Low self esteem and hypocrites

[FriendlyShadow]

I'd like to start off by saying (most of you should already know by now) that I don't consider myself to be an attractive person. I think average or plain looking is the best definition that suits me. Thing is, is that I have the habit of enjoying to giving compliments to others (maybe it's because I feel like I have to do it anyways) but I have this strong aversion towards others who compliment me back. They always say "Oh, you have such pretty hair"(I get that a lot but I think my hair is really dry and too thick." "Oh, you should smile more."(This one I hate. I hate my teeth because they're always yellow and I don't think its necessary that I need to be told that if I don't feel like smiling."

Almost all of the time, I wear my hair back because for some reason I guess if my hair is down and long, then people will really go overboard with the compliments. I guess because I look "beautiful" to everyone, then I must attain certain qualities a female should have (make up, gossip, ect) and I hate that in those people' minds, that's how I do act but it's not true. Even when the shy guys look at me while I have my back turned, I feel that they get the idea that I'm one of those "popular" people who won't give them the time of day and are flirtatious. The truth is behind all of that prettiness and kindness is actually a mask I'm wearing. I'm the same socially inept, clumsy, push over fool lying beneath. I don't want these people to get the wrong idea that I am what they think I am. I read sites like yahoo answers and see bunch of these questions that kind of make me feel sort of guilty inside. Some of those people online say it's annoying to always try and bring up the person's self esteem and that they won't believe them.

But for my case, they don't know what my whole story is about. I've had plenty of unfortunate and terrible things happen to me that I can't expect myself to get over. I'm not expecting answers on here like, just build your self esteem. Nope, sorry that's not enough. As for hypocrites, I have no idea why it's okay when others will tell themselves that they're "ugly" or "they're not as pretty as their friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, ect" but when the other person claims they are ugly and is related to one of those people, then the other person will say "No, don't say that. You're pretty." I mean those people just go out of their way to try and change someone, but they're so oblivious they don't recognize that they need help for THEIR self esteem as well. I think if one person isn't going to believe that they are "worthy", then why should I feel that way about myself either. I don't think of myself as girl next door type, a tramp, a popular girl, or any category. I think I just think of myself as a person. That I'm just a person living in the world. Maybe I should just stop caring if I'm pretty or not from now on, though it won't be easy because there's so many freaking people out there who want to take my pictures, telling me to smile, and complimenting me. It's going to be ******* hard to do.

To all of you who will comment on this thread, please feel free to share similar experiences. Please don't tell me things that I need to raise my self esteem more or that oh it'll get better. I just want you to tell me if you have ever related to any of this. Thank you.

 

[Megaten]

You might have to drag the female members out of hiding on this one if you're looking for a similar experience. Anyways we're our own worse critics, especially when we have self esteem issues. So if someone thinks they're crap but praises you, it doesnt make what they said about you total bs. It's also beneficial (in a human sense) to try and build others up from what Ive been seeing lately. Complimenting someone increases the likelihood they'll say nice things right back.

 

[planemo]

I can understand where you're coming from, but as Megaten said it doesn't mean a compliment from someone with low self esteem means they're lying to you. I feel hypocritical about giving advice and telling people that they're good in so many ways, because I know I should be feeling that way about myself, first. It doesn't mean what I said was insincere though.

But I can understand why one would question something like that. I think the best answer is simply perspective. Your perspective about yourself is much more profound than any other persons of you. We tend to be most critical of ourselves and therefore it's easier to see good in other, a lot easier than it is to see that exact same good in ourselves. Our experiences and beliefs about ourselves can be different from our beliefs of others. It is possible, but it does seem somewhat paradoxical.

I have very low self esteem to put it mildly. I have been teased and ridiculed for various reasons, but I've also been complimented. I shrug off compliments because I feel I don't deserve them. I internalize criticism because I feel it is deserved. Maybe you feel sensitive about compliments because you feel you don't deserve them. i know on the rare occasions I do get one, I actually feel more embarrassed than when I'm being laughed at.

It's because it takes me to a place of insecurity. It makes me question whether my estimation of myself is correct. It forces me to rethink my beliefs about myself, and it's much easier to shrug of the compliment or to feel the other person is being insincere, or is high

 

[FriendlyShadow]

You might have to drag the female members out of hiding on this one if you're looking for a similar experience. Anyways we're our own worse critics, especially when we have self esteem issues. So if someone thinks they're crap but praises you, it doesnt make what they said about you total bs. It's also beneficial (in a human sense) to try and build others up from what Ive been seeing lately. Complimenting someone increases the likelihood they'll say nice things right back.

I know most people would use the phrase "we are our own worst critics", but I also do believe that there are some people out there who have higher self esteem or are better to cope with things more than others. My sister, for example, is the complete opposite of me. She is those people that do have high self esteem and she also questions why I feel the way I do about my appearance. She doesn't understand because she has different personality spectrum. Maybe the quote is partially true for many people in the world, but I don't think other people out there suffer from it as greatly because they've probably never experienced what it's like to have low self esteem. What I say about me being socially inept, clumsy, my hair is dry, and all those other attributes I have are indeed true. Even my family and other people around me comment how shy I am and I'm socially awkward or that my hair is dry and thick. It's not that I'm saying those things out of low self esteem because it's already true. This is why I complain about having these types of qualities about myself because it is difficult for me to cope with. As for not being a "girl next door type", sl*t, popular girl, ect that is also true. Sure, I might have the social awkwardness but I don't think I'd classify myself as a nerd either. I'm just simply a person.

Also, I think I made a misunderstanding about someone who thinks they look crap but compliments me. I don't take it as if they're being dishonest with me, but I'm saying they're hypocritical judging themselves by their appearance that they are not as attractive, but then they try and "fix" me because I don't think that I'm attractive. If one person can talk bad about the way they look or how they act, then why should I not have a reason to do so too? If you're friends with someone and they complain all their life about how unattractive they feel/look and the other person tells them how great they look, they'll be typical and respond with "ughh, yeah right my hair looks like a mess. I'm fat. I look horrible without make up, ect" But the OTHER person who has low self esteem and thinks that they aren't attractive but compliments the other "friend" that they look good, the friend will say something like "No, I look like crap. You look beautiful." and then they might try to change that person or ask silly questions on yahoo asking one of my friends has low self esteem about him/herself, how can I try to improve it and by the way I don't have any self esteem either. I know it's not a good example, but don't be a hypocrite saying that you want to try and change someone when you also have the same issue you need to work on as well. I don't think it's fair to change someone when you have problems yourself too.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Another thing I'd like to add is when people say that "Oh, maybe you can change the way you look or put some make up on so you'll feel better." (scoffs) Uh huh, yeah just by putting on a blush of make up will improve things for me very quickly. I don't think it helps that I'm the one who always has to change the way I percieve things/my appearance because everything will still remain the same. I think I'd only attract people who only like me for looks alone, I don't know what good it'll do to change myself because I don't think I'm attractive. It won't change anything. Something else I wanted to add was that I think people associate that I am supposed to wear girly outfits, or be a diva, or be bubbly because girls who are girly have those types of traits. My sister's friend even said to me we need to teach you how to be a diva or oh come on Jamie why don't you like shopping. I wish I was more like a guy so I won't have to get anymore of this bullsh*t from others. This is why I hate being around girls who are like this because they'll have to find some way to change me or bring me down because I'm not them.

 

[PhillipJFry]

I actually like having low self-esteem. I tried being less self-centered and narcissistic once, but it was terrible not getting to think about everything that's wrong with me, or comparing myself to others all the time.

 

[Aylaa]

Also, I think I made a misunderstanding about someone who thinks they look crap but compliments me. I don't take it as if they're being dishonest with me, but I'm saying they're hypocritical judging themselves by their appearance that they are not as attractive, but then they try and "fix" me because I don't think that I'm attractive. If one person can talk bad about the way they look or how they act, then why should I not have a reason to do so too? If you're friends with someone and they complain all their life about how unattractive they feel/look and the other person tells them how great they look, they'll be typical and respond with "ughh, yeah right my hair looks like a mess. I'm fat. I look horrible without make up, ect" But the OTHER person who has low self esteem and thinks that they aren't attractive but compliments the other "friend" that they look good, the friend will say something like "No, I look like crap. You look beautiful." and then they might try to change that person or ask silly questions on yahoo asking one of my friends has low self esteem about him/herself, how can I try to improve it and by the way I don't have any self esteem either. I know it's not a good example, but don't be a hypocrite saying that you want to try and change someone when you also have the same issue you need to work on as well. I don't think it's fair to change someone when you have problems yourself too.

I don't think this has anything to do with being a hypocrite.

I am one of those people who calls herself ugly but doesn't want her friends to say they're ugly.
I know I have low self esteem and that's an issue I have to work on. I absolutely hate how I feel and I wouldn't wish low self esteem on anyone. I don't WANT to feel ugly. So of course I don't want my friends to feel like that, either! It's not that I feel they don't have a right to not like how they look, it's just that I don't want them to feel bad because I care about them.

I think that people who want you to "change" mean well. I don't see it so much as a "you have to change!" but more as an encouragement/reassurance.

It's incredibly hard to work on your own self esteem, it's easy to tell someone else they're beautiful. Maybe some people do take the easy way out and only focus on other people instead of themselves. But that is not any criticism towards you.

And I do think it is hard to understand, for someone who sees themselves as unattractive, and 100% believes this, why someone they see as more beautiful would feel ugly.

 

[Megaten]

What I say about me being socially inept, clumsy, my hair is dry, and all those other attributes I have are indeed true. Even my family and other people around me comment how shy I am and I'm socially awkward or that my hair is dry and thick. It's not that I'm saying those things out of low self esteem because it's already true.

Yeah but those arent end-of-the-world qualities to have as a person. It'd be another story if you were like "yeah sometimes I set fire to people" or something. Hell Id like to change my whole race but that doesnt make it inherently bad.

As for not being a "girl next door type", sl*t, popular girl, ect that is also true. Sure, I might have the social awkwardness but I don't think I'd classify myself as a nerd either. I'm just simply a person.

Although I consider myself a nerd, it's probably for the best that you dont assign labels then. Labels come with generalizations.

Also, I think I made a misunderstanding about someone who thinks they look crap but compliments me. I don't take it as if they're being dishonest with me, but I'm saying they're hypocritical judging themselves by their appearance that they are not as attractive, but then they try and "fix" me because I don't think that I'm attractive. If one person can talk bad about the way they look or how they act, then why should I not have a reason to do so too? If you're friends with someone and they complain all their life about how unattractive they feel/look and the other person tells them how great they look, they'll be typical and respond with "ughh, yeah right my hair looks like a mess. I'm fat. I look horrible without make up, ect" But the OTHER person who has low self esteem and thinks that they aren't attractive but compliments the other "friend" that they look good, the friend will say something like "No, I look like crap. You look beautiful." and then they might try to change that person or ask silly questions on yahoo asking one of my friends has low self esteem about him/herself, how can I try to improve it and by the way I don't have any self esteem either. I know it's not a good example, but don't be a hypocrite saying that you want to try and change someone when you also have the same issue you need to work on as well. I don't think it's fair to change someone when you have problems yourself too.

They only do that because they're nice people. Thats what it comes down to. Ive met quite a few people in my lifetime that will go out of their way to make you feel like crap because they dont like themselves. Or people could take the neutral ground and just focus on themselves and not say anything even if they see you struggling. Just being all around cold or emotionally unavailable.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

I don't think this has anything to do with being a hypocrite.

I am one of those people who calls herself ugly but doesn't want her friends to say they're ugly.
I know I have low self esteem and that's an issue I have to work on. I absolutely hate how I feel and I wouldn't wish low self esteem on anyone. I don't WANT to feel ugly. So of course I don't want my friends to feel like that, either! It's not that I feel they don't have a right to not like how they look, it's just that I don't want them to feel bad because I care about them.

I think that people who want you to "change" mean well. I don't see it so much as a "you have to change!" but more as an encouragement/reassurance.

It's incredibly hard to work on your own self esteem, it's easy to tell someone else they're beautiful. Maybe some people do take the easy way out and only focus on other people instead of themselves. But that is not any criticism towards you.

And I do think it is hard to understand, for someone who sees themselves as unattractive, and 100% believes this, why someone they see as more beautiful would feel ugly.

I know that the people around me care about me and want to raise my hopes and self esteem, but they're doing it incorrectly. The people who want me to change are for my outer appearance, in other words means they want to convince me into putting on make up and trying on dresses and then make me feel guilty afterwards that I won't do those things. This is why I feel that I "have" to change because others are actually adding more of the pressure that I have to fix things that aren't important. I know that I have little to no self esteem to begin with and it is partly due to traumatic experiences I've dealt with in the past that I can't share with anyone because they don't understand. I agree, that maybe I can just accept what I am and what I have, but I'll still have that burden that I have to carry over my back as the years go by. My parents are unfortunately the main targets when it comes to low self esteem and no matter how much I try and tell them that they look fine/attractive, they won't believe a word I say. The difference is that I don't try to change them. They have to want to change just as much I have to want to change myself. It's hard to understand why people would waste their time trying to force someone to change when the person has to have the willing to do it on their own themselves.

 

[FriendlyShadow]

Yeah but those arent end-of-the-world qualities to have as a person. It'd be another story if you were like "yeah sometimes I set fire to people" or something. Hell Id like to change my whole race but that doesnt make it inherently bad.

I only tell myself those things because the people around me exaggerate and assume that my qualities of being socially awkward and too nice are deemed as sins. My parents, seemingly people who are unfortunately the main contributors of low self esteem have been telling themselves for years that they think they're fat/ugly/slobs/ you name it. No matter how much I try to tell them otherwise, they won't believe a word I say and whenever I talk cr*p about myself, they say "But we always tell you how good you look. Of course you'd say that. Maybe you can put some make up on or something." I know that in their mind they are trying to help me, but being me, I feel like I've been carrying a weight load of pressure on myself because I don't follow a certain criteria that others wish I was. They're just dragging me down again and again. It's because of the fact people love to point out how shy, awkward, nerdiness that I have, that my traits are supposedly one of the worst things I could have. I wished I was never born with social anxiety and I wish I wasn't so easily timid around others so that maybe, I won't have such a hard time socializing.

Although I consider myself a nerd, it's probably for the best that you dont assign labels then. Labels come with generalizations.

I don't try to label people in categories, but I'm speaking of that that I don't want others to assume I'm any "stereotype" either. I know that these stereotypes unfortunately exist in our world with society and I don't want people assuming that I fall under being the pretty girl, a nerd, ect.

They only do that because they're nice people. Thats what it comes down to. Ive met quite a few people in my lifetime that will go out of their way to make you feel like crap because they dont like themselves. Or people could take the neutral ground and just focus on themselves and not say anything even if they see you struggling. Just being all around cold or emotionally unavailable.

I respect that they want to help raise my self esteem, but I don't appreciate them trying gulit trip/pressure me into liking things that I'm not comfortable with. My sister goes on interrogating me with questions like "Why are you so quiet?" "How come you don't like shopping. I love to shop." There are other ignoramuses that tell me to "Speak" because I don't feel like saying anything to them. I don't understand why changing myself would make things better because everything else would still stay the same. Nothing changes. I am in no condition to stand up for myself because of all of these controlling people in my life and I have no way of getting rid of them. They're stuck with me like bugs. I don't appreciate that their are bullying people out there that emotionally abuse you and put you down, even when you are struggling.

 

[Megaten]

Hmm I dont think its possible to avoid people making assumptions about what kind of person you are. Until we get the ability to read minds, people can only draw fast conclusions based on their personal world views and what they see. Trying to dig any deeper with someone you just met would take way too long. So I wouldnt worry too much if someone thinks you're this or that unless you're specifically trying to get somewhere with them.

As for people trying to put you in makeup and doll you up. People are just going to do what worked for them personally. Obviously your sister is very standard when it comes to young women so putting on nice clothes and makeup is probably what makes her feel pretty and confident. But I believe what works will be for the most part slightly different for everyone, unless its love and acceptance which tends to work for most people but is darn hard to get. But yeah anyways, until you tell your family that, they'll probably just keep trying the same old stuff.

 

[Jessquietgirl]

Another thing I'd like to add is when people say that "Oh, maybe you can change the way you look or put some make up on so you'll feel better." (scoffs) Uh huh, yeah just by putting on a blush of make up will improve things for me very quickly. I don't think it helps that I'm the one who always has to change the way I percieve things/my appearance because everything will still remain the same. I think I'd only attract people who only like me for looks alone, I don't know what good it'll do to change myself because I don't think I'm attractive. It won't change anything. Something else I wanted to add was that I think people associate that I am supposed to wear girly outfits, or be a diva, or be bubbly because girls who are girly have those types of traits. My sister's friend even said to me we need to teach you how to be a diva or oh come on Jamie why don't you like shopping. I wish I was more like a guy so I won't have to get anymore of this bullsh*t from others. This is why I hate being around girls who are like this because they'll have to find some way to change me or bring me down because I'm not them.

Truth. This is why I have very few friends.