Losing touch with old friends

[of_darkness]

It's annoying me now. I definately have two friends who I trust. no doubt about that, they don't deceive me and or make me feel left out.

But one of my oldest friends is just being so odd. At his 18th a few weeks ago when I arrived, on my own because I live so near, he basically ignored my after opening the door ad started messing around with his new girlfriend whilst I was actually asking where to put my jacket! I said it again and sorta gave up trying to be noticed whilst they were touching each other and talking to other people who were already there.

I really didn't like her, I don't have much confidence in his 'style' of chatting with girls! And she annoyed me..never met her before. seemed likeable but... she totally ignored me. Somehow. I'm sure he'd told her stuff about me.

So he didn't even talk to me for the whole thing! Really odd... after a while I had settled in, talking to the others but it was the start that made me feel terrible. The way I was neglected in the hallway threw me off balance for half an hour, until I regained my confidence.


Even now, I get the impression that he gave up on the idea of me being of any use a long time ago. It happened first in year 7 but we got on a bit after that. It's the hardest thing, having SA, which is bad enough, but to feel like you have to make an effort just to keep your best friends interested seems impossibly unfair. I know effort is needed but... I'm getting the impression I'm supposed to be ignored. I don't feel right in their group anymore which is a shame! That was the last group of people I liked! Now I'm stuck with the strangest person in the school (who's awesome, most people 'respect' him in an odd way.) The other guy has always been with me, we've been in choirs and orchestras and trips and tours together, and he makes me feel wanted.



Does anyone else find this? When you suddenly realize that you were left behind long before you could ever imagine? I just noticed!! I don't like him! It's the scariest thought ever. I'm just finding that.... we have nothing in common..... he's acting incredibly shallow...

 

[AngelsTears85]

That sounds so horrible...I don't really get people like that, but I know how you feel...

I was pretty close to one of my cousins she was like a best friend and her and her sister lived just down the road from us...so me and my 2 sisters would go over there every weekend and they spent most of the week at our place...Then we moved and didn’t see much of them…but we still kept in touch. They came to my 21st and I thought all was good…Then I didn’t really hear much from her till I was invited to her 21st…I got there, I was there with my 2 sisters and their boyfriends and when we turned up there was already heaps of people there…She came up to us said hi took her present then went back to her “new” friends…We didn’t talk the whole night till we went to leave and she said bye….I only just found out recently that she thinks I’m a joke and that I’m making this phobia thing up…She thinks she has had a harder life than me and hates our mums new husband…She evidently wanted my mum and dad to get back together… :?

 

[Moonie]

Sorry to hear about this. I can definitely relate. I have had a couple childhood friends growing up. One moved away during middle school. The other still lived up the street but she went to a different HS. Sometime during 10th grade, we started to drift away. I had a feeling that she was embarrassed and annoyed with my shyness/SA/what have you. She found cooler, funner, more chatty friends. It didn't help that I was also very depressed. So, we grew apart after that. We sometimes chat online- but that is it. It happens to us all- SA or not. And it sucks.

But please appreciate the friends that you have. And be lucky that you have the two. I would have LOVED being friends with even the strangest person at school. It would have been better than hiding out in the bathroom during lunch time.

 

[miss_amy]

I'm going to give you my view, being older, lot older I see what you have written differently to how you feel it and maybe if you can look at things a different way then you might feel better.

I think people do grow apart and often it's nothing personal agaginst you but just natural progression and changes in people. People get new partners, girlfriends, boyfriends and their friends get dropped. I've noticed in my life as I've moved on old friends have drifted away.

Try to see that 18th night as not a personal attack on you but him probably acting a prat trying to impress this new girl. Maybe he didn't hear you. Who cares what a girl you don't know thinks about you?? Sounds like shes the rude one?? Think back, did you speak to her and she ingore you or did she just not speak to you in the first place....she may think you ignored her if you didn't speak either. Who is ignoring who....LOL. Do you understnd what I mean.
Leave them to it. If he's a friend worth keeping then he will be back soon enough when these first throws of love are either over or settled. If that happens then you could maybe talk about it and tell him how you felt. If not let him drift away and move on. Try to see it as him not you. Not easy I know. I think us SA sufferers automatically think it's something wrong with us why people act like that but really its not.

 

[recluse]

There's nothing worse than the feeling of rejection. 6 years ago i was rejected by a girl who i thought was a close friend. She was in uni doing fashion design and i helped her with her work for her final year. Anyway as her final year was coming to an end i noticed that she had become colder towards me, and i no longer felt that i was a close friend to her, and what hurt was that she used to get calls on her mobile and she seemed friendly with the people who called her. Her final fashion show was coming up and she phoned me and asked if i could model for her, and i said i couldn't (i didn't tell her i was social phobic), and she told me she'd get someone else. The day of the fashion show came and i drove to the city where she was at uni to see it, and the first thing she said to was ''The guy who i've got to model for me is gorgeous!, i was going to tell him that'' ....She gave me her camera to take pics of the show and i screwed up because i was so nervous with all the people there, and she spent the rest of the evening criticising me and telling me how much of a loser i was, she just critiscised me for everything. There was a few drinks in a room at the uni and i was reluctant to go inside and she told me ''Why are you so shy?...It's not normal for a guy to be shy!.'' Anyway afterwards i went along to a pub and she ingored me and instead spent the evening with her uni friends. I fucking hate the bitch!

Rejection hurts! I think i am better off if i never make friends o'r get attracted to a girl again, that's the best bet.

 

[nhen]

Miss_amy's definitely right here. But I think that's the problem most of us SPs have. If there's ever a situation where any degree of ambiguity exists, we always assume the worst; no feedback is invariably negative feedback in our eyes. To this day I don't know how many friendships fell apart because of me, or because of "them". What I mean is, I've abandoned a lot of friendships or potential friendships because I felt rejected, at some point, by them. Truth is, they may have felt rejected by me. Who knows? It's hard to look at things objectively; optimism doesn't seem to be a SPs strongsuit. That said, it's probably an indispensible component of dealing with SP.

 

[Leki]

I know that i will treat people badly by ignoring them and it makes me feel like such a bitch but whenever anyone tries to form any type of relationship with me i just really feel the need to run away.
I have become so used to staying in my comfort zone (no friends or bf means i don't have to have all the worry about what they think of me etc). I don't flat out ignore people if they talk to me but i will make excuses about why i can't do things and ignore text messages. I know if people did this to me i would feel soooo bad but i can't help doing it.
It is such an effort for me to actually communicate with someone, it is so much easier to just stay home yet i know all the avoidant behaviour i have is really going to make my life so much harder in the long run.
I guess that i don't let other people reject me by rejecting them first.

 

[miss_amy]

Its a real fight isn't it. I have this massive shield round me that keep people at a distance. I find that people if you associate them at any level they start trying to get closer then I freak. People at work invite me places with them, that I don't want to go to...then I'm left with the choice of either looking rude by keep saying no, Excuses run out fast! or having to tell them about my problems which I feel leaves me wide open to attack. I have this awful feeling of trusting no one, everyone I've ever trusted in the past starts off being really nice then metamorphasis in to some nasty person who does something really not nice to me.
I've had people who I don't know spit at me in the street and call me names out of the blue. I found out much later the reason was that my husband had done some work for her, she had taken a fancy to him and asked him to the pub and he brushed her off and told her he wasn't interested. Hubby didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset. I trust him 110%. Didn't find this out til she had an outburst in the street at me saying what makes you so special that you have x, y, z refering to things I own. I couldn't go outside for about 6 months after that.

I've done the school run but I couldn't face the office today.

I'm having a bad patch again at the moment because someone who I thought was nice has turned nasty....solicitors are involved, and she keeps turning up at my business and texting me 100 times a day and this woman knows about my SA so I feel so vunerable. She's basically been nice to me, working for me to steal client information so she can set up on her own.

People keep saying don't let idiots get to you, but my problem is I don't know where the switch is to switch off my worry. It doesn't feel like a choice it just happens.

 

[Argamemnon]

and she spent the rest of the evening criticising me and telling me how much of a loser i was, she just critiscised me for everything.

Did she really say you were a loser or something along those lines? I would have probably spitted in her face, lol.

''Why are you so shy?...It's not normal for a guy to be shy!.''

Hmm.. are men not human? Interesting mindset...

Anyway afterwards i went along to a pub and she ingored me and instead spent the evening with her uni friends. I fucking hate the bitch!

She's clearly a bitch; a totally worthless person.