Hi,
Thanks for your message! You are very brave to come on this site.
No, he hasn't gotten any help. As you can imagine, he has anxiety about meeting a therapist. He says that if he ever changes it won't be because a therapist "told him what to do". He is very resistant to anyone that he perceives as an authority figure and I think he considers therapists to be "authorities". I would say that he is generally resistant to change and does not trust easily.
I am willing to do whatever I can to support him but sometimes I have to wonder: what about my needs? I have social needs that are not being met. Often, supporting him means that I have to live my life as if I were socially phobic (i.e. avoiding people) when I am not. It makes me sad sometimes.
Do you or does anyone out there have a significant other that doesn't have SA?
Thanks again!
That's a very understandable point of view coming from a social phobic, but the thing about therapists is that you work
with them, and not for them. They hold no authority what so ever. They often ask what you think of something before they continue discussing a possible solution. Of course, therapists are people too, and it differs per person.
They're there to offer insight and suggestions for progress. I was very much the same at first. I always said; ''Therapists can't help me. My mind too rigid. Too made up''. And the truth is, that I knew very little about myself and my mind. I opened up a little, most likely the hardest thing I ever had to do. In the end, you have to do it yourself
with help of the therapist. Just talking isn't enough, and hiding from social situations isn't the answer either. It might make him feel safe, but he is (probably unknowingly) crippling himself.
With that said, I wouldn't force him to go in a social situations either. The thing about social phobia is that social gatherings feel very negative, and if the person isn't there for any other reason then wanting to be there (in terms of progress or otherwise) it'll remain a negative experience. But there is something you can do; encourage with positive reinforcement. Heart felt compliments regarding his personality. But remember, don't force. It has to become a positive experience (eventually).
But the above is all general information. The first step would be to let him see a therapist whom can elaborate clearly how all this works. Or, of course, try and let him join this forum as well. There's very little judgment here, and I've seen even the most phobics just relax and have some fun. It was great help for me personally, that much I can say.
It's important for him to at least do something. Even if it's something seemingly little. Even if it's just a 10 minute stroll over the street, if it's done in the name of progress it can help immensely in terms of changing the mind around. It starts with baby steps, and increases in difficulty at his own pace; ''Challenge > Success > Harder challenge > Success > and so on''. There's no set time limit other then possible personal deadlines.
Also try not to sympathize
too much. It's not uncommon for a social phobic to be held back by self pity, I was a good 5 years of me life (if not longer), then again I was very young then, but still. Support and some sympathy is good, but don't overdo it.
---
Also, don't forget about yourself. A big part in possible progress he makes is going to be motivation, and it'll be all the harder to be motivated for him if you're somehow unhappy. If you occasionally want to meet up with people, then you should be able to do so, with or without him. Maybe that sounds cold and insensitive, but by sitting at home missing out on things
you want to do won't help him either. Find a balance and stick with it.
