UnofficiallyMe
Banned
Little pieces of me have been strewn throughout my 33 years of life..
When looking at me, I seem younger than my years. Strange to feel such weight on my shoulders and still feel so young.
My life began in an ideal world of small town Texas.. It seemed beautiful and free and perfect. I had all that I could want and need. I believed that life was just meant for me to live..
Then, my parents wanted more. Really I could never judge them in this, a town of 5000 people in the 1980’s must have been restrictive. But from this slice of the world, they threw my into an upper-class suburb of Houston. Sigh, I have a memory that cannot forget. I remember that week, of the move. There was nothing like it. I remember the drive. I remember the change. The two story house, my sister who was older fleeing. My dad working and working and working. My mom sick.
School was hell, and each day was a dread that would tear at my innocence until time would crawl. The days would blend and my time was my own. I failed the 6th grade because I just stopped caring. I put no effort into school, and no one put any effort into me. I was alone.
The years churned and burned, and bullies and adults who said wah wah wah revolved around my head. Ah, to just fit in. To just be liked. To just be ignored. The things you will do. I started drinking, smoking and using drugs at around 14. Time slipped further still from my fingers. The years dragged and I lost myself.
There were sweet moments, but they were filled my sobs of salt. I would cry out to my Creator. I would seek. I would find nothing.
I became a young adult with no future. I tried college and failed, my anxiety was amping up. The meds and doctors became a memory, no more a help. I was self-medicating. I was dying.
Then one day, I felt a tug of God at my sadness. I was still under the bondage of my heart and my yesterdays. But..
I felt God. A week later, I met a girl online. Mind you this was before dating sites. I would struggle and kick and fight myself for a full two more years, and then I would flee, escaping through states to where she lived. This was 12 years ago. I fled who I was, and hid in a new life. I lost all that I was. But I had her, the most wonderful creature who would love and love and love. I still have trouble believing her love. I still cannot see who she sees any good in me.
Crisis hit my family and I realized that my faith has thin and empty and that my life was hollow. Thus begun the wakeup call that would almost destroy me. I reentered old ways and lost myself again, almost for good.
A clock says:
You have been clean for 1 year, 5 months and 13 days.
This is a total of 530 days clean
I have found life again, and the healing is still very much in progress. But there is such hope. I have 6 eyes on me at home and while it can be draining and envasive, they hold me up. Take hold, I just keep being found by my Creator. A Father of love shed his tears over my wounds and cured them with his blood.
I still am shy, weak, and suffering from all that I have been through. I could add thousands of words of hurts, and wounds and other traumatic events. That is not my point in this writing. There were some pretty hard things that happened.
But now I have a family, a job where I help people and hope. Everyday is a battle. Everyday is a victory too, in one way or another. Don’t discount surviving, sometimes that is all you can do.
When looking at me, I seem younger than my years. Strange to feel such weight on my shoulders and still feel so young.
My life began in an ideal world of small town Texas.. It seemed beautiful and free and perfect. I had all that I could want and need. I believed that life was just meant for me to live..
Then, my parents wanted more. Really I could never judge them in this, a town of 5000 people in the 1980’s must have been restrictive. But from this slice of the world, they threw my into an upper-class suburb of Houston. Sigh, I have a memory that cannot forget. I remember that week, of the move. There was nothing like it. I remember the drive. I remember the change. The two story house, my sister who was older fleeing. My dad working and working and working. My mom sick.
School was hell, and each day was a dread that would tear at my innocence until time would crawl. The days would blend and my time was my own. I failed the 6th grade because I just stopped caring. I put no effort into school, and no one put any effort into me. I was alone.
The years churned and burned, and bullies and adults who said wah wah wah revolved around my head. Ah, to just fit in. To just be liked. To just be ignored. The things you will do. I started drinking, smoking and using drugs at around 14. Time slipped further still from my fingers. The years dragged and I lost myself.
There were sweet moments, but they were filled my sobs of salt. I would cry out to my Creator. I would seek. I would find nothing.
I became a young adult with no future. I tried college and failed, my anxiety was amping up. The meds and doctors became a memory, no more a help. I was self-medicating. I was dying.
Then one day, I felt a tug of God at my sadness. I was still under the bondage of my heart and my yesterdays. But..
I felt God. A week later, I met a girl online. Mind you this was before dating sites. I would struggle and kick and fight myself for a full two more years, and then I would flee, escaping through states to where she lived. This was 12 years ago. I fled who I was, and hid in a new life. I lost all that I was. But I had her, the most wonderful creature who would love and love and love. I still have trouble believing her love. I still cannot see who she sees any good in me.
Crisis hit my family and I realized that my faith has thin and empty and that my life was hollow. Thus begun the wakeup call that would almost destroy me. I reentered old ways and lost myself again, almost for good.
A clock says:
You have been clean for 1 year, 5 months and 13 days.
This is a total of 530 days clean
I have found life again, and the healing is still very much in progress. But there is such hope. I have 6 eyes on me at home and while it can be draining and envasive, they hold me up. Take hold, I just keep being found by my Creator. A Father of love shed his tears over my wounds and cured them with his blood.
I still am shy, weak, and suffering from all that I have been through. I could add thousands of words of hurts, and wounds and other traumatic events. That is not my point in this writing. There were some pretty hard things that happened.
But now I have a family, a job where I help people and hope. Everyday is a battle. Everyday is a victory too, in one way or another. Don’t discount surviving, sometimes that is all you can do.
