, I would rather get to know someone a bit first before actually meeting them in person. How would you go about this? Should I just swap emails with her for a while first, and get a better idea of what she's like? Chat on the phone? Or go down an alternative route? Also her profile says she lives in London - but doesn't say what part...London is a big place! If she lives right over the other side of London to me then I may not be interested in dating her - does that sound unreasonable on my part? Obviously I've thought things through far too far already! Anyway, any advice would be welcome.

 

[maiato]

Well i dont know what kind of dating site it is, but i'm curious : P but if u dont have pay to date, probably u wont will get a date without get to know the person first. Just start changing some emails and get a feedback of her. Being cute is not enough believe! U might want to have some information, liker her 2...So email, facebook, phone number, date...for this order should be quite normal! Good luck, get the girl!!

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I've watched my om use dating sites for several years and this is how it usually goes:

1- the flirt (you got that part, so good for you! initial contact achieved!)
2- the introduction (and you're stuck here, right?)

Here's my advice; Write her a message- something less than 150 words if you can. Short and sweet.
You can compliment her a bit (don't go overboard or you'll creep her out... anything less than 'you're adorable! we shall be married in the morrow!' should probably be alright), introduce yourself a bit more formally and maybe comment on something that she had on her profile like a hobby that you have in common.
Use regular speech format... no short forms or like... substituting 'late' for l8- it seems lazy. (and it's dumb. just saying. XD)

The next step will be up to her to respond to you.
Give it a couple of days since not everyone goes online every day.
After talking through messages for awhile, you can ask her to exchange emails.
Some girls will get freaked out if you immediately want a phone conversation but asking for a date- setting the time and meeting place seems okay so long as you're going somewhere in public.

 

[nightcrawler]

Thanks for your feedback guys, especially WeirdyMcGee's post Haven't responded to her yet, but realise I gotta do it soon. Will get back to her sometime over the weekend.

 

[nightcrawler]

I've belonged to one of those dating sites a few months ago, and the messages that stood out to me the most (and the ones I replied to) were those who expressed interest in both something specific I mentioned in my profile that the other messenger had in common with me.

I still remember the first message of the guy who got me... he introduced himself formally in the beginning, complimented my taste in music and movies, and asked further questions about my interests. In my profile I listed art as one of my biggest interests, and he asked what type of art I usually go for and this quickly led into conversation.

I agree with everything WeirdyMcGee wrote. However, be careful with the compliments about looks specifically, they're a bit offputting when you don't quite know the girl yet. I almost never replied to messages like that. Personality compliments like "you seem easygoing and genuine" are acceptable in my opinion.

OkCupid actually did an analysis on first messages and what got the most replies vs which ones didn't. It's interesting, you should check it out

Exactly What To Say In A First Message OkTrends

Good luck!!

Thanks for your advice. I found the link quite interesting too. I don't think I would refer to someone's looks in my first post anyway - the simple fact I'm contacting them should be enough to show I'm obviously attracted to them. If you don't mind me asking - of the ones you replied too did you actually go on any dates? And if so how many messages or how long had you been messaging/emailing each other before meeting up in person? Also (sorry! last question I promise : if you've been in contact with someone (but not met in person) and then decide you're not interested how did you stop communicating? Simply stop replying to their messages, block them, or tell them?

 

[Mrs_shy]

I think meet up with someone after (roughly) around 20 emails. Then it's texting for a short time. Then arrange a date by text.

If you don't like someone you can tell them you didn't feel that connection. Or say you found someone.

 

[SM1010]

I've been on a couple dating sites for close to two years now. Had a lot of success. I've met 10+ women in person and got double to triple that in phone numbers (but didn't end up meeting them for various reasons).

If you or they lose interest just stop messaging them. That's pretty much how it works. Unfortunately it does happen a lot, so don't get your hopes up TOO much with this one woman.

Honestly I usually ask the woman I'm messaging if she wants to meet up within 5 messages (only counting the ones I'm sending). If she's not comfortable meeting up by then she's probably going to end up flaking either way. Another sad fact about online dating, there are a lot of flakes.

Definitely don't compliment physical looks. Keep it light hearted and don't be afraid of joking around with her. The key to dating sites are being able to make them laugh (obviously they have to find you attractive too).

I'd strongly recommend meeting up with her if you get that far. It's great exposure therapy for those of us who have SA. You can take however long you want, but the longer you wait to ask her out the more a chance she'll lose interest. Attractive women on dating sites get 20-50 messages A DAY. You're competing with a lot of other dudes.

EDIT: Hopefully that hope spiel doesn't freak you out too much lol.