Love-Shyness

[Johnie]

Here is a topic that I Goggled; I sort of relate with it (a bit) :-

Love-Shyness

Love-shyness is a life-crippling condition. Victims of love-shyness are unable to marry, cannot have children, and do not participate in the normal adolescent and young adult activities of dating and courtship. Moreover, the heterosexual love-shy are often misperceived as homosexual. The never-married, heterosexually inactive man has long been known to be vulnerable to all manner of quite serious and often bizarre pathologies. In most cases, these men do not allow themselves to become involved in anything or in any activity, wholesome or otherwise, for which there is any kind of existent social support group. The love-shy do not have anybody to relate to as a friend or to count on for emotional support.

Love-shyness afflicts approximately 1.5 percent of most male populations. More succinctly, love-shyness will effectively prevent many of its male sufferers from ever marrying and from ever experiencing any form of intimate sexual contact with a woman."

I'm almost 40 and have never so much as kissed a woman, what's even worse (in a culture where men are expected to make the first move) I've never even had the courage to ask. I feel such shame about my secret but even worse is the pain of going everywhere and doing everything alone when everywhere I turn are couples.

(end quote)

Does anyone else relate to this?

 

[Yossarian]

I'm not love-shy but I relate to what you say about seeing couples. While I'm happy for them, it does hurt when you've been lonely for a long time. I guess maybe we should use it as motivation to be bolder. Easy to say :lol:

As for feeling shame. No way should you feel shame. You haven't done anything wrong. Being a human being means a hell of a lot more than sticking stuff in orifices. If there were something bad about not having courted then a lifetime of loneliness is punishment enough. Don't add to it.

I hope you find the strength or maybe luck (or both) for things to change.

 

[Johnie]

Yoss - I didn't write it, I just quoted it from a website. (I'm a plagiarist as well as an s-p!)

Most of it could be applied to me, but not that bit about shame. Certainly not! And that bit about the courage to ask - I would not put it quite like that. (Opportunity, avoidance maybe).

And (keep it quiet) I'm not 40. I am 55. Even worse.

I'll still accept your luck. See ya mate!

 

[Yossarian]

Doh! Yeah good luck anyway and to whoever wrote it

 

[Anonymous]

Hi cant believe nobody has replied to this post since september. The Quote is applies to me 'now' that I am older, Im 38 and feel that I will never meet anyone, I want to but Im so stand offish and unapproachable, I can understand why nobody would want to. I was always shy, but enjoyed life when I was younger and had quite a few relationships but even back then, when I think about it I always had to find an excuse to end a relationship, didnt matter how much I thought I loved him, I thought he would get to know the true me and end it. The real me being a very insecure, shy person who couldnt handle getting too close to someone. Now Im a very lonely person who has always wanted someone to love, and sees x boyfriends all happily married and wishes I was in their wives shoes. I think that their are probably a lot of people like the person in the quote in one way or another. My sp is probably not as bad as some people, with me it has effected me as I got older, my friends have all married or have partners and children and I am on my own now, and the thought of actually dating would give me palpatations. Id like to know what other people feel about how sp has effected their lives and how they cope with. I was taking prozac for 3 years untill I realised it was effecting my mood, not that my mood is any better now but Im not as deppressed. It did help in other ways, I dont thing I was as uneasy as i am without it. Does anyone know of any other method preferably herbal, appart from St Johns wart.

 

[lifesnotfair]

I am not happy with the couples i see.

And i am exactly Love-Shy, but with one difference, i DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH WOMEN or RELATIONSHIPS, there full of crap.

 

[Anonymous]

if you feel that way about women lifesnot fair then why are most of your posts about how you can't get a girl etc

 

[SomeGuy]

I know it is a long time since this thread was posted, but I wanted to add my 2 cents to it.

I qualify as "love-shy" I believe. I am a 35 year old male and have never been loved.

I don't know if I officially count as "love-shy" because the problem isn't simply that I'm too shy to ask. If I thought a woman was interested in me, I would happily ask. But I don't want to do anything inappropriate and approaching a woman who has given no sign of interest seems harrassing to me. The problem is - I never see signs that women have interest in me. I don't know if this means that they never have interest in me, or whether I am incapable of seeing signs of interest.

I really want to hear from other people who go through life without love. I am so sick of pretending to be normal (because this problem is not socially acceptable) and pretending to be happy (because I can't say why I'm unhappy without marking myself as a freak). I want to hear other people say that they know what I am going through.

 

[jourjaune]

The thought of someday falling in love is the only thing that keeps me going!

 

[lifesnotfair]

because they don't like me, even if i want to get a girl, i know in my heart that its not going to happen... Look how many people are in their 40's and still single???

I might as well admit it that it is not going to happen... girls aren't attracted to me no matter how i feel

 

[SomeGuy]

The thought of someday falling in love is the only thing that keeps me going!

It is hard to keep going without any hope of finding love. I find that fear of death does the trick though.

 

[wutnow]

The thought of someday falling in love is the only thing that keeps me going!

It is hard to keep going without any hope of finding love. I find that fear of death does the trick though.

Me too.

 

[sugaryberries]

Re: love-shyness

I'm basically young (18) but I've never had had any kind of contact with a male. I'm not boy crazy like my sister is and I wondered if my parents ever thought I was gay because I don't really express interest in males. The only touching contact I've ever had with males was from 11-14 and that was because I took karate.

I can't see myself getting married or ever being "in love" with anybody, just lust. It all seems so sappy and fake and I can't see myself telling someone anything serious about myself.

People continually ask me if I am dating someone or when am I going to get a boyfriend. I don't really think about it, but when someone brings it up it makes me feel guilty. This girl on my team even asked me if I even wanted a boyfriend and I'm like no not really (because I was going to college which was a convenient excuse). And her mother had asked my dad if I had guys come over to my house because she was bragging about how guys are always over at her house. He lied and said yes which I didn't really mind, because most things are about appearances. Some guy asked me if I'd ever had a boyfriend and I said no and he said why is it because you don't like guys?

 

[mistmephit]

Sometime I get to the point where I try to resign myself to the fact that I'm going to be alone forever.

I had a number of secret crushes, but every one of them turned out to have a boyfriend. As a result I've never kissed a woman or even gone on a date with one let alone anything else...

The thought of someday falling in love is the only thing that keeps me going!

It is hard to keep going without any hope of finding love. I find that fear of death does the trick though.

you don't know how right you are.

 

[kattness]

i know if me and my boyfriend broke up i wouldnt b able to find anyone else...... i have a feeling i will be alone forever and have no one. to make matters worse i know me and my boyfriend wont last (he lied afew times,looks at other girls blah blah blah)
would be nice to meet someone who understands me completely.... but who with s/p even goes out?


goodluck everyone

 

[clairet]

I agree with you, I stay with somebody who is inappropriate for me (as I am for him), well, for two reasons actually. I don't think I'll be able to find anybody else who'll "tolerate" me - my present boyfriend, doesn't really "see" me as it were so there is little chance of being "found out" (sorry lots of commas!) and secondly cos I just don't get out enough to meet other people and do not want to grow old alone. Utterly selfish and inexcusable behaviour really...

 

[mrblack]

well it's better to try everything to solve your problems then sink into your misery, by accepting that things won't change.

try researching the internet for those seduction sites. It may sound evil at first, but as you read you will find useful information about approaching women and how to keep conversations with them, and these are written by men who have studied for years around women and their past experiences.

fastseduction.com is a good one, and has a forum with people to get advice from.

i prefer david deangelo's material. you should sign up for his free newsletter and if that works, try out his stuff (which is pricey,)

almost all the time the male is going to have to approach the female, and even if the female approaches himl, the male should be able to speak for himself. rather than being skeptical on how to get better, we should give things a try, and most importantly force ourselves to make the change that we want.

It doesn't matter how old you are. If you meet a girl, you do not have to share your lonely past with her. I am sure she won't want to really hear it. Maybe after a while when thigns get better you can vaguely bring it up. But to suceed with women us men are going to have to master small talk. And this is going to be in conflict with our social phobia. We must use our will to remember this is complete bullshit. We are just basing everythign on dreadful past experiences.

Why not use these dreadful past experiences as tools, to know what NOT to do next time in a situation?

Just relax chill out, let gravity bring you down, lay back. breath slow (not fast), find a peace of mind, stop worrying, stop doing stuff that panics you

 

[countrybumpkin]

I would say MrBlack , that you are already ahead of everyone here if you can get to the point of laying back and relaxing.Ha ha. To everyone else , however , the only reason you will never meet anyone is if you are completely closed to the idea of meeting someone . As long as you are open to it , in time everyone will meet someone . True for guys especially , women can really feel your vibe if you're not open to the idea of meeting someone and will stay away . While it is less common for a woman to be the approacher or the pursuer , it does happen . I've been pursued myself a time or two and I'm by no means Brad Pitt or anything. I'm just a nice guy with a good sense of humour and I'm easy to get along with. Lifesnot fair it is definately your attitude more than anything else that is keeping women at bay , ease up a bit man , something good might just happen.

 

[captainb]

Hi there,
After looking up words such as "shy", "men" and "love" I came across this site. I have a crush on a guy who is 35. I am convinced he is "love shy" people have said to me he is interesed in me but doesnt know what to do. No one has ever heardof him seeing any girls in all of his 35 years.

I think he is an absolutely fantastic man but I am also fairly shy and dont want to come onto him for fear of embarrassment. We have sent a few text messages back and fourth but nothing else.

Would I turn him off if I was to take more initiative?

I am more used to being pursued by a man than chasing him so its a little out of my comfort zone.

Would love to hear advice of what a "shy man" would like a girl to do that may ease their fear, embarrassment, pain, in this situation.

Thanks a bunch

 

[haze]

havent really got many tips for you captainb i dont really have many tips for you other then dont comeon too strong or put to much pressure on him because he might just say no out of fear, i should know.